


becoming

by trashyfroggy



Series: growth [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Fluff, Growing Up, M/M, Therapy, Yamaguchi deserves the world
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 12:09:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 47,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24969481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trashyfroggy/pseuds/trashyfroggy
Summary: He’s been through a lot, and made it work all along. And Tadashi hates it that now, so close to being able to move on, after years of peace, he’s crumbling slowly.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Series: growth [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1807306
Comments: 66
Kudos: 256





	1. Childhood

Tadashi never remembered being normal.

From a very young age, Yamaguchi Tadashi had realized that not everyone had moms and dads who threw things at each other, or yelled so much, or forgot that their kid was home sometimes. But he’d done okay with what he had. He tried his best to stay happy through it all. His parents would sit him down sometimes, after the really bad fights, and tell him that they were sorry, and they were going to do better. “We love you so much,” his mom would say, “You’re the most important thing to us.”

Tadashi was eleven when his parents got a divorce. 

They waited for the day after his birthday to tell him. They’d sat him down in a room, and basically said that they both loved him very much, and that was why they had stayed together for so long, but they couldn’t do it anymore. Yamaguchi realized that all it meant was that they loved him, but not enough anymore.  _ He _ wasn’t enough, anymore. 

When his dad moved out, the house got quiet. Not that silence was such a bad thing, the absence of his father’s yells were welcomed. He had a temper. But, his dad also always had a sense of humor, too, and the lack of laughter made the house eerily quiet. His mom noticed it too, Tadashi could tell, because she commented on it once, and then started disappearing at work for longer and longer. And Yamaguchi got lonely. So incredibly lonely. He daydreamed a lot. He’d lie on his bed, and scrunch up his blankets and pillows into human-ish lumpy shapes, and pretend they were his siblings. He’d hug and cuddle and pretend they all hated his parents, and would have conversations with them about how they weren’t all that bad, and that they still loved him. He explained to his ‘siblings’ that sometimes, families just didn’t work like that. He tried to convince them that their parents still cared. He tried to believe it.

These memories haunt him every few weeks, even now, as he’s turning seventeen in three days. The way that his parents had looked at him levelly, sat across from him at the kitchen table, treated him like an adult but spoke to him like the child he was. 

Tadashi sighs. His right leg is shaking uncontrollably, and he’s wringing his hands together. He’s been in this room before, he remembers, and he hates how artificial it seems. 

Lamps and couches, and a coffee table with notebooks on it. Made to look like a living room, somewhere comfortable. It’s an office. Outside the wooden door is a receptionist, and his mom, and a middle aged man, and they’re all talking, Tadashi’s sure, about what exactly is wrong with him. But inside, everything is fabricated and artificial, and it makes Tadashi hate it so much. He wishes it looked like an office. It’s trying too hard to be  _ nice _ . But how could it ever be nice? It’s a place for messed up people to talk about how messed up they are. Tadashi hates it. He wishes Tsukki were here, so they could hate it together. 

“Yamaguchi Tadashi?” The middle aged man says, walking into the room. “I’m Dr. Yamamoto, but you know, you can call me Ren. I’m sure you remember me, we used to meet when you were twelve.”

“Yeah. Hi” Tadashi looks away from him as he sits down on the chair across from him.

“I just have to let you know the confidentiality spiel, real quick. I need you to know that this is a judgement free zone. This room is a safe haven. Nothing you tell me will be repeated, unless, one, you have a serious plan to hurt yourself, and you are in danger, or two, you have a serious plan to hurt others. Everything else is safe.”

Tadashi’s heard this before. It makes him feel crazy. Why would he hurt someone? Why would anyone think that he’d hurt someone? He’s not crazy. “Yeah, I know.”

The man, Dr. Yamamoto, or  _ Ren _ , smiles at him like he gets it. So very sympathetic. “So why are we meeting today Tadashi?”

He takes a breath. “My mom thinks my anxiety is back, and I need to fix it.”

“What’s happening that makes you think it’s affecting you strongly again?” The man has notes out, and he’s looking through them, probably for the stuff from when Tadashi was a kid.

Tadashi huffs a little. That  _ wasn’t _ what he’d said. “Well, it’s affecting school. And volleyball.”

“What’s been going on?”

“Panic attacks and stuff. You know.”

“When have they been happening?” He remembered this part of therapy. Talking so much. Every time one question was answered, there’d be another one right after it.

“Um, I had one at school in study hall, one during practice, at home a few times, and then at my boyfriend’s house.”

“Boyfriend?”

Tadashi’s anxiety builds. He forgets not everyone’s cool with that yet. 

“That’s fine, Tadashi, I support it. I’m just wondering about how that’s been going is all. Your relationships with friends, family, and significant others are valuable.”

“It’s fine. It’s good. With him.”

“When you were last coming by, you had a good friend, Tsukki?” Tadashi nods in response. “Are you two still friends? How has your social life been?”

“Tsukki is my boyfriend now, actually.”

“Oh! Good for you Tadashi!” Ren smiles to himself like Tadashi can’t see him. 

“Why? Could you tell? When I was little, did you know I liked him?”

“Not necessarily. A little bit.” Ren gives Tadashi a knowing look. “What about other friendships?”

“Good, I guess. None of this feels like it has anything to do with my anxiety.”

“Well, what do you think is happening, then? Why are they coming back?”

Tadashi hates the ‘What do you think?’ questions the most. He doesn’t know. If he knew, maybe he wouldn’t have to be here. “I don’t know... Stress?”

“Let’s go back to when they happened. What were you stressed about at home?”

Tadashi remembers. He doesn’t want to say. It’ll take the conversation down this long winded path of his childhood, his parents, his bullies. Everything he’s already told this guy about five years ago. But he can’t just lie. “My dad was coming to pick me up for the weekend, and I didn’t have my good clothes, and I had to miss morning practice the next day, because I’d be at his house out of town, and I didn’t want to go because I hate his house.”

“Why do you hate his house?”

“I just do. It’s not mine. He’s got a whole family and I don’t fit in. His wife is nice and the babies are cute or whatever. But I don’t belong.”

“We used to talk about not feeling good enough for your father. Is that why you don’t feel like you belong? Are you good enough to belong?”

“That...That was different. I didn’t feel good enough for him to stay.”

“But it’s the same, right? Now you don’t feel good enough to follow him where he went?”

“No! It’s just frustrating, okay. Like, I have my life here, with Mom, and my friends, and school and stuff. And every two weeks he just decides to take me away from it, and change my plans, and he never calls me to ask about what I might have going on, he just comes, and takes me, and makes me try and fit in with his life. And I used to get so excited to see him and stuff, when I was a kid, but now, it’s annoying.”

“So you’re angry at him for being inconsiderate?”

“Yeah, I guess. He just doesn’t even try very hard. Like, he picks me up, we drive two  hours to his house, and for what? For him to spend the weekend doing whatever he always does, and leaving me at the house with the kids and his wife awkwardly.”

“You call her his wife, not your stepmom?” Ren is writing away in his notebook, but still looks up at Tadashi when he asks.

“Yeah, I guess. She’s really young, too young to be my mom of any sort. She would have been like 13 when she had me if I was her kid.”

“So that makes the relationship quite strange for you two, huh?”

“Yeah. I mean, she’s nice. She tries. I do, too. And I like the kids, she’s a good mom to them. My mom hates her, though, and I get why, too. It’s really cliché, the divorced parents with a dad who has a younger second wife, and the mom who’s bitter about it.”

“Your situation isn’t just an everyday thing, though Tadashi. Your frustrations about your parents are very fair. Most kids don’t have to go through that. So, I want to ask you again, that day that you were going to be picked up by your father, why did you have a panic attack?”

“...I didn’t want to go, I guess. I don’t think I know any of them very well. I got caught up in this thought that he didn’t really want me there, and that I didn’t belong, and how uncomfortable the room he has set up for me is. He calls it my room, but I know he uses it for any guests. And I just couldn’t breathe very well, and my heartbeat was in my ears, and I got really cold, and I was just sitting on my bed, thinking I might pass out, when my mom found me, and I guess, recognized the situation.” Tadashi wrung his hands together some more.

“So, what’s a solution for that core problem. Your relationship with your father and his side of your family?”

“...I don’t know.”

“Just try. Theres no right or wrong.”

There’s a long beat of silence. “Look, I feel like we already hashed this stuff out before, right? I’m tired of talking about it so much. Can’t you just give me the same meds from before and I can stop being people’s problem.”

“Is that how you see yourself? You think you’re a burden?” Ren writes something down in his notes.

“I don’t want people to worry about me.”

“That’s noble. But we’re all one another’s problems.”

“I don’t want to be. I just want to be normal.”

“Okay. We’ll slow down the parents talk for now. Talk to me about your life right now. How’ve you been?”

“I dunno. Good, I guess. It’s basically all just about school, and then volleyball, and my friends and boyfriend.”

“What’s been good about it?”

“...I get good grades. This year, I’ve been playing a lot more in games than last year. And you know, I hang out with my friends, and boyfriend a lot.”

“You used to have some trouble making friends, besides Tsukki. That’s changed?”

“Yeah. I’ve really been doing better. Like, I can just tell, I’m a stronger person than when we met. So I don’t know why it’s coming back so hard.”

“Sometimes, there’s no logical explanation on the surface level. You’ve become more confident, I can tell, Tadashi, but some things are deeper than that. Tell me more about the boyfriend. He treats you well?”

“Yes.” Tadashi says right away. “People assume, sometimes, that he doesn’t, because of how he is, but he’s kind to me.”

“How he is?”

“Grumpy. Standoffish. He can be easily annoyed.”

“Is he ever like that to you?” Ren makes eye contact that Tadashi has to awkwardly break.

“No, not really. He has a good heart. He’s this big dork if you get to know him, like, he loves dinosaurs and weird documentaries about the possibility of aliens and stupid things like that. And he takes care of me.”

“Do you like that? Feeling cared for? You used to say that he was safe, when you were a kid. Is that still how you’d describe him?” 

Tadashi glances at the clock. Less than ten minutes left of this session, probably because Ren had started it talking to Tadashi’s mom outside.

“He’s still safe, I guess. That was a weird way of putting it. But, I know he won’t let anything bad happen to me.”

“You trust him a lot.”

“Yeah. I love him.”

“That’s good, Tadashi. I’m glad you have strong support. Does he know that you’re coming back here?”

“Yeah. He told me to take things seriously and try, unless you were an asshole.”

Ren laughs. “Am I an asshole?”

“Not yet.”

He laughs again. “I’m glad he’s encouraging you.”

“Yeah, well. He wants me to feel better. That’s one of the reasons I agreed to come. He freaked out when I got an attack at his house. He doesn’t like tears, like at all,and he almost called the police because I couldn’t breathe. I don’t want him to worry about me like that.”

“It’s good of you, Tadashi, to give this a chance.” Ren puts his nots down. “We’re just about out of time for today, but I’ll see you next week, okay?”

He stands up, and Tadashi follows suit. He doesn’t feel fixed yet.

…

“So how was it? You haven’t really said anything about him yet, Dashi.” Tsukki’s lying on Tadashi’s bed with him. It’s a tight fit, because it’s a twin size, but Tadashi doesn’t mind. He likes the closeness of cuddling, of breathing in Tsukki’s cologne, hearing his heartbeat. He’d probably be in the same position even if they were on Tsukki’s queen sized bed.

“It was okay. He’s nice enough. I dunno, though. He makes me talk so much I never know what I’m saying.”

“You think he can help, though?” Tsukishima pushes Tadashi’s hair back, out of his face. “You should tie this up, it’s getting so long.”

“I dunno if he can help. I think they mostly went away last time cuz of the meds. I feel like I’m just waiting to get them prescribed again. And, I know about my hair, I just keep losing the hairbands.”

“Just do your best. If you’re honest and whatever, trying, then if nothing happens it’s all his fault.”

“I know.” There’s a beat of silence. “My dad texted me. His wife is pregnant again.”

“Is it a good thing?” Tsukki asks, carding his hands through Tadashi’s hair.

“Yes... No…Maybe. I don’t know if I care. Mom probably will get sort of pissy about it. But I don’t know if it should affect the relationship with my siblings. The twins are like two now, and when I saw them last week, they were so excited to play and stuff. I like having siblings I think, it’s just complicated.”

“Yeah, I get why. It’d be easier to appreciate if things were different.”

“Yeah. The therapist guy wanted to talk about my parents and stuff, but I’m kind of over it. Like, yeah they’re all messed up. But I just want to enjoy my last year here, with you, before we get to grow up and leave it all behind.”

“Me, too, Dashi.” Tsukki leans down and gives him a peck on the forehead before pushing him off his chest lightly. “Come on, we still have to do the English homework,” He says, pulling Tadashi up off the bed and over to his desk.

Tadashi groans. “Just do it for me.  _ Please _ .”

“Tadashi wants a favor? He should have to do the whole week's homework now so he learns even more,” Tsukki teases.

“Tadashi will have to rip out all the hair you like to play with if he has to look at the English alphabet for any longer.”

“Tadashi might be out a boyfriend if he did that.”

“I knew you had a weird thing for hair. I knew it.”

“I don’t have a  _ weird thing for hair. _ “ He definitely did. “I have an avoidance for people who pull their own hair out for fun.” Probably that, too, though. Tadashi lets it slide.

“Not for fun, Tsukki. For frustration. For weird, stupid rules about spelling. Why aren’t things the way they sound?!”

“I don’t know. We should set up a meeting. With all the Prime Ministers and Presidents of English speaking countries. Get them to just change everything to how it sounds.”

“If you did that, I’d marry you.” Tadashi picks up his pencil.

“I didn’t ask you to, but good to know. The only way to receive Yamaguchi Tadashi’s hand in marriage is to go on a quest and slay dragons until they change an entire language.”

“Only if you succeed will you be granted his hand. See, now you’ve raised my expectations too high, if I get a cliche beach proposal I might have to say no.”

“If I have to change a language, I might as well start planning now then. That would take like ten years, don’t you think?”

“God, Tsukishima Kei, don’t say those things to me.”

“What?”

“If you tell me you’re gonna marry me, I’m gonna have to start daydreaming about you again. And we’re past that point in our relationship. And too young to talk about marriage.” Tadashi covers his face with his hands.

“Yamaguchi. If in ten or fifteen years, I’m not still with you, something has gone terribly wrong in my life, and I’m depressed.”

“Stop it, I’m warning you.” Tadashi slaps Tsukki’s arm. 

“If I do the homework, and let you copy it, what do I get in return?”

“The bragging rights for dating Yamaguchi Tadashi, voted best calves and hair by Nishinoya Yuu and Tanaka Ryunosuke before they graduated.”

“Ooooh, you drive a hard bargain. I still don’t know though.”

“I’ll throw in a forfeited movie pick and a kiss.”

“Gross, no deal. Kissing is nasty.”

“You’re nasty. Here I am, being kind enough to give a plain commoner a kiss and he disrespects me. Not cool.” Tadashi smacks Tsukki’s arm again.

“Bruh,  _ ow _ . If you break my arm and I can’t play this week, Kageyama might fight you.”

“Who’s  _ Bruh _ ?Don’t call me that, it’s weird. Makes me feel like we’re dumb jocks who slap eachothers butts after they win a game and wrestle for fun. And Kageyama could sure  _ try _ . Little short boy.”

“You mean I have to stop slapping your butt? I thought you liked it last night.” 

Tadashi smacks his arm yet again. “ _ Tsukishima Kei, _ ” he hisses, face redder than a tomato. 

“And I’m not the dumb one here, I can do the English homework just fine. Also, Dashi, you’re shorter than Kageyama. By like, two centimeters.”

“Good thing I have a giant boyfriend who beats people up for me.”

“I’d normally probably be able to take Kageyama, but with the broken arm? I dunno.”

“Well if you do my homework, you won’t have to worry about it.”

“This is the peer pressure all my teachers warned me about. You’re threatening my safety. Next, you’re gonna offer me drugs in the bathroom, and I’ll have to stand up to you and say NO to drugs.”

“I really sometimes have no clue what you’re talking about, but I feel like it’s a legal requirement for you to do nice things for me, and you’re not being very nice.”

“I’ll do it if you go get me a snack AND if you promise to only make me go to the school festival for one night out of the three.” Tsukishima finally concedes.

“Fine.” Tadashi stands up from the desk chair. “I wasn’t going to make you go at all, but sure, I’ll take one night.”

Tsukishima groans.


	2. Team

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He’s not alone anymore.

“Tadashi, you’ve told me about the first panic attack you had recently, and we’ll get back to the root cause later. Could you tell me about the second?”

It's been a week already, and Tadashi is back on the couch, facing Ren, counting down the time until their fifty five minutes together are up. It’s not that he doesn’t like the guy. He’s been nice and all, it’s just uncomfortable still, to keep talking about all of the things he doesn’t like about himself. All of the problems he’s caused.

“Um, that one was at practice. We were doing some drills, and I kept missing the stupidly easy serves I was trying to do. It’s like, my thing, the only thing my team depends on me for. I’ve worked so hard for two full years too try and master them. And, you know, I’m captain, I should be able to do my stupid thing.”

“Some days it just doesn’t work, though, Tadashi. You’re still a dependable leader for your team, I’m sure.”

“Yeah, not that day. I ran into the bathrooms before anyone could see me. I was just. So frustrated with myself. And then it happened.”

“When you say, it happened, what symptoms exactly were you feeling?” Ren’s trying to make eye contact, Tadashi can tell, but he avoids it.

“I felt like I couldn’t breathe. And my legs were shaking, so I had to sit down on the floor of the bathroom, and I got sweaty and cold, and my heart beat was in my ears. I felt like everyone was watching me and thinking about how shit of a captain I am. How it shouldn’t have been me.”

“How did you come out of that one, without anybody to recognize the symptoms?”

“Um. My friend, Hinata, came after me. He didn’t get what was happening, but he helped me stand up and splash water on my face and take deep breaths and stuff. And, like, gave me a hug. So I was good enough for the rest of practice. But, I was really anxious and scared for the rest of the day, so it didn’t fully go away. My hands shake and I can’t focus, sometimes.”

“Tadashi, what we have to conquer together here, is the low self esteem. You’re hurting, and you’re not at your full potential, because you’re not okay with who you are. Or, you don’t understand how good you are. I think, and I know it’ll be painful, but we have to reopen the wounds from your childhood.”

“I thought you were supposed to have fixed that the first time.” Tadashi knows he’s being kind of mean and unfair to Ren, but he really doesn’t want to think about any of his past traumas. He thought he was over them.

“We might have put a bandaid on the wound, and tried our best to treat it. But a bandaid only covers a scar. And if we let this keep hurting you, as you move on into adulthood, it may just remain infected and painful. I think the panic is coming back as a result of your transitioning into independence in this next year. You haven’t felt this unsure and scared in a long time, and it’s triggering old wounds to reopen. We want to fix everything, before you have to move on.”

Tadashi tries to digest what he’s saying. He’d promised his mom and Tsukki that he’d try his best in here. It’s an unfair promise, because they’re not the ones who’re going to have to rip open everything they’ve tried to hide for the past five years. Everything he’d thought he’d gotten over, they’re not the ones who have to lay it out in the open, for a man with a beard that doesn’t suit his face to scribble in a notebook. But he’d promised.

“Okay. We can talk about it.”

“Can you tell me about what home was like before the divorce?”

“Okay…um. Well, it was bad, I guess. My parents were never supposed to be together, I think. They were both crazy. When I was six, my dad broke the door to my room by throwing this heavy trophy thing. I was inside, and trying to sleep, but I could hear them screaming, I remember, and then there was this loud sound, and my door had a hole it it.” Tadashi feels himself start to tear up. Fuck. “I um… I remember that my Mom went in there and grabbed me after that, and told me we were going to Grandma and Grandpa’s. And then everything was alright with them two days later, and they took me out for ice cream.”

Ren nods at him sympathetically, and Tadashi keeps going. “They fixed my door after that. But then it was like, a week later, and they were screaming at eachother again, and I couldn’t sleep, and I had a stupid math test the next day. At least they usually didn’t fight right in front of me most of the time. One time, we were in my dad’s car though, and he was really angry, and he was driving really scarily. Like, way too fast, and reckless. So my mom made him stop the car and she got out. And didn’t take me with her. So my dad took me home, and then she came back that night. And they just kept fighting.”

The words aren’t hard to say anymore, they’re flowing out and he can’t stop, he feels like he’s in front of a judge, or God himself, making the case against his childhood. He wants to be heard. “My mom was insane too, though. She used to burn my dad’s things in the backyard when he was gone for too long. And I know now that she cheated on him, even though I didn’t get it back then. I had to meet the guy she cheated on my dad with once, but I didn’t know who he was.”

“I’m sorry, Tadashi. No child should have to go through that.”

“I mean, there were some good moments. I know they tried their best to make me happy. We went on trips and vacation, especially when I was really little, and they would be fine. And my dad liked to take me to theme parks to ride roller coasters, and when I was too short he made me wear insoles in my shoes, haha. My mom used to make my halloween costumes, and they’d take me trick or treating with my cousins a few towns over. It wasn’t all just constantly bad.”

“It's good you have those positive memories of your parents to look back on. It can be easy to reduce people to their worst actions.”

“I think the kids in my neighborhood knew that she cheated too.” Tadashi hardly processes what Ren’s said, he’s so deep in thought. “Or their moms did, and they’d talk about it. They used to say that my dad wasn’t my dad because I didn’t look like a foreigner like he did. And that I was so ugly, my mom probably couldn’t get my real dad to take care of me so she made a foreigner do it. My dad was born in Japan, too, he’s not even an immigrant or anything, but they didn’t care.”

“Was anyone ever violent towards you, physically, Tadashi?”

Fuck. Tadashi didn’t want to talk about it. His chest was starting to seize in the way it does when you cry. His eyes were hot. “Not my parents.”

“I didn’t mean your parents.”

The tears start to gather and he can feel his eyes glass over.

“It’s alright to let it out, Tadashi. You’re okay in here.”

The tears fall slowly, but he’s not sobbing. “...They used to hit me, sometimes. You know, like bullies do.” It’s almost a whisper, but at least he’s getting it out. “I was small as a kid. So, you know, I’d come home with bruises every so often. It was easy to bully kids like me, you know. My parents weren’t the most aware people about these things. They thought I was fine. And, I was a weird kid. I had imaginary friends, and talked to myself, and I didn’t look like other people. I wasn’t poor, but my parents never paid that much attention to what I had on or whatever, so I’d go to school dressed all wonky with velcro shoes. One year, I found a backpack I liked, so my mom bought it for me, and it ended up being a  _ girl’s _ bag. For some reason, the other kids thought that was hilarious. So, out of everyone else, with the PTA moms who’d raise hell for their kids, with the fancy shoes or the coolest things, I guess it’s easy to pick on me.”

“It almost sounds like you think you deserved it, Tadashi. There’s no rationalizing being treated like that.”

“I don’t think I deserved it. I just think it could have been prevented. I wish I’d had an older sibling who could have stopped me from being so weird as a kid. Or, I wish I’d just been bigger, or like, able to stand up for myself. I was just a kid, though. Like, I didn’t understand why they hated me so much. I just wanted friends, more than anything, I wanted friends.” Tadashi wipes at the tears on his cheeks. 

“Do you blame your parents for not paying attention? It’s a fair thing to do, Tadashi.”

“No. I don’t think so. They had a lot of their own stuff going on.”

“But, Tadashi, you would go to school in fear. You’d deal with the fear of being hurt physically and emotionally throughout the school day. And then, you’d have to go home, to another dangerous place for a child. Maybe you didn’t have to fear violence at home, but you had to fear aggression and destruction. You were never safe. Do you see how this can tie into what we’re talking about now?”

“.. Yeah.” Tadashi’s voice is small. He feels defeated. He feels tired. “I thought this stuff had gone away. When do I get to be over this? I’m older now. My life is better.”

“It’s not healed, Tadashi. It’s traumatic, it will be difficult to overcome. But, you’ve done this before. How do you think you overcame it the first time, as it happened?” Ren’s voice always has this slight twinge of pity and sympathy to it.

“I didn’t really. Tsukki found me one day, and helped me, and then protected me as much as he could, until we got to middle school and it basically just stopped. When I was eleven my parents divorced, and there was some fighting right after that, about custody and stuff, but then it mostly got quiet at home, too. Safer. But… lonely, I guess.”

“Tell me about being lonely.”

“Um. I had to be home alone a lot of the time. My mom was working more, and you know, Dad was gone. I got really into, like, these series of books, and I’d spend my time like, pretending I was a character. And then, I just started trying to be out as much as possible. So, I’d see Tsukki like every day. I liked being with him, he took care of me. I’d follow him around like a puppy, and he’d basically treat me like one too, haha, he’d help me learn whatever I needed to for school, and then give me pats on the head or snacks. Or we’d play outside, and he’d help me practice for volleyball. It’s funny how much we’ve changed. I think I might have been in love with him since I was twelve, I just couldn’t tell what it was.”

“Do you ever feel that maybe, you clung to him as your escape and your safety as a kid?” Ren asks, writing something down in his notes again.

“Yeah. I know that you probably think that it makes our relationship unbalanced or forced or whatever, but I know it was kind of unhealthy for me to be so reliant on him as a kid. I get that. But I’m not codependent anymore. I have good friends, strong relationships with other people. I’m just in love with him, too.”

“That’s good that you can see that, Tadashi. Tell me about your team in general.”

“Hard workers. I’m proud of every single one of them, and I love them all, too. Some of them have such skill, it’s scary. They’ve got big futures. But, at the end of the day, we’re like family. We love one another, and take care of eachother. We challenge one another to be better, work harder, try our best. They’re the greatest friends I have.”

“Seems like you’ve described a group of good, genuine people. And they all trust you to lead them. If one of your team members was failing repeatedly for a day, would you treat them badly? Would you judge their ability and effort based on a single day of accidents? Would you reduce them to their worst instead of seeing them at their best?”

“No, of course not.”

“So, I don’t think they’d have any reason to do it to you. Why do you do it to yourself?”

“...I’m not always confident I was the right pick for captain.” Tadashi sighs. “My teammates are talented, like crazy talented, like going-to-be-famous-for-it-one-day talented. One of my best friends is this crazy intense middle blocker, he’s tiny, but can jump crazy heights. Our setter is incredible too, already pretty famous and expected to join a national team or something. Even my boyfriend is a huge asset, he’s really tall, and really good at his position.They’ve all been regular players since first year. I’m not like that.”

“Does it matter?”

“Well, yeah. How are they supposed to depend on someone they’re better than?”

“But, you’re the hard worker. The dependable one, aren’t you? You say they all have a natural talent and ability. Instinct. But you told me that you worked for two years to get where you are. That’s the true skill. That’s why you’re captain, not your serves.”

Tadashi took a second to think about it. “I guess.”

“I know it's hard to accept these positive thoughts about yourself sometimes. Work on it, okay? LImit the negative thoughts and try to give yourself more compliments.”

Tadashi glanced at the clock. Five more minutes. “Can I ask you something?” Ren nods. “What’s this all supposed to do for me? Am I gonna end up on meds again?”

“The side effects of the medication are very strong, especially now that you’re a young man, the dosage would be very high. You stopped taking it because it was making you sluggish and numb, right? We’re trying to see if we can work through the root of the problems instead of just covering them.”

“Oh. That makes sense I guess.”

“You’re very strong for taking on the challenge though, Tadashi. You’re incredibly bright. I have all faith in you that you can do this.”

Tadashi didn’t know what to say to that.

…

“So, you’re seventeen! How does it feel?!”

Tadashi’s been seventeen for a week and a half now, but, Hinata’s a little buzzed and overexcited, so he just gives him a smile, and says, “It’s the same, mostly. Can’t believe that I’m so old sometimes.”

Tanaka and Noya both had happened to be back in town for a weekend, and they’d pushed for the rest of the old team to throw a party with them, claiming it was for Tadashi’s birthday. They’d ended up in someone’s house whose parents were gone, with some beers and music, but not really being as wild as they’d maybe planned. A few of the guys with girlfriends were dancing and stuff, and it made Tadashi a little uncomfortable to see them. A little wishful, maybe too. 

But he wasn’t like that. He didn’t know how to just confidently move like that, especially on someone else, in public. It made him sort of embarrassed every time he’d be in situations like these, he wasn’t that kind of person. 

He’s sitting in a corner on the floor, Tsukki’s arm around him as they share a beer and catch up with the old team. He knows he’s a lightweight, even if Tsukishima isn’t, they usually split whatever Tanaka will hand them. 

Noya’s in the middle of a long rant about how weed should be legal. “The government just doesn’t want us to have it! They want us to stay addicted to nicotine and alcohol, and not understand the better alternatives!”

Tanaka agrees with him, “Fuck yeah, man! Bud is actually good for you!”

Kageyama, usually not one to take part in these types of conversations, actually nods. “I mean, I haven’t tried it, but I have a cousin who had anxiety, like the really bad kind where you can barely function, and when she started smoking, it went away mostly.”

“Really?” Tadashi hears himself pipe up. The members all turn and look at him. “I mean, it’s not even legal medically over here, how does she get it?”

Noya and Tanaka laugh. “Sweet, naive, Yamaguchi. Never change, dude,” Tanaka says. “Not everyone is an angel, you know, Yamaguchi. You can get bud just about anywhere. But you’ll probably never do anything illegal.”

Tsukishima gives him a bored look. “He’s underage drinking  _ right now _ .”

Kageyama rolls his eyes and turns to Tadashi. “She’s an exchange student in Canada. It’s legal over there.”

“Oh. That’s interesting.”

“Hey, don’t start smoking though! Anybody who’s on the team. It makes your lungs weak and your stamina low!” Kageyama barks, turning to the younger team members around them.

“Man, I miss when life revolved around volleyball,” Nishinoya says, sighing. “Being a legal adult isn’t as cool as they make it seem.”

“Yeah, girls don’t like you any more out of high school than they do in high school, who woulda guessed.”

“Shut up, Tanaka, I know you still text Kiyoko just to get left on read!” Noya’s burn is met with a big laugh as Tanaka reddens.

It’s only about two hours later, when most people have left, and it’s just the six of them left, Tanaka, Noya, Kageyama, Hinata, Tsukishima, and Yamaguchi, in the living room that the mood is a lot calmer and more open.

“How many times did we do this and think we were so cool in high school? You know, drink and do nothing but sit around and talk?” Noya asks.

“Not enough times.” Tanaka responds.

“I’m scared I won’t make it after this year. Onto a better team, and if I don’t, then I’ll be screwed. I have nothing else going for me.” Hinata suddenly says. “My grades are bad, I don’t have any necessary skills, I don’t think I could even work bagging groceries. How do you make it so nothing gets squished? I’d be screwed.”

“I feel it, Hinata. I’m fucking terrified, too. But, you’ll make it.” Kageyama grunts. “You’re going to be one of the greats.”

“You aren’t just volleyball, though, both of you. You have so many skills, and you’re strong, perseverant people. You’d make it through anything life throws your way just fine.” Tadashi assures him. “But I believe you’ll make it big, both of you.”

Even Tsukki says, “Stop being stupid, you’ll be fine.”

There’s a few beats of comfortable silence. Then Tanaka, “I think I’m never gonna fall in love. Or, I already did, and I fucked it up being stupid in high school.”

“Don’t be dumb, Tanaka. You’ll find her someday.” This time Nishinoya is the reassuring one.

“I think I already might have. But, I just, wasn’t good enough when we met, and she might not see me as anything but a kid from now on.”

“Don’t be putting yourself down. If there’s someone out there for you, do your best to show her the best version of yourself.” Hinata tells him.

“Just be kind to her. That’s all anybody would want. And, Tanaka, you’re not exactly bad-looking. Like, for real. If you’re sweet and maybe stop trying to be so macho all the time in front of girls, I’m sure your face and body wouldn’t be a problem,” Tadashi says. “You’re a great person, there’s no need to try and cover yourself up.”

“Aww, man, no homo, that was the sweetest shit. If I were into dudes, I’d fight Tsukishima for you in a heartbeat, bro.” Tanaka sends Tsukishima a look.

“Nice of you to come home to flirt with my boyfriend, Tanaka.” Tsukishima pulls Yamaguchi in closer by his waist. “Really appreciate it. Fortunately for you, I only fight people taller than 180 centimeters, so Tadashi’ll have to stay here.”

“He flirted first, man!” Tanaka gestures at Yamaguchi. 

Tsukki shrugs. “I didn’t hear anything.”

Tadashi laughs, and then there’s another few beats of silence.

“Is it my turn for the sad confession that everyone gives me affirmations for?” Nishinoya says. “It’s been months since graduation, and I still have no real plans for anything I actually wanna do for the rest of my life. Like, how does one make that decision?”

“...I don't think people do. They just take the first opportunity that comes their way and see where life takes them.” Tadashi assures him.

“Planning out the rest of your life would be stupid. And boring.” Kageyama chimes in. Hinata nods.

“Just do what you need to do for now, and find things you enjoy and pursue them. It doesn’t have to be like the typical life for it to be a good one.” Tsukishima offers.

“I think that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me, Tsukishima.” Noya takes a swig from his beer bottle.

“He’s buzzed, that’s why.” Tadashi says, finally noticing that there’s like seven bottles lying next to him and Tsukki. Tadashi might be kind of drunk too.

Tsukki’s quiet when he says, “I’m not buzzed.” Then, “I’m worried about university. Getting into where I want to go. Moving on from here. I’m scared that you guys are as good as it gets.”

The tone made that last part sound a little like an insult, but Tadashi gets what he means. He loves his friends a lot, and he’s always struggled so hard to make friends in general. He doesn’t want to be lonely again, either. And him and Tsukishima haven’t had much of a talk yet, about what happens after graduation for the two of them, just loose promises of being together for a long time.

“Me, too.” Tadashi says quietly.

“Me, too,” Hinata agrees. “We’re all gonna disappear, huh?”

“No, guys, you’re not.” Tanaka says assuredly. “You make the effort and do stupid things like this, and you don’t lose important people.”

“Aw, man, I love you guys!” Nishinoya’s exclaiming. “You’re so cute, with all your worrying about friendships. They’ll survive because you care so much!”

The boys exchange nods, and then there’s some more silence. “My turn?” Tadashi says, gathering courage. “...I’ve been going to, um, therapy. Cuz, I’m getting these panic attacks I used to get as a kid, and I haven’t been able to control them. So, yeah. I have to sit in a room with this guy and talk about all the shit that happened when I was a kid.”

“That’s cool, Yamaguchi. I know it’s probably weird and stuff, but therapy is getting to be a pretty normal thing nowadays. People are more aware about that kind of stuff.” Nishinoya says.

“Yeah. It’ll, um, help you to put your best foot forward.” Kageyama says gruffly.

Hinata nudges him. “Why do you talk like a robot?” He turns to Tadashi. “I hope it helps, Tadashi. I hope you get better. You’re the bestest person, so you deserve to feel good.”

“Well, why do you talk like a kindergartener?” Kageyama says back to Hinata.

Tadashi just nods at all of them, then lies his head in the crook of Tsukishima’s neck. He doesn’t remember getting this close to him, but it’s nice. He might actually be a little more drunk than he thinks, because before he fully registers it, he’s placing a kiss on the side of Tsukki’s neck, where his shirt’s slipped down a little.

“Tadashi. Stop that.” Tsukki says quietly, as the boys have changed the subject to gossip about the older alumni of the team. 

“What time is it?” Tadashi just asks in response. 

“I dunno.”

“Are we drunk?” Tadashi asks him. He thinks he’s drunk. At least a little.

“You are. I’m not.”

“That’s not fair. You should get drunk too.”

“I have to drive you home. I should definitely not get drunk too.”

“I don’t wanna go home. I wanna go with you.” Tadashi mumbles a little. He’d probably be a little too embarrassed to say things like that if he wasn’t tipsy.

“You want to come home with me?”

“Yeah. And sleep in your bed. With you. And sleep with you.”

“Tadashi.” His tone is scolding but Yamaguchi can tell he finds him cute right now. “My parents are home, you’d have to stay in Akiteru’s room. Mom’s rule and all.”

“I hate that rule.” Tadashi pouts.

“Me too.”

“We could break it?”

“No.”

“Tsukiii. Why not?” Tadashi knows he’s being bratty. He also knows why they shouldn’t break the rule. He can hardly care.

“Because if we get caught, you won’t even be allowed to stay over at all. You should go home tonight, okay? You’re too drunk anyways.”

“I’m not even drunk. Only a little bit.”

“You need to go home anyways, your mom is expecting you to.”

“Shit. Is my mom gonna get mad that I’m drunk?” Tadashi’s somehow climbed into Tsukki’s lap in the past few minutes, and not even realized. His back is against Tsukishima’s chest, and he’s really comfortable there.

“I don’t think your mom will be able to tell if you just go straight to sleep.”

“Sleep sounds nice.” Tadashi closes his eyes and leans his head back.

“Stop being gross, and showing off!” Tadashi hears Tanaka’s voice call, so he opens his eyes and narrows them at him. “It’s rude to people who are trying to not have love shoved down their throats right now!”

“Tanaka, stop being jealous. Let them live.” Noya says. “You guys have gotten disgustingly sweet.”

“We’re just drunk,” Tadashi says. “We’re not normally this nice to eachother.”

“I’m not drunk.” Tsukishima scoffs. “You’re just tiny. Can’t drink much.”

“He’s not tiny!” Hinata exclaims. “Don’t say that! If he’s tiny, that would make me...just don’t say that!”

“I’m not tiny, Tsukki is just huuuge.” There’s a pause before Tadashi starts laughing at the double meaning. “Hugee,” he repeats. He can’t stop laughing. “Huge,” he whispers one last time.

Tsukishima starts pushing Tadashi off of him. “Yeah, okay, it’s time for us to go,” he says to the disgusted expressions on his friends' faces. 

Tadashi wobbles a little, standing up. “Bye guys! Text us, okay. We love you guys so much,” he calls as Tsukishima pulls him away.

“Yeah, bye.” Tsukishima calls before he shuts the door.

Tadashi wakes up the next day with a small headache, but a good enough memory to remember the embarrassing parts of the night. But also, the good parts. The sweet parts that make his heart gushy, and him melt a little. It’s so different, to love people, and have them love you back. To put your trust in people. To have friends is such a beautiful thing. He doesn’t ever want to be without them again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one of my favorite chapters I’ve ever written. :). I’m going to start updating every Tuesday and Thursday I think. I already have the next few chapters written, I’m just fixing them up and stuff. Thanks to those who leave comments and kudos, you’re greatly appreciated.


	3. Mom and Dad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The product of your parents mistakes.

“You have all your stuff ready, baby?” Tadashi’s mom calls from the kitchen, where she’s making him breakfast. “If he’s not late again, he should be here in a half an hour.” She sounds nonchalant enough, but Tadashi knows his parents aren’t on good terms.

“Yeah, I’m going, Mom,” he calls back, zipping up his duffle bag after placing Blue the stuffed Brontosaurus in it. Blue had looked up at him dejectedly as Tadashi had shut him in there. 

He’s not feeling anxious again this time, about going to his dad’s for a weekend, which is a good sign. He’s actually kind of looking forward to seeing his siblings, and congratulating his dad’s wife on her pregnancy. He’s been thinking a lot about it, and he wants to be a good older brother. He always wanted someone to be unconditionally there for him as a kid, and, he thinks that the least he can do, is be that for the twins and the new baby.

His mom still doesn’t know. He hasn’t had the guts to tell her. He knows that she’d act angry, but actually, she’d probably just be hurt. She hasn’t been able to date very much, or find someone new, and while a part of Tadashi appreciates it because he doesn’t know if he’d be able to handle a stepdad, he knows she’s kind of lonely. All he wants is for her to be happy. Especially because once he leaves, she’ll really be all alone. Maybe he should get her a cat.

“Mom, Tsukki was supposed to pick something up this morning, if he doesn’t get here in time, can you let him in? I left it on my desk.” There’s a pile of sweatpants that belong to his boyfriend lying there. He’d realized that Tsukki was running out the last time he took some. He’s still wearing Tsukishima’s favorite hoodie this morning, though.

“Sure, honey.” She’s standing over the stove making eggs in her pajamas. This is Tadashi’s favorite version of his mom. “How’s that been going? The two of you?”

“Good. You know, stable. Comfortable.”

She laughs a little, making Tadashi kind of confused. “What?” he asks her, going to stand next to her as he pulls his hair up into a ponytail.

“You two are so funny. So mature as teenagers and kids. When I was a kid, I’d probably call my boyfriends passionate, crazy, fiery. You two are so old for being so young.” She hip checks him. “Stay young for awhile, okay?”

“We’re not  _ old _ , we’ve just known eachother forever. And been together for like two years. We don’t have to be crazy to have fun.” 

She grabs a plate and starts serving the eggs. “I know, baby. It just makes me sad to see you so grown up. I feel like I missed the day you went from being four feet tall to  _ this _ .” She gestures at him with the plate she hands to him.

He stays silent for a minute. It’s not like he can say that she  _ did _ miss those days a lot of the time. “I wish I was a little younger, too. First year was nice.” He goes to sit at the table with his food.

“You were tall then, too. I really don’t know how the tiny baby I had just disappeared so quickly. One minute, I’m freaking out because you learned how to crawl, the next, you’re captain of one of the most famous high school volleyball teams. I can’t even imagine what it’ll be when you leave me next year.”

Yamaguchi swallows a bite before he says, “You’ll be fine. I’ll call. And you can come to visit and go to all the college parties like the cool mom you want to be.”

“Ha ha. Not funny anymore, Tadashi, I’m getting too old. You better come visit me.” She walks up behind him and starts running her hands through his hair. “We have like fifteen minutes before you have to go, baby. How about you sit still and I’ll braid this mess you have on your head?”

Tadashi nods enthusiastically with the last bite of eggs in his mouth.

“I really don’t know why you won’t just cut it short, Tadashi. Half the time, you leave it tangled or messy, the other half, it's in poorly done ponytails or buns.”

Tadashi shrugs. He knows why he keeps it long, or rather,  _ who _ he keeps it long for, but his mom doesn’t have to know. Besides, he likes it too. “I don’t like it short. Makes my head look weird.”

His mom rolls her eyes and keeps working. In five minutes, there’s two, perfectly split, tight french braids ending in little pigtails, and his mom is saying something about going to take a shower when the doorbell rings. She rolls her eyes, “I’ll see you Monday then, bub.”

“Monday? I’ll be back Sunday afternoon.”

“I have a thing for work on Monday.” She leans doen and gives him a peck on the cheek. “Bye, honey, have a good time,” she says, disappearing into her room as the doorbell rings.

Yamaguchi has all his things when he goes to answer the door. Well, his duffle bag and pillow. But it’s just Tsukki standing there with his headphones on, looking bored.

“You take forever to answer the door.”

“I thought you were my dad.” Tadashi shrugs, letting him in. 

Tsukishima scoffs. “Gross.”

Tadashi rolls his eyes and leads Tsukki to his room. “Here,” he says, holding out the folded pile of sweatpants. “Sorry I took them all. They don’t even fit me, I just like wearing your clothes.

“I can tell,” Tsukki says, eyeing the hoodie Tadashi’s sporting. “When is he supposed to be getting here?”

Tsukishima hasn't taken the pile of clothes from Tadashi’s hands, so he sets them back down on his desk awkwardly. “Like, five minutes. But who knows, he’s usually late.”

“Your hair is nice like that. Cute.”

“Cute like a baby puppy or cute like oh wow he’s cute what’s his name?”

Tsukishima blinks. “What?”

“You’re hopeless, Tsukki. There’s different kinds of cute.”

“Cute as in I’m never complimenting you again because you get weird and lose your mind every single time.”

“I know.” Tadashi grins. “You like my hair.” He pulls at one of the pigtails.

“Yeah, I just said so.”

“You like-it-like-it.”

“Stop being weird.” 

“Sorry, Tsukki.”

Tsukki plops himself down on Tadashi’s bed. “Where’s the plushie?” He’s referring to Blue, whose usual home is on top of Tadashi’s pillow.

“He has a name. You know his name.”

“I’m not letting you make me refer to a stuffed animal formally.”

“He has feelings you know. You’re his father. How do you think he feels that you won’t talk to him?” Tadashi leans against his desk, and stares Tsukishima down, reaching into his bag for Blue the Brontosaurus.

“There’s something wrong with you, I swear, Tadashi. I’m not his father.” 

“You gave him to me. He came from you; you’re his father.” He walks up to his boyfriend and pokes him in his side. 

“I gave him to you when you were eight, that doesn’t make me his dad.”

“Get up, you’re in his spot.” He starts grabbing Tsukishima’s hand and trying to tug him off the bed.

“All this because I asked where the stupid stuffed animal is?” He’s not budging.

“He’s not stupid. I know you like him.” He braces one foot against his bed frame and pulls. 

“I have no feelings towards your stuffed animal.”

Tadashi raises his voice a few octaves and pokes Tsukishima in the side with Blue’s foot. “Dad, why do you hate me?” he says, as Blue.

“Tadashi, stop it.”

“Dad, acknowledge me!”

“Tadashi, you’re seventeen. And still playing with dolls.”

“Da-ad, please! I need validation! My life is meaningless until you give me your love.” Tadashi climbs onto Tsukishima, straddling him as he shoves the stuffie in his face.

“Tadashi, you’re a child.”

“Dad, please. Just tell me I’m a good kid! Tell me you’re proud of me! Or, I might turn into a serial killer seeking the male validation you don’t give me!”

“Tadashi, you’re an overgrown baby. You never matured past six years old. ” Tsukishima tries to push Blue away. 

“Please, Dad, please! I need you! So badly!” Blue persists, pushing at his cheek.

Someone coughs behind him.  _ Fuck _ , this probably looks and sounds so weird. Tadashi’s head whips to his actual dad, who’s standing at the door.

“Oh. Hi, Dad. Um, I thought you would call when you got here.” He awkwardly slides off of Tsukishima, who looks like he’s just seen a ghost. He’s even paler than Tadashi had thought possible, and he looks kind of sickly. 

“You, uh, didn’t answer your phone. And I rang the doorbell but nobody was getting it.” His dad looks more confused than disgusted, which Tadashi supposes is a good sign. 

“Oh, sorry. Um, me and Tsukishima were just messing around.” Nope, that sounds weird. “Not in a weird way! Like, playing.” Not much better.

His dad nods. “Well, it’s nice to see you again, Tsukishima.”

Tsukki, who’s standing up straight next to Tadashi nods, “Nice to see you, Sir.” It makes Tadashi want to laugh a little, how stiff he is.

“Okay, Dad, let me get my stuff and kick Tsukki out, I’ll meet you out by the car.” His dad nods, extending his hand out to Tsukishima.

Tsukki shakes it firmly and nods back. It makes Tadashi giggle a little once his dad goes. 

“I’m going to kill you,” Tsukishima whispers. 

Tadashi laughs even harder.

…

“Hey, don’t bite him, he didn’t do anything.” Tadashi pulls one of the twins, Chiyo, the girl, off of her brother. 

“But I’m Dinosaur, Tashi?” She looks up at him with big blinking eyes. 

“Some of the coolest Dinosaurs only ate plants,” he tells her, picking up her brother and wiping the spot on his arm where she’s left spit with his bib.

“Ohhh. I tell mommy I only eat plants too! To be like Dinsosaurs.”

“Don’t get me in trouble, Chiyo, eat whatever she gives you.” He scolds, but he gives her a pat on the head anyways.

The Dinosaur fascination is actually the weirdest thing, because Tsukishima has only met the twins a few times, and they’d never gotten close enough to talk about dinosaurs. It felt like Tadashi was in some sort of simulation the first time they’d started yelling about being “T-Wex!”, and he’d had no clue as to how but somehow, his boyfriend had to be mind-controlling his siblings. Then they’d started yammering about a train that took the dinosaurs places, and he'd learned about the strange turn that children’s cartoons had taken in the past ten years. The theme song was catchy, though.

The little boy, Keiji, chewing on a block, mumbles, “Tashi, naptime?” It was big enough that he wouldn’t choke, so Tadashi lets him keep the block.

“Are you sleepy? Let’s go potty first.”

“Nooooo. Tashi sleepy.”

“You want me to sleep?”

“All us get naptime with Tashi!” Chiyo is definitely not tired, tugging on Tadashi’s hand, but she wants to be a part of the group.

“Noooo. No Shiyo. Only Tashi.” Keiji mumbles, eyebrows knit together.

Her eyes start to well up. “Not fair! Mean!” She stomps her little feet on the floor.

“Shhh, it’s okay, we can all play, okay?”

“No! He not being nice!” she shouts, balling her little hands up into fists. “I don’t like him!”

From Tadashi’s arms, Keiji starts to wail, and fuck, Tadashi hates this part. “No guys, be nice, you can get along.”

Thankfully, before they’re both full out sobbing, his dad and their mom, Miya, walk in. 

“I didn’t mean to make them cry, please help,” he tells them, as Miya scoops up Chiyo from where she’s grasping onto Tadashi’s pant leg. 

“What’d you do to poor Tadashi, baby? Why’re you crying?”

Keiji’s calmed down some in Tadashi’s arms, and he’s the first to tattle, “She say mean things!”

That just makes Chiyo wail even more, so Tadashi says, “Hey, weren’t you tired? It’s your naptime, come on,” and takes him into his bedroom the twins share.

It’s only after Keiji’s asleep and Chiyo’s sat in front of the tv, that Tadashi feels some relief. Being a good older brother is hard when the kids are so little. He feels a little more like a parent.

“So, when are you telling them about the new baby? Um, congratulations by the way.”

“Well, your father and I,” Oh, barf. Tadashi hates that phrase. “We were hoping that we could talk to them this weekend, and then you could tell them about what it’s like being a big brother.”

“Oh.”

“Just, you know, the cute parts. Like how you take care of younger siblings and love them and stuff.” 

“Oh, okay. Sure.” That’s gonna be weird. He barely knows what it means to be a big brother. He only even feels like a big brother when he’s in this house. “Yeah, I love the twins. I’ll talk to them.” They were like two, how much of this concept could they understand, anyways?

“So, Tadashi, any plans for university yet?” Miya asks.

“Not yet. But, hopefully I get to go somewhere nice.”

“You’re a smart kid, you’ll be fine,” his dad offers. “You get great grades.”

Tadashi shrugs. “Hopefully, I’ll just apply to a bunch of places and then talk to Tsukki about it, and decide where we go together.”

Miya frowns. “It’s not always such a great idea to just follow a boyfriend to college. Trust me.” Tadashi does trust that her experience probably hadn’t been great with that, but when she mentions college, it reminds him that she only graduated it less than five years ago, and it weirds him out.

“I know, but we haven’t only been together in highschool. It’s kind of different, you know? Like, we’ve stuck together for ten years. I don’t want to let him go.”

Miya nods at him. “Hey, if you’ve found your person, don’t let them go.” She gives his dad a gooey glance. Weird.

His dad nods too. “It’s not like I expected you to leave the guy alone either way. Plus, if I’m the one paying rent while you’re studying, I’m hoping you’d have a roommate to make it cheaper.”

Tadashi smiles a little, blushing. “Yeah, well, I’m not even sure yet, so.”

“Speaking of Tsukishima, do you want to explain what I walked in on this morning, Tadashi?” HIs voice sounds stern, but his smirk gives him away. Stupid sense of humor.

“Nothing, Dad. Literally nothing. I was making him claim his parenthood of Blue the Brontosaurus.” 

“Sure, Tadashi, I’ll believe you.”

Miya is smiling. “Leave him alone, let him do kid stuff while he can. You’ve gotten so big Tadashi. I remember how small you were when we met. It’s getting crazy.” Her tone and topic of choice are making Tadashi feel kind of sick with how similar they are to the conversation he had with his mom this morning. Like the same thing, except she’s less invested. She doesn’t love him like his mom does, even if she likes him. This conversation doesn’t mean the same thing to her as it will when she has it with Keiji. And that’s okay. He just wishes they could stop pretending.

He laughs lightly. “Uh well, that’s how growing up goes, I guess.” He swallows. “I’m gonna be in um, my room. Let me know if you need help with dinner.”

“Sure,” she says, as he walks out.

If she were his mom, she’d just laugh at him. He can’t cook. Anybody who knew him could tell you that. But Miya  _ doesn’t _ know him well, he has to remind himself. And he has to wonder about his dad, too.

…

Tsukki’s picked up the phone on the third ring, and as the facetime call connects, Tadashi’s heart picks up. Kei’s got him glasses off and he’s squinting at the screen in this very cute way.

“He’s alive!” Tadashi teases him. “I thought you might have fainted and gone into a coma after this morning.”

“Not funny, Tadashi. You’re so lucky it was your dad and not my mom. She might have banned you from my room.”

“My dad thinks it was funny.”

“Ha. I don’t.”

“We weren’t even doing anything, calm down, big baby.”

“...I’m going to hang up. I don’t have to take this. I forgot the greatest thing given to us by technology. Ending conversations with a button.”

“Nonono, don’t leave me. I’m all alone here. Dad’s gone, kids are busy, and I’m not about to go make small talk with the wife. It’s late.”

“Do your homework.”

“I’m so bored, I already did.”

“Wow. Crazy. Okay, what do you want to talk about?”

They’re like ten minutes in on a conversation about Dinosaur Train, which Tadashi makes Kei look up, when everything goes bad.

It’s maybe when he hears his dad come in that he can tell something’s off. The door slams and the footsteps are heavy and quick paced. Then, there’s whispering.

“Wait, shut up for a second,” he tells Tsukishima, who makes a face. “I think Miya and my dad are fighting.”

“Don’t just be listening in.”

“Shhhhh.” He mutes Tsukki on his phone.

Logically, he knows that couples can be healthy and fight. In fact, almost everyone says that fighting is good. But it still freaks him out a little, especially considering that this is his dad. He’s never seen them fight before, and maybe, if his dad was crazy with his mom, then maybe he’s crazy with Miya too. He presses his ear against his door to maybe hear a little better.

“-can’t ask him for that much,” he hears Miya’s voice say.

“He’s my kid, I can ask him for whatever I need to,” his dad says back.

So it’s probably about Tadashi, since much less likely that his dad would need to ask anything from Keiji, and that fact is freaking him out even more. 

“He’s not my kid, though, you forget that I don’t have the same claim to him as you do. We’ve barely gotten comfortable together. If you ask him for this, and he doesn’t want to, we may go back to when he didn’t talk to me at all.” Tadashi really wonders what they could possibly want from him.

“He’d been brainwashed by his mother, he likes you now, enough to accept you as a part of his family.”

Well,  _ fuck that _ , he had  _ not _ been  _ brainwashed _ by his mother. He’d been forced to meet his dad’s girlfriend only months after the divorce was finalized and he was a shy kid who didn’t know who to trust. Miya had earned it with time, but it’s unfair for his dad to just be blaming everything on his mom.

“Look, if you want to ask him, you go ahead, but I’m not comfortable. I want a good relationship with him. You’re jeopardizing that.” Miya’s voice was getting more and more strained.

“I’m not jeopardizing it, I’m trying to help. Part of the reason it’s so weird for him to be here is because it only happens so rarely!”

Tadashi hadn’t known. That they thought it was weird for him to be there. The thought makes him feel all itchy. 

“The other reason is because you leave him here alone with two infants and a lady he doesn't even consider his stepmom! You picked him up this morning, got here at ten, stayed till noon, then left until now, when he’s already in bed!” They must think he’s asleep, then.

“You know I work hard. I work to save for his schooling, for our kids, this family. Don’t throw that back in my face.”

“I’m  _ not _ , I’m just saying, I don’t even know what changing how long he stays here would do, if we don’t even utilize the time that he  _ is _ here.” Her voice is getting farther and farther away, like they’re getting closer to their bedroom. 

“I still want to ask. If he says no, he says no.”

Tadashi hears their room door shut, and he can’t hear anything else. His thoughts are all catching up to him, the shock of it all is wearing away. He’s scared, more than anything. He appreciate Miya. But, God, he feels awful. He feels like a nuisance. That’s what they’d said. That it was weird having him around. He feels like such a burden. And he just wants to go home, more than anything. He slumps against the door, Tsukki’s facetime call forgotten, as he tries to still his breathing before this escalates, like Ren had taught him. He tries to think logically, speak out loud, force his brain to put emotions into words and categories.

It feels useless and sad, to whisper out loud, “Lonely. Homesick. Confused. Tired.” His heart rate isn’t spiking like normal, though. He’s not shaking or about to throw up. He thinks that may be progress. 

But it’s been replaced with this cold, chalky feeling in his throat. He wants a hug. And to be allowed to just feel sad. He doesn’t want to cry, just to feel the pit in his stomach and let it be. To feel the headache that’s building behind his forehead. And it’s almost worse than the alternative.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um, idk about this chapter. I’m excited for the next one though! This fic is updating Tuesdays and Thursdays. Thanks for dropping kudos and especially comments. Love u guys.
> 
> ps Blue is a stuffed green brontosaurus that I was gonna add a link to, but i cant figure out how to do that lol


	4. Dad and Mom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And they keep making mistakes.

The sky isn’t dark yet, but the street lights are on as Tadashi and Tsukishima walk side by side. It’s those few precious minutes after sunset where there’s still light and colors in the sky, and it’s getting a little cool. 

It’s Monday evening, and Tadashi’s killing as much time as possible before he has to go home. There’s a talk he needs to have with his mom that he’s dreading. He can imagine her disappointment, the way her eyebrows might crease together, the way her eyes could narrow. It’s not something he wants to experience. So, he’s bothering Tsukishima as much as possible before they have to part ways on their walk home. 

“Tadashi, stop, I’m sweaty and gross.” Tsukki tells him as Tadashi tries to climb on top of him for a piggyback ride.

“But I’m  _ tired _ . My legs are shaking. They’re exhausted. Can’t walk.”

“Right, and  _ you _ were the one who made us run suicides for conditioning today at practice. I’m tired, too.”

“Tsukkiiiiiiii. Go get your car and pick me up then. I’m dying.” He drags his feet for emphasis.

“I’m not driving you four blocks down the street. Besides, you should learn your lesson.”

“What lesson?”

“Third year privileges should be in place. We should only have to do half of what the others do.” Tsukishima’s expression makes Tadashi laugh. He looks like a cartoon would, deflated and red-faced.

“I’d agree, but I bet Hinata and Kageyama would get competitive and do double what the underclassmen do anyways.”

Tsukishima scoffs. They keep walking, and pass Shimada Mart. It looks lonely, in the dying light. It looks cold.

“It’s my mom’s birthday this weekend on Saturday.” Tsukishima says after a minute, breaking the comfortable silence. 

“Oh yeah, I remember. Middle of October.” Tadashi loves Tsukishima’s mom. His whole family, actually, had seen Tadashi through a lot, and he’d never felt judged or laughed at when he was with them. They already felt like in-laws.

“She wanted me to invite you over. She’s having a birthday dinner thing.”

“Oh.”

“Oh?”

“I think my dad wants me at his house this weekend.”

“What? Why? You were just there.”

“They want to increase my time with them. Before I have to leave for college. To give the twins and me more time together.” Tadashi swallows. “I don’t know about it.”

“But you have a whole life here. Like, what, they’re gonna move you back and forth every weekend?”

“I don’t know. I don’t even know if I want to do it. They said it’s up to me.” Tadashi takes slower steps.

“Yeah, but they’re totally guilting you. Makes you seem like a shit sibling if you say no. That’s not fair.”

“I guess. I like the kids. I want to be a good brother. But, it’s my last year here too. Like, the weekends were supposed to be for us, and our friends, and maybe even my mom. I don’t want to feel like I have to choose one or the other.”

“Yeah. It’s fucked.” They walk slowly down the third block down from Tsukki’s house.

“I was going to talk to my mom right now. I’m scared she’ll be mad at me.”

“Probably not at you,” Tsukishima says after a few seconds. “But, think of it from her perspective, your dad and her already had this custody fight and everything. Now, it’s going to seem like he’s forcing you to rehash it, but this time, you choose him over her.” Tsukkishima looks down at Tadashi through his glasses.

“Is that what you think, too? That I’d be choosing him?”

Tsukishima shrugs. “You have the right, Dashi. It’s a fair thing, to want to make up for all the time you won’t have later, and didn’t have growing up.”

“That’s not really what I asked though, is it?”

Tsukishima sighs. “It’s just...well, our last year. With the team, and our friends, and as highschoolers. It just feels like it should be  _ our _ time too.”

Tadashi wants to scream. This feels like custody court all over again, he has to decide between the people that love him most, and even though he kind of already knows what he wants to choose, the fear of hurting anybody with his decision is the worst feeling in the world. His stomach hurts with it, he feels like his insides are tearing into pieces. Tsukishima had once told him that his greatest asset and greatest fault is how much of himself he throws into loving others. Tadashi feels that every time he has to break himself apart for decisions like these.

“I don’t know. I hate this so much,” he tells Tsukki, as they inch closer to his house. 

“It’s okay either way, you know. We’ll be fine. You’ll be fine.”

“I love you,” Tadashi tells him, as they stop in front of Tsukki’s driveway.

Tsukishima looks at the floor when he says it back. “Love you too.” He pauses. “You know, I could always drive the two hours to see you when you’re at his house, too.”

“Honestly, one of these weekends, I could just ask if you could come with me. And stay the night. I’m pretty sure my dad would be fine with it.”

“I’m pretty sure your dad thinks I have some disgusting fetish for pretending to be him since our last encounter.”

“He doesn’t, don’t say that!” Tadashi laughs. The feeling in his stomach eases. “He thinks you’re funny to rile up.”

“I’m sure he does.”

“Besides, the twins would love you. Just talk to them about dinosaurs and you’d be set for days.” Tadashi frowns. “Don’t let them bite you, though. They have a bad habit of biting.”

“Oh great.” Tsukishima rolls his eyes. “Kids and I don’t get along. Especially babies. And I didn’t even get along with kids when I was a kid.”

“You got along with me.”

“You were the exception, not the rule. And you were adorable. Most kids are freaky looking.”

“I’m adorable?”

“Keyword: were. Now you’re just sort of crazy and somewhat cute.”

Tadashi sticks his tongue out. “We’ve been at your house for minutes now, and you won’t leave me alone. I’m not the crazy one, you’re obsessed with me. Like a stalker.”

“No, you’re the one at my house while it’s dark out already. You’re the stalker.

“Okay, weirdo, just admit it. You’re obsessed.” Tadashi crowds his space.

“Nope.”

“Say it. You’re obsessed.”

“No.”

“Say it, or I’ll turn around and go home and I won’t talk to you all night.”

Tsukishima stays silent, so Tadashi starts walking home. He’s only made it three steps away when he hears a quiet, “I’m obsessed.”

Tadashi grins and runs back, throwing his arms around Tsukishima’s neck, and jumping.“I do actually have to go home, though,” he says as Tsukishima rolls his eyes and catches him, carrying him like a toddler. It’s moments like these that Tadashi thinks maybe Tsukishima is right about him being much too obsessed with romance movies. He gets caught up in this feeling sometimes, and he has to check himself and remember that this is his real life, not some fantasy or story. Tsukki plays along a little bit, though.

“You should talk to your mom. Think things through.” He sets Tadashi down.

“I wish I didn’t have to. I wish I could do both, be a good sibling and still have time for me.” He doesn’t have to say that he’d be able to if his parents were together. If his family all lived in one place.

“It doesn’t make you a bad brother to not sacrifice all your time for them.” Tsukishima scoffs. “They’re like three, they won’t remember in two years anyways.”

“So you think I shouldn’t?”

“It’s up to you. I won’t be mad if you do. I’d still figure out a way to spend time with you, god knows I don’t have anything else to do. Okay?” He looks straight into Tadashi’s eyes.

“Okay.”

“You should go talk to your mom.”

Tadashi nods, and steps into Tsukishima’s arms for their routine goodnight hug. A few seconds, then he leans in to press his lips to Tsukishima’s. This is normal, casual, typical, and it settles Tadashi a little as they say goodnight and he turns to go. It’s funny to think how if he from two years ago could see that moment, the old Tadashi might’ve cried out of happiness. He doesn’t take it for granted, any minute of it. It’s never lost on him that this was all he wanted for a really long time. 

His mom’s car is in the driveway when he gets home. He finds her sitting at their kitchen table with what looks like takeout.

“Hi, honey, how was your day?” his mom calls out to him as he drops his bags and leaves his shoes by the door.

“It was good. I’m tired from practice today.” 

“I’ll bet. You look like you could use a few showers and a nap.”

“M’ hungry.”

“Come eat, then, I brought you dinner.”

Tadashi sits down across from his mom and starts digging in, buying himself a few seconds. He isn’t actually very hungry; his stomach is sort of hurting. But he wants to get this over with.

“Mom?” he says, down at his takeout box.

“Yeah, baby?” she responds, down at her phone.

“I have to talk to you about something.” She still hasn’t looked up. “About Dad.”

There it is. A shift in the mood, her head snaps up, she’s at attention, stiff, composed. She looks ready for battle, and it scares Tadashi. There is no battle.

“What about your dad?”

“Well, he, uh, he asked me something last weekend. To maybe start going over every weekend I could.” There’s something sharp in Tadashi’s throat and maybe his chest that it’s hard to talk around, and each word is physically painful.

“Why would he ask that? We already have an established system. Two weekends a month.” His mom isn’t being snappy, just matter-of-fact, but she sounds professional and it scares Tadashi. She doesn’t need to be professional.

“I think it's because my brother and sister. He wants me to form a good relationship before college.”

“That’s just like him, to use them to guilt you. As leverage.” She scoffs, rolling her eyes. “He knows exactly what he signed up for. He knows how much time he wanted with you. For fucks sake, he didn’t give a shit about your relationship with  _ him _ . Two weekends a month, you think he’d be on time at least once. Or he wouldn’t cancel on his time with you every other month. But now that you’re leaving, he suddenly cares about your relationships.”

It makes Tadashi pause. He never thought of it like that, but she does have a fair point from her perspective. His dad really didn’t seem to value the time they’d had before Tadashi’s siblings were born. It makes Tadashi feel itchy all over again.

“Tadashi, I can’t believe the audacity of that man. He always tossed you aside, put you at second tier to that college student he babysits,” Tadashi knows his mom’s referring to Miya, “and now he wants to take you away from your last year living your life here. He broke up our family once, now he’s doing it again.”

His mom’s words are burning him. They’re working their way into his skin, marking him, and they hurt. They’re all the things he’d had suspicions of, all his discomfort with his father, all his quiet, deepest, blocked out thoughts, thoughts he’d made himself dismiss, all spoken out loud and carving their way into him.

“Mom, I can’t…” he starts, but his breath is coming shorter, and his heartbeat is in his ears. “Can’t talk about.” Another shallow breath, “him like that.”

She hasn’t looked at Tadashi, lost in her own rant. “Oh, be honest with yourself. You’re not a baby anymore. You know how he treats you. You’re not a part of his family, you’re expendable. He just wants to take this away from you, from me. He‘d rather have you play this part in his ideal family than let you have your final year in peace.”

Tadashi had tuned out a little after the word expendable, and it started playing in his mind over and over again. Expendable. Ex-pen-dable. Expendable. It stops sounding like a word after a minute if you think about it too much. 

His legs are shaking now, and Tadashi accepts it. This is what it’s like.

All he can hear is his heart beating too quickly, thumping in his ears like the beat of one of Tsukki’s techno songs, and he feels his chest rising, with every choked breath he tries to take. His body is too hot, and he’s sweating again, but he feels cold at the same time as the sweat dries again his skin. His vision is glassy and his head is too heavy. The breathing is so difficult. It feels like he’s choking each time he tries, and his mind is scaring him, racing, thinking yes he is choking, he’s dying, this is it for young Yamaguchi Tadashi, his funeral will be next week, in attendance are his boyfriend, friends, but no parents because he’s expendable, if you didn’t know. Expendableexpendableexpendable. Meaning unimportant. Could be there, but unnecessary. Easy enough to be without. 

He knows his mom has noticed now, but it’s too late to stop it. She knows how to help though, to get his inhaler, to force him to breathe, to hold him, ground him, speak loudly, slowly, try and redirect his mind. It won’t stop. For minutes that feel like hours, he stays there, at his kitchen table, trying his best to survive this, his body stiffening then relaxing, twitching. His vision glitching. He really might die. 

His breathing is slowing down, though, after about ten minutes of it all, he attributes that to his inhaler. So the worst of it is over.

“Tadashi, baby, can you get up? We should get you to a shower. It’ll help settle you down.”

“Yeah,” he says after a minute. His heartbeat is returning to a normal pace. “I can go myself, Mom.” He feels angry at her, but he hasn’t had much time to think it all through.

“Okay,” There’s a pause as Tadashi stands on slightly shaky legs. “I’m sorry I triggered it. I wasn’t thinking, baby.”

“I know,” Tadashi moves towards his room. “But it happened. It’s basically over.”

“Tadashi, I know it was my fault. I didn’t mean to.”

“I said, I know,” he snaps, then takes a breath. “But I get to be mad. That wasn’t fair, Mom. You can’t just make me feel like shit about Dad. You can’t put words in his mouth that make it worse than it is. You don’t get to try to make me hate him. All you do when you start this shit is make me hate me. Makes me feel awful.”

“Tadashi, I’m sorry, okay? Your father and I have always been complicated.” She sounds exasperated, and it irritates Tadashi even more.

“Yeah, and I’ve always been right there in the middle, haven’t I?” He shuts the door to his room, a little harder than necessary.

…

  
  
  


It’s all fine, really, that he hasn’t made a real decision come Friday because he and his mom aren’t talking, it’s fine. It’s fine that he writes a note on Saturday, saying he’s going to Tsukishima’s mom’s birthday dinner, and then the two of them are driving up to his Dad’s for the weekend. It’s all fine, when he walks to Tsukishima’s house Saturday morning, greets his father at the door, and walks straight to his room, where he’s still asleep. 

The most fine part is the comfort of climbing into Tsukki’s bed with him, waking him up accidentally, but it’s all okay, because Tsukishima is warm and in that sleep dazed state, his glasses are on his bedside table, his hair is messy, and  _ fuck _ , Tadashi loves him. He loves him so much he wants to cry as he looks at him. He’s so pretty. Tadashi can’t believe sometimes, that this is all his. His heart overflows constantly with love for the specks of gold in his eyes, the mole above his left collarbone, the thin bridge of his nose.

He almost does cry as he scoops up as much of him as he can in his arms, and burrows into his chest, and takes a deep breath. His eyes water, at least, and he feels so good, finally.

“What’s wrong, baby?” Tsukishima’s groggy, sleep coated voice asks, and Tadashi feels a tear spill out. Being called ‘baby’ is a rare occurrence, but it’s absolutely Tadashi’s favorite. It means Kei thinks Tadashi is being precious or adorable, Tadashi’s learned in the past few years, and it sends Tadashi to cloud nine, usually. Today it makes a few more loose tears spill out.

“M’happy. Bad week. You already know. But,” Tadashi doesn’t look up. “I just love you the most. You’re my favorite.” 

“You’re my favorite, too, okay?” Tsukishima pulls Tadashi off of his stomach and chest, sitting up, and into his lap. He slumps into Tsukishima’s chest anyways, presses his cheek against his chest, as Tsukishima reaches for his glasses and pets Tadashi’s hair. It makes Tadashi’s tears spill over again, wetting Tsukishima’s shirt a little.

“What happened? Don’t cry, Dashi, you’re okay.” He’s speaking so incredibly softly, that it makes Tadashi want to cry even harder. 

“I’ve just been so sad all week. And I haven’t had time to be sad, with all the testing and practice. And you were busy, and I was busy, and we barely got to see each other, and I just love you so much and I missed you.” He sniffles against Tsukishima’s chest.

“You don’t need to cry, it’s alright now. It was a rough week, I know, but you’re okay, right?” Tsukki’s voice is still scratchy from sleep. He plants a kiss at the top of Tadashi’s head.

Tadashi wipes his eyes. “I’m just overwhelmed. I’m okay.”

“Okay,” Tsukishima brushes off the few tears on Tadashi’s cheek. “Let me get up for a minute, I have to brush my teeth.”

Tadashi nods and lets him go.

  
  


…

  
  


“So, Tadashi, any universities you’ve been particularly interested in?” Tsukishima’s dad asks him.

They’re at a fancy restaurant Tadashi has never heard of before, but had to bring a button down and slacks to wear to, and it’s kind of fun to feel so fancy. He has to chew and swallow before he can answer.

“Not really so far. I’m thinking of applying to a lot of places and seeing where I want to go from there.” Tadashi answers. He’s pretty comfortable around Tsukki’s family, even his grandparents know Tadashi pretty well, and have been really sweet people to him. It honestly blows his mind sometimes how Kei’s mom, the world’s nicest soccer mom and classy businesswoman all in one, and his dad, an easygoing, beer and sportsball kind of guy, could make Kei so salty and dry. Not that he doesn’t love it.

“Hopefully not too far, Tadashi. I’ll miss my two boys too much,” Mrs. Tsukishima is so kind. Tadashi loves her so much.

“Mom. Three. I’m literally sitting next to you,” Akiteru pipes up, offended.

“Get over it, Akiteru. Mom just established it; you don’t matter.” Kei snarks, smirking.

“ _ Kei _ . Be nice to your brother,” She scolds him, prompting Akiteru to stick his tongue out at Kei behind his mom’s back. If his dad catches it, he just chuckles. “I didn’t say that, I just meant they’re the only ones left at home, sweetheart,” she tells Akiteru.

The contrast of this pretty picture of a functional family and how his own is always breaking apart is never lost on Tadashi. He loves pretending to be a part of it so much, that when he has to leave and go home sometimes, it hurts to be sent catapulting back into reality.

“How’s the team doing boys? Still going strong?” Mr. Tsukishima refocuses on Tadashi and Kei.

“Very strong. We’re hoping to go to Nationals. Our underclassmen are incredibly skilled, but really there’s so many strong third years, we’re definitely in the top few teams.” Tadashi tells him. He’s proud of his boys.

“Yeah. Our friends are probably looking at joining national teams after this year.” Tsukki adds on.

“Wow. It must be very cool, Tadashi, to be the captain and leader of such a team. Proud of you, son.” Those words make Tadashi a little emotional, but he chokes his emotions down and suppresses them, most likely to think of at midnight sometime soon.

“Oh, well, I do my best, but they’re all so talented, they basically lead themselves.” He laughs awkwardly, blushing a little. 

“He’s a great leader. He’s strong,” Kei tells his father, and it makes Yamaguchi melt a little.

“I bet,” Tsukki’s dad nods at Tadashi.

“Ha, remember when Kei was the captain of his elementary school team for two weeks?” Akiteru starts laughing to himself.

Tadashi pipes up. This must have been pre-Tadashi times. “No, what happened? Why only two weeks?”

“The coach thought it would make him more of a team player,” Tsukki’s mom winces.

“In reality, he made kids cry, calling them pathetic and stupid. He got demoted after one kid told his mom on Kei.” Akiteru’s still periodically giggling at his own story.

Tadashi joins in. Even Kei next to him cracks a smile. “I maintain that the kid who snitched  _ was  _ pathetic.”

“ _ Kei _ , don’t say that about children,” his mom scolds again. “It’s not necessarily your proudest moment, young man.”

“Okay, what about Akiteru? He used to take your lipstick to draw on his face to look like Naruto when he played with his friends.” Kei says, causing Mrs. Tsukishima to whip her head around and glare at Akiteru.

“Wha-uh-KEI,” Akiteru sputters. “Mine was a family story we all already knew. You’re just snitching now. Tadashi, help.”

Tadashi considers his options. He has plenty of stories about Kei, and he can’t really think of any dirt Tsukki would be willing to expose to his family about him. It’s a win-win.

“Kei used to dig holes in your backyard to look for fossils and blame it on your old dog.” Tadashi says, smiling, and winks at Akiteru.

Tsukki turns to him with the ultimate expression of defeat and betrayal. Tadashi thinks it’s cute. 

“We could tell. It was a white maltese that never got dirty.” Mr. Tsukishima chuckles, and it triggers a laugh around the table.

“Yeah, well, Akiteru, do you remember when me and Tadshi were nine, and for valentines day,” Holy fuck, no way was Kei going to bring this up. No way. “You got an anonymous valentine in the mail? Yeah, that was Tadashi.”

Tadashi wants to burrow into the ground and hide. He can’t even remember what his nine-year-old self had written, but it’d had to have been the cringiest shit ever.

“I hate you,” He whispers to Kei in embarrassment as everyone else at the table laughs.

“Tadashi, to be honest though bud, I could tell. Your handwriting wasn’t the greatest.”

“I’m sorry, that’s so embarrassing. I’d blocked those memories out.” He looks down at his plate.

“Aw, come on Tadashi, don’t you ever wonder if you picked the wrong brother?” Akiteru winks at him. 

“Don’t make it weird, he was nine. Besides, between me and you, it’s very obvious he made the right choice. You look like someone took my picture and put a disfiguring filter on it, and shrank it a few inches.” Tsukishima says.

Akiteru sputters, “Uh,  _ Mom _ , Kei’s being mean again.”

Mrs. Tsukishima shrugs him off. “Honestly Akiteru, I don’t know what to tell you. You keep provoking him. If you don’t want to get bit, don’t bother the snake.” It makes Tadashi laugh.

It’s warm, and lighthearted, and beautiful. It’s every movie about teens with good families ever, the way they all exist together. It’s the silly cliche sign that Mrs. Tsukishima has hung in the dining room: _ Live, Laugh, Love, Because We’re Family. _ It’s everything Tadashi had ever wanted, and for once, instead of feeling a sting of jealousy when him and Tsukishima leave, and they all exchange hugs, Tadashi feels grateful that he’s a part of it. That he can feel so at home with them, and that they all love him so openly. He loves the way Tsukishima’s mom takes the flowers he’d bought for her and exclaims for three minutes how beautiful they are, how his dad gives Tadashi a firm handshake and a, “See you soon, son.”, how Akiteru ruffles his hair as he says goodbye. And it’s nice, after a week of feeling that his own family and home is broken, being surrounded by one that’s whole again.

...

  
  


“Shukki! Shukki, look, Ptewodactyl!”

It’s beyond Tadashi, how Chiyo can pronounce pterodactyl well, but not Tsukki. She’s pointing at the TV as Sunday morning cartoons play, and Tadashi finally finds out what Dinosaur Train actually is. It’s very cute. Chiyo is sitting on Tsukishima’s lap, occasionally pulling at his sleeve to point out things that are happening on screen when she feels he’s not paying enough attention. It’s also very cute.

“I know, I’m watching, Chiyo.” Tsukki isn’t as bad with kids as he’d claimed to be, but he’s not great. He talks to them like adults, which is kind of weird, but the kids love him for it. They’re absolutely obsessed with him. Tadashi and Kei had arrived at Tadashi’s dad’s house late at night, but for some reason, the kids were up, and had gone a little ballistic at seeing Kei again. They’d finally gotten them to calm down enough to go to bed, but it’d taken Kei reading them a bedtime story for it to happen. Then, this morning, Tadashi had to shoo them out of his room after they’d woken Kei and him up at seven am by jumping on their bed. For being only three, they were monsters.

“Okay, you watch with me, Shukki.” Chiyo tells Tsukishima sternly.

Miya is making breakfast at the stove, what smells like pancakes, and Keiji keeps mumbling something about how he’s hungry, so Tadashi carries him over to the kitchen, hands him some juice, and balances him on his hip while he talks to Miya about little things. He hasn’t forgotten the feeling of overhearing his dad and her fighting about him, but he feels he needs some sort of stable relationship with at least one of his parents. And if it’s going to be his dad for once, it has to be her, too.

“So, Tadashi, have you had some time to think about what your dad I asked you? Don’t feel any pressure, okay?”

“...I think I’m just gonna wing it, week by week, y’know? I want to be here for the twins, but, it’s also my last year here. I want to have both.”

“That’s perfect, Tadashi. Whatever works for you. I remember my third year.” She looks off at nothing, as if she’s remembering. “I absolutely hated my parents. I was totally goth, too. I still love that type of music, haha, just not the fashion.”

It’s kind of cool to think of her as his age, not as uncomfortable as he would have imagined. She must have been nice back then too, maybe a little bit like Yachi, sweet and funny. She was pretty too, she probably had lots of guys falling for her.

“That’s weird to imagine. Who knew being goth really is just a phase?” Tadashi smiles at her, and sets Keiji down, who’s wriggling in his arms.

“Totally not a phase. I’m goth on the inside. Ignore the soccer mom vibes and the minivan I drive. It’s completely punk to drive a minivan.” She smiles back at him.

Tadashi’s happy for this easy communication they have going. Sometimes, he forgets how truly cool she is. And even if he can’t see her as a stepmom, she’s really nice, and funny, and he’s glad she’s his sibling’s mom. He’s glad his siblings will have this much more stable home life.

“Miya, who knew you were so cool?” He teases lightly.

“I’m a five’one force to be reckoned with Yamaguchi Tadashi,” she says back, flipping a pancake. “Really, though. I’m glad the kids have you to look up to. You’re gonna be a kickass older brother.”

Yamaguchi smiles. “You’re a great mom. I’m happy they have you, too,” he tells her.

“Stop it, kid, you’re gonna make me cryyy.” She sniffles, “Pregnancy hormones and all that.”

He wonders if he can tell her. If he can just say the word, make her feel better. He tries not to doubt himself. It’s not about him, it’s about her. “Miya,” he starts, “You’ve been good to me. You’ve been a good um, stepmom.” The last part is very quiet, as if he ran out of gas, but he knows she’s heard it.

Too many tears, as she throws her arms around him and squeezes. “Tadashi, I  _ told _ you, pregnancy hormones. The waterworks are unstoppable.”

When she finally lets him go, and he can go save his boyfriend from two slobbery three year olds, it feels good. It feels good to have told her, in a way she would understand, that everything wrong, with his dad or his mom, has nothing to do with her. That he’s grateful she’s always tried her best with him. Maybe even loved him. He’s grateful she’s fought for him, tried to make him as comfortable as possible without turning a blind eye to the awkwardness of the situation. He’s realizing that at some point, she’s become one of the most stable parts of his family. And he’s grateful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is the longest chapter so far. I'm having fun writing this cuz I love Yams a lot. Expect more friends in the next update on Thursday. :) Thanks for kudos and especially comments, you make my day so happy! I love to know when you like my shitty writing :)


	5. Team Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talking and playing and having fun.

“Well,” Ren looked kind of shaken. Tadashi had to cancel their session last week because of finals and practice, so it’s been two weeks, full of drama, that he’s had to recount to his therapist. “A lot of things happened that we should unpack.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Tadashi’s a lot more open to speaking this week than he’s been before. He knows that he should think everything from the past few weeks through.

“Alright. Let’s start with the night you overheard your father and stepmother speaking about you. You told me you evaded a panic attack using the techniques we’d practiced, right?” Ren looks to Tadashi for confirmation. He nods. “Talk to me about it.”

“Well, I felt it coming, kind of? Like I recognized the trigger, you would say. I knew that if I didn’t at least try to stop it, I’d have one. So, I started saying words out loud, feelings, like you said, categorizing, making things make logical sense.”

“Good, Tadashi. And how did it feel?”

“Honestly? Kind of pathetic.” Ren laughs a little at how blunt he is. “Well, it was. But, I guess, not as pathetic as having a panic attack. It made me feel a little sick, but not as bad.”

“It’s your brain taking charge over your body. By putting emotions into words, saying them out loud, you’re forcing yourself to use your left brain, and not just rely on your right brain, your emotions, to rule over you. That’s why I highly recommend writing feelings down, or at least, speaking them out loud.” Ren explains, and it gives Tadashi some comfort, knowing that there’s a reason he does these weird things, beyond his own patheticness. 

“Oh, makes sense.” Tadashi takes a breath. “So, the day after, they asked me about staying over more. And then there was that whole crisis. But, I talked to my friends and boyfriend about it, and like, tried it with my mom, but I told you how  _ that _ went, and I decided to decide weekend by weekend.”

“Sound plan, very mature, Tadashi,” Ren gives him a look. An I’m-going-to-ask-about-something-big-now type of look. “How do you think you need to resolve the problems with your mother?”

“...Do I really have to talk to her about it?” Tadashi sighs.

“Seems like you already know the answer.”

“I feel like I’m allowed to be angry, here. Like, panic attacks are shitty, Like physically, mentally, emotionally tolling. And she knows how bad they are, and you’d think that she could assume that certain things are triggering. And it’s not the first time this happens either, it always happened when she talked shit about my dad when I was a kid. And the way she even talked about him. I get it if she wants to be angry at him, but she doesn’t get to be mad at him on my behalf. If I don’t want to be angry at him, she doesn’t get to decide that I should be!” Tadashi’s on a full on rant. He doesn’t think Ren could stop him if he tried.

“And another thing! The way she talks about Miya is seriously screwed up. I get it, she can hate her for no reason if she wants. Like, if Tsukki broke up with me and started dating some chick, I’d probably hate her too. But, she doesn’t get to be mean to her in front of me! Like, if I want to like her, I’m allowed to like her!” Tadashi’s sort of out of breath. He deflates a little.

“I dunno. It’s like, I’ve taken my mom’s side a lot. In court when I was a kid, I decided to stay with her for the longest. I let her influence a lot of my decisions, how I saw my Dad, how I saw my family. But, I think she’s been wrong about a lot. And I can’t help but imagine being a parent one day. I’d never try and force my own biases on a kid. It’s wrong.”

Ren opens his mouth to speak, and Tadashi’s ready to be scolded. Instead what comes out is, “You’re absolutely right. Your mother shouldn’t have done that to you. But does that make her evil? Does that take away from how she’s taken care of you, loved you for all your life?”

“...No.” Tadashi sighs. “It’s hard to sympathize with her sometimes. But she’s still my mom.”

“I have a proposition. You might hate it, and that’s okay, just hear me out.” This scares Tadashi a little. “How would you feel about your mother joining us for a session. It might be easier to open up in front of a mediator, and you can share your feelings in a setting where she’s more likely to listen.”

“...That’s actually not an awful idea. I mean, it’d be awkward a little. But, I think it’d be okay.”

“How about not next week, but the week after, you bring her in with you?”

“I’ll ask her, and let you know, I guess.” He can’t really believe he’s okay with this. But, his mom is a lot more likely to listen, if she has to in this kind of situation.

“I’m proud of you Tadashi. This requires a lot of bravery. You’re making incredible progress and growth.” 

“I’m trying my best.” Tadashi says, sincerely.

…

“Yamaguchi! Nice serve!” One of the first years, Hansuke, calls out to him, after he knocks out the water bottle placed in a tricky spot before practice.

“Thanks!” Yamaguchi sends him a grin.

“You have to teach me how to do that! Mine are always too short!” Hansuke walks up to him.

“Work on your blocking first. When you can use your height, your only asset, to your advantage,  _ then _ you can worry about other skills.” Tsukishima says from next to Tadashi.

“Oh...right.” Hansuke laughs nervously.

“I’ll help you after we do some receiving drills, Hansuke. It’s always good to improve on _ all  _ aspects of your game.” Tadashi assures him, glaring at Tsukishima.

“Thank you, captain!” Hansuke grins as he walks away.

Tsukishima rolls his eyes. “You’re too nice to him.”

“You’re not nice to the underclassmen  _ at all _ . That’s why they’re scared of you.” Tadashi pokes him in the ribs, and Tsukishima scowls.

“Whatever. I think he likes you.”

“That’s the point of being captain, Tsukki. They’re all supposed to like me.” Tadashi takes a drink of water.

Tsukishima nudges Tadashi’s foot with his own.. “He likes you _ too  _ much. He stares at you when we do stretches.”

“He does not!” Tadashi smacks Tsukki’s arm. “You’re paranoid.”

“I caught him looking at your ass, I swear. If he does it again, I’ll call him out in front of everyone,” Tsukki crosses his arms. “Little perv.”

“Tsukishima! Stop it! Leave the poor kids alone. It was probably an accident. He was probably zoned out or something.” Tadashi blushes. 

“Yeah, sure. He just  _ happened _ to zone out staring at it. I’m standing behind you whenever you stretch from now on. If he keeps looking at you, I’ll kick him.” Tsukishima’s pouting in his own, salty way.

“Tsukishima. I can make you go run laps with the first years, you know. You don’t have to be nice, but you can’t threaten them with public embarrassment or violence.” Tadashi raises an eyebrow at his boyfriend. 

“You could try to make me go run. Can’t promise it would happen.” Tadashi raises his eyebrow even higher. “Okay, fine. What are we waiting for anyways? You and coach should have started practice like ten minutes ago.” The team is mostly just warming up, Hinata and Kageyama are stretching together, second years are practicing blocks, first years are still running their laps.

“We’re waiting for some guests to help with practice. Our libero this year’s alright, but nowhere near where he should be to keep up with how good our offense is getting. And we could all work on our receives. And then, we want more powerful hits from the back, too, we should be getting points from all parts of the court, not just the front where you, Hinata, and Kageyama, stay. So, Coach called-”

“NISHINOYA!” Hinata’s voice yells out from by the gym door. He’s running and jumping into a hug. Next to one another, they look normal sized. 

Kageyama’s the one to notice the taller, bearded figure behind him. “Oh, uh, Asahi?”

“Hi, guys,” Asahi gives them a grin.

“Wow, it’s been so long. You look so different!” Tadashi gives Asahi a hug.

“You do too, Tadashi. You’ve really grown up these past two years, huh?” Asahi gives him a once over.

“Good to see you, Asahi.” Tsukishima says from behind Tadashi.

“You too, Tsukishima. Geez, I didn’t know you could get any taller than you already were, but good on proving me wrong.”

Tsukishima just smirks to himself.

“We should hang out after practice!” Nishinoya says excitedly. He looks around. “Man, I never thought I’d be doing receives in here ever again.”

“Yeah, me neither,” Asahi also takes in the old gym, the way everything looks the same, but different, as an outsider, Tadashi imagines. “But, anything for you guys.”

“YACHI!!!” Nishinoya’s voice is so loud there’s an echo, as Yachi walks into the gym, scaring her so much her clipboard goes flying.

“Oh, Noya!” She extends her arms as he goes barreling in at her for a hug. “Why are you here?!” She smiles at him kindly. 

“I’m here to beat up all the first years, cuz I keep hearing gossip about them, harassing you for your number!” He shouts this into the gym, so that all the team can hear. He’s not exactly subtle.

“We’re here to help with practice,” Asahi assures a panicked Yachi. “Hi, Yachi. Hope you haven’t lost it yet, with all the crazy boys you have to take care of.”

“Well, I was doing fine, but adding Noya to the mix might be the catalyst for my losing it,” She giggles when Nishinoya lets out an offended noise. 

Ukai finally calls the team together, and starts dividing them into groups. Half goes to work on recieves with Noya, and the other half works on their back row attacks and power with Asahi. Then they switch. At the end of practice, they make the underclassmen play against their upperclassmen and the alumnis, who beat them pretty badly. It makes Tadashi proud, glistening with sweat as he picks up his stuff and gets ready to leave after practice.

Tsukishima and Yachi are waiting for him when he finally shuts the door to the gym. “They all went to Shimada mart to go get drinks and stuff. C’mon, they’re waiting.” He tells Tadashi.

“It was so weird to see Asahi. I haven’t kept in touch with him, and last I heard, he was studying far away,” Yachi stumbles a little, struggling to keep up with Tsukishima, whose legs are probably a foot longer than hers.

“It was nice of him to come by. I bet Noya convinced him. He’d been telling me it’d be a good idea to have Asahi and him help for a day. He was right, the team is really being led by the third years right now, and they’re positioned closest to the net. We need stronger attacks and defense on all parts of the court.”

“Tadashi, practice is over. Leave the captain thing at the gym,” Tsukishima says, rolling his eyes.

Tadashi just sticks his tongue out at him.

“Noya’s so embarrassing, though. He didn’t need to interrogate every first year and ask them about their intentions with me. I’m not dating them all!” Yachi says, laughing a little, blushing a lot.

“When Kiyoko left last year, he switched all his energy from freaking out over her to protecting you from guys who might freak out over you. He needs something to do with all that energy he has bottled up in such a short container, Yachi, don’t take it personally. He’s like a carbonated drink that's been shaken up, constantly on the brink of explosion,” Tsukishima tells Yachi, matter-of-factly, and she laughs.

“Hey, don’t be mean. Noya is trying his best to be nice. He just comes on strongly sometimes.” Tadashi scolds Tsukishima.

“You keep chastising me today for not even  _ doing _ anything.” Tsukishima whines like a child with his deep voice. “I haven’t said one thing that isn’t true all day. I’m gonna kick that first year tomorrow, just to spite you.”

“Which first year?” Yachi says, gaining a glare from Tadashi.

“He’s mean to Hansuke for no reason, all the time.” Tadashi sighs. “He’s such a sweet guy, too. Kind of reminds me of Asahi.”

“Oh, the one that has a crush on you?” Yachi asks, gaining a look of incredulousness from Tadashi.

“What?!” They’re getting close to Shimada Mart now, their friends are visible, sitting on the curb in front of the shop,

“ _ See _ ?  _ Thank you _ , Yachi, I’m convinced he’s blind.” Tsukishima snarks.

“Oh my god, he doesn’t have a crush, I’m just a good upperclassman and captain.” Tadashi says, as they arrive next to their friends.

“Who doesn’t have a crush on who?” Noya says as a greeting, holding out a can of what looks like beer to Tadashi.

“Nobody. Why are you guys  _ drinking _ ? It’s a school night.” Tadashi waves him off.

“Hey, don’t kill the mood. Kageyama already refuses to drink or let Hinata drink. We’re lucky Asahi is here, and we’re celebrating.” Nishinoya pushes the can into Tadashi’s hands. “ _ Who has a crush on who _ ?”

“We can celebrate with fizzy water just fine, Noya.” Tadashi says, handing the can off to Tsukki.

“Hansuke, that cute first year! He has a crush on Yamaguchi!” Yachi pipes up, answering Noya’s question, sitting next to Hinata on the curb.

“Oh. I thought we all knew that already. Why’s it a big deal?” Kageyama says from Hinata’s other side.

“Because he’s being a little perv and I’m gonna kick him.” Tsukishima says, crossing his arms.

“Not if he has to play on Friday, Tsukishima!” Kageyama barks. 

“He’s a sweet guy, and he’s not getting kicked! And he doesn’t have a crush!” Tadashi’s getting exasperated.

“Is he the tall one? Blonde? With glasses?” Asahi asks, and starts laughing a little to himself as everyone nods around him. “He’s your type, wouldn’t you say, Yamaguchi?”

“Oh, God.” Tadashi groans.

“He’s like a nice version of Tsukishima!” Hinata calls out.

“Hinata, I’d kick you, too, but I’m afraid you’re so small, we might never see you again.” Tsukishima glares at him.

“Wah,” says Hinata, sticking his tongue out. “You could try it.”

Tsukishima has his foot already drawn back before Tadashi pulls him away from Hinata. 

“Hansuke is just a nice person. You guys are wack.” Tadashi defends him again. “He likes me like an underclassman likes their upperclassman. Nothing else.”

“No, Yamaguchi. You know I wouldn’t tease you for nothing, but he stares at you a lot. The other day, he asked me if you had a girlfriend,” Yachi says seriously. “I told him no, but he left before I could explain about Tsukishima.” She gives Kei an apologetic look.

“Hey, speaking of girlfriends, I have top notch gossip on the life of one Tanaka Ryuunosuke that I’ll give to the highest bidder.” Noya must have gotten bored of the first year crush conversation, which still has Tadashi feeling confused.

“Alright,” Asahi says after a minute. “I’ll buy you a beer. What’s the news with Tanaka?”

“Involves a member of your class. The pretty one.” Noya hints.

“Sugawara? I talked to him last week, he didn’t say anything about Tanaka.”

“No! The beautiful, goddess, powerfully feminine member of your class.” Noya corrects. “And I’m not supposed to say what  _ exactly _ is going on between the two, but if you guess, I’ll say yes or no.”

“Kiyoko finally got a restraining order?” Tsukishima snarks. Tadashi elbows him. “ _ What _ , it’s a valid guess!”

“ _ Mean _ , Tsukishima. And no, that’s not it.” Noya says. “It starts with a d and ends with -ating.”

Hinata scrunches his eyebrows together, deep in thought. “Duh….Duh… Dilating!.?”

“No,  _ dumbass _ , they’re dating.” Kageyama rolls his eyes, but his tone is soft and he offers Hinata the bottle of gatorade he’d been drinking.

“Oh, wow!” Yachi squeals. “Good for Tanaka! He must be over the moon.”

“Yeah, he is! Very excited. And, if I had to lose the world’s greatest beauty to any man, I’m glad it’s my bro.” Nishinoya smiles lopsidedly. “It seems like everyone’s growing up.”

Tadashi doesn’t forget the way Nishinoya had talked about his life all those weeks ago, feeling directionless and scared. He can’t help but worry for his friend a little. Nishinoya deserves the world, Tadashi can only hope he doesn’t feel alone.

“Very true,” Asahi chimes in. “You don’t peak in high school, but, it  _ is _ the last time you get to be a kid all the time.”

Tadashi rarely feels like a kid anymore. There’s always something, some big decision ro be made. He forgets how much days like today, moments like these, matter. But they’re always over too soon.

“Everything seems like it’s going to get better once we get to leave, though.I’m kind of tired of not feeling in control of everything, of not having choices. I’m ready to be independent. And leave this town.”Tsukishima mumbles from next to Tadashi.

“You aren’t scared?” Asahi asks, surprised. “I was terrified.”

“ _ I’m _ terrified.” Yachi says, glancing at Tsukishima with wide eyes. “I liked high school. This was our movie time, don’t you think? That, if someone was going to make a movie about your life, wouldn’t it be about us, and volleyball, and friendship, studying, victory, even love?” She looks from Tsukki and Tadashi, standing shoulder to shoulder, and Kageyama and Hinata, sitting side by side.

Tadashi thinks she’s right. “We still have half a year. We’re about to be at the climax of the film, soon.”

“I think there’s still plenty of time later in life for a movie type of life too. Getting married, having kids, having a career, all these things I’m still looking forward to.” Asahi tells the two of them.

“Worry about getting a date first, Asahi,” Noya teases.

Asahi reddens. “I date! I’m focused on school right now, anyways!” There’s a laugh at that.

“It’s okay to make fun because it’s not like you’re ugly. Girls will come up to him at parties and flirt and he just freaks out!” Nishinoya says through his laughter. Everyone joins in. It’s very much like the Asahi they all knew from first year. 

“Let’s not worry too much about the future,” Hinata says after a pause. “We’re still kids right! I still have a lot of improving to do and growing ability wise before I can be considered an adult.”

“A lot of growing height-wise too.” Tsukishima mumbles under his breath. Tadashi stifles a giggle and elbows him.

Kageyama stands up first, “Yeah, well, with being kids still, we have an early practice in the morning. And Hinata hasn’t done his homework. We have to go.”

Tadashi checks his phone. It’s 8:42, and he has a lot to do. It’s sorry, but he really does have to go. Judging by the expressions on everyone else’s face, they all feel the same. So just like that, it’s over. He’s walking home, next to Tsukishima, like every other day, ever. 

“I wish we were old.” Tadashi tells him, grabbing his hand from where it swings next to him as they walk. Holding hands has never been Tsukki’s thing really, but Tadashi likes it.

“Why? Gross.”

“Not old old. Just old enough.” Tadashi hums to the song Tsukki’s playing in the earbuds they share.

“Old enough for what?”

“Do you really want to know what Yamaguchi Tadashi fantasizes about at midnight when he can’t sleep?” 

“Yes. Tell me.” Tsukki looks down at him as they walk.

“I want an apartment, with plants everywhere, and a big, comfy, bed and a pet turtle.”

“Woah. I thought you might fantasize about me, not a building, but interesting.”

“You would obviously be living with me. And we would have a really nice bathroom, with those bathtubs that have jets like jacuzzis.” Tadashi sighs thinking about it.

“In your wildest fantasy, we live in an apartment and have a fancy bathtub and plants? That’s the best you could do?”

“Maybe it’s a prophetic vision, then.” He smiles.

“Prophesize a mansion, then. And a dog. Endless money. A private helicopter, a beach to go scuba diving. My own museum.” 

“Mmm, too hard. Would you settle for a house, a lizard, a decent car, and a fish tank? Maybe a membership to the local museum?” Tadashi swings their hands.

“Hmmmm. I’d have to think about it. Would you be there?”

“I’d hope so.”

“Then, duh.”

Tadashi beams. They keep walking in comfortable silence for a minute. Then Tsukishima, “This is a weird question. And, it’s probably too early and stuff. You can ignore it if you’re uncomfortable. But,”

“Just spit it out, Tsukki. I promise you couldn’t say anything to me that I would care about.”

“Kids? Have you ever thought about them?”

“...Yeah. But, it’s early. I dunno yet. But, ever since I was little, I always wanted to be a parent. I just don’t know anymore. Like, it’s so easy to screw kids up. I wouldn’t want to do that.” It’s a complicated issue for Tadashi, and not a conversation he’d thought he’d have at seventeen. At the same time, it’s really sweet. Tsukishima wants a future with him. That’s so much.

“Yeah, I guess. It’s still early. I dunno, we were just talking about how we see ourselves in the future, and…”He trails off.

“Do you fantasize about being a family?” Tadashi beams.

“I didn’t say that.” 

“You totally do. Awwww,  _ baby _ , that’s too sweet.”

Tsukishima looks horrified as they near his house. “Don’t call me that. Weird. My mom calls me that.” He even shudders, which Tadashi thinks is an overreaction.

“Shhhh, let me have this moment. You’re a romantic, at least on the inside. You just hide it.”

“Tadashi, please. Forget I said anything. I’ll bring this up in ten years.” Tsukishima groans.

“You mean after you propose by changing the English language?” 

“Sure, after that.”

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluffy, short fillerish chapter. I keep seeing tiktoks about haikyuu and stuff, and it makes me want more weeb friends because my friends are all very normal. Idk how to talk to ppl tho lol. Anyways, Thanks for all the kudos and comments, all of you are very appreciated!


	6. Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Every couple fights. It’s only natural.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: quick mention of r*pe but no descriptions or occurrence of it. Just mentions of it.

Tadashi’s being a brat and he knows it. But he wants to fight, or argue, whichever. Tsukishima  _ never _ fights him. No matter whether or not Tadashi wants to. He always acts like they’re above it, and Tadashi knows it probably has a world to do with Tsukki feeling like he’s protecting Tadashi, knowing how his parents were. But that’s always the damn problem too. He always has to protect him, without even knowing if Tadashi wants that in the first place. 

Today, it’d gone down like this. They were at Tsukki’s house, nobody else was home, and they were finished with everything for school already. And so, Tadashi wanted to make out with his fucking boyfriend. And his fucking boyfriend wanted to make out too, at least until Yamaguchi had tried to take things a step further, and had plopped himself in Tsukki’s lap and pulled his shirt off. 

And then, all of a sudden, it was too much, and they shouldn’t, and he’d been pushed off and away. And it would have been fine, if they hadn’t been in this exact position six times before in the past few weeks. And it makes Tadashi feel self conscious, and rejected, and hurt, and he wants to talk about it. Aggressively.

“Why won’t you do it with me anymore?” He asked, sitting shirtless, hugging his arms to his chest. “Did I do something? You’re, you’re making me feel like I’m not attractive to you anymore.”

“Yamguchi, you’re being stupid.” That definitely wasn’t the right thing to say.

“I’m being  _ stupid _ ?” His eyes widen and his eyebrows knit together. “You’re being a  _ dick _ . You’re sitting there, and I know you’re hard, and you won’t tell me why you don’t want to have sex anymore.”

“Why can’t I just not want to?” Tsukishima’s jaw is clenched, like he’s holding back.

“Why can’t you tell me the truth and not some load of bullshit? It’s suspicious how you said you believed me when I told you that last time was a fluke and it wouldn’t happen again, but now you won’t even touch me.”

“I believe that you believe that it won’t happen again.” Tsukishima crosses his arms.

“So now, you think you know me better than I do myself. I told you already, it’s never happened before and it won’t again, but you don’t  _ trust  _ me. That’s the problem.”

Tsukishima scoffs. “You’re being unreasonable. You could have another panic attack and leave us in an even worse position than before. You could get  _ hurt _ .”

“I told you, I’m not gonna. I can control myself better. You always have to try and control me. You think that you’re protecting me, but I never asked you to do that. You just like to feel like you have everything under your own control.”

“I’m not trying to  _ control you _ just because I don’t want to fuck you. You’re twisting everything I do to make me seem like I’m worse than I am.” Tsukishima doesn’t even seem angry, just bored, and it’s pissing Tadashi off.

“You’re not giving me a real reason still. You’re making me seem crazy for pointing out that you used to want to have sex with me, I had a panic attack once, something I can’t even control, and now you won’t anymore. You’re acting like there’s no way these things are connected.” Tadashi’s getting more and more upset. He thinks he’s being fair.

“I said they’re connected. I don’t want to do it until you’re doing better.”

“I AM doing better. Don’t you listen to me? I’ve been telling you that therapy is helping, how I’ve almost had some and then been able to control them? I’m in control.”

“Obviously not,” Tsukki says darkly.

“What’s  _ that _ supposed to mean? You don’t trust me when I tell you that I’m okay, you’re not trusting me to be honest to you.”

“It means that here we are, having a big ass argument, over nothing, but you’re throwing a tantrum because you want dick-”

“Oh, fuck that, Kei,” Tadashi cuts him off.

“-No other reason, Yamaguchi. You’re not even taking me into consideration.” 

“I’d take you into consideration if you talked to me and didn’t shut me out, just because something’s hard to talk about.” He takes the hairband on his wrist and ties his hair up.

“You never thought that maybe I fucking hated seeing you like that? That I hated thinking I did something wrong? That I hurt you? One second you were okay, the next I had to think about calling the police out of fear that I’d hurt you so badly that you were choking. You’re not thinking that maybe, I’m protecting you to protect me too.”

Tadashi’s all too ready to say something harsh back, but the second he opens 

his mouth to respond, he snaps it back shut. They’re better than that. He tries to actually think of what Tsukki’s saying, and it leaves him feeling ashamed. It makes sense, really, and Tadashi had been selfish. It was probably just as bad an experience of Tsukki as it was for Tadashi.

“...I’m sorry. You’re right.” He’s trying. “I was thinking that you were just doing it for my sake, and it wasn’t something I’d asked for. But, if you don’t want to, because you don’t want to, then I don’t care. I don’t need it. I just want to be with you.” Tadashi puts his shirt on.

“It’s okay, Dashi.” Tsukishima seems tired. “I should have told you. We should have had this be a talk weeks ago, instead of a fight today.” He sits back and relaxes his posture on the bed.

“Will you hold me? It’s okay if you say no, you have reason to be angry, I guess.” Tadashi sniffles.

“I’m not angry at you, Dashi. C’mere.”

Tadashi gets into his favorite position, arm thrown across Tsukishima’s chest, leg over his legs, head on his shoulder, being held tightly by Tsukki. 

“I keep ruining everything. It’s all my fault,” Tadashi says quietly into Tsukki’s shirt.

“No, baby. It’s not.” But Tadashi knows it is. Tsukishima only calls him baby when he’s being pitiful or cute, and he’s definitely not being cute right now.

“I feel shitty. I don’t like fighting.”

“Let’s avoid it.” Tadashi nods. There’s a lull in the conversation, a minute that feels a little awkward, but comfortable.

“I should talk to Ren about this, huh? Maybe he can help fix it.” Tadashi doesn’t sound excited at the thought.

“I dunno. If you want to.”

“Are you okay with that? Do you care how much I tell him about us?”

Tsukishima pales. “Maybe not the um, explicit, details. But whatever you feel like you need to is okay.”

Tadashi nods.

…

  
  


Tadashi doesn’t know how he’s gonna get through this. Sex is okay. Sex is normal, he has to remind himself. He knows this. He’s sure his therapist has guessed that he has had sex. But, he doesn’t want to  _ talk _ about it. What the hell. 

“Tadashi?” Ren looks concerned. “Did you hear me? I asked about the attack you had at your boyfriend’s house.”

“Yeah, I’m. Thinking.” This man is like, fourty, and Tadashi’s about to talk to him about sex. It’s not that he doesn’t trust Ren. At this point, he trusts Ren more than his own mother. But sex is uncomfortable to talk about, even to the person he does it with. So to talk about it with this dude is gonna be agonizing.

What Tadashi decides he needs to do is take the real story, and censor it down enough that he barely makes it sound explicit in any form. But how does he take, “I had a panic attack while literally on my boyfriend’s dick,” and turn it into anything that can sound casual in any way. 

“I’m getting the sense that it’s an uncomfortable subject, Tadashi. Am I wrong to assume it may be sort of sexual?”

Tadashi groans, hides his face behind his hands, and nods.

“Okay, that’s alright if it’s too much to talk about. You can tell me as much as you’re comfortable with. I have to remind you, though, that if you tell me a person is harming you, physically, I am legally required to report the action.”

“Oh, God, I wasn’t  _ raped _ . No! Okay, I can tell you about it. Just. It’s weird.”

He takes a breath. “We were just... in the middle of doing it. And I got an attack. And he freaked the fuck out. So much.”

“Was it your first time?”

“No. Which is why it was weird that it happened at all.”

“Well, what do you think could have triggered it?” Ren’s reaction is calming Tadashi down. He doesn’t seem weirded out, and talking about this feels sort of medical or scientific. Like it’s just facts they’re discussing.

“Um. I don’t know. It wasn’t anything different than we’ve done before either.”

“Were you comfortable as you started? Did the anxiety build or did it just happen suddenly?”

“I was fine. Like, you know, enjoying it. And then, I was freaking out, and I started yelling at him to get off of me, and I dashed to put clothes on, and I sat on the floor, and he kept apologizing and asking me what he did, and I was crying, and he grabbed his phone and almost called an ambulance or the police or something, because I didn’t have my inhaler and I couldn’t breathe.”

“Can you think of anything, an action or a phrase that could have acted as a trigger? At all?”

Tadashi couldn’t remember. In the moment, all it’d been was feeling  _ good _ , hearing Tsukki’s voice in his ear, and the soft kisses he’d given Tadashi every few minutes. Like normal. “It just felt normal. I don’t remember exactly what he’d said or done before I had it.”

“I’m just going to ask this, but tell me if I’m off, okay? Are you sure every single thing the two of you did was consensual?”

“ _ Yes _ . We’ve talked about these things before, me and him. And like, it’s awkward, but we know each other's boundaries and stuff. He’d never do anything to hurt me.” Tadashi’s trying, he really is. 

“Can you try to put yourself back in the moment? It’s probably awkward, I know, but if you want to talk about this today, it may be necessary. I promise I won’t pry too much.”

Tadashi nods, blushing. It really had seemed very normal. He remembers just repeating Kei’s name, and maybe a string of cuss words. It’d all felt so normal. Good. Then, not good. It was weird to suddenly have his stomach seize and contract, and his body felt disgusting, not his own, as he’d struggled to catch his breath. It had felt nasty, and he’d wanted to throw up. On top of that, he’d had to endure it quietly for several minutes. Tadashi supposed that sex noises and panic attack noises were kind of similar, and Tsukishima hadn’t been able to see his face, and his mind had been racing, telling him to just let it happen, that Tsukishima was enjoying himself, stopping him from saying anything until it became unbearable, and he’d found his voice, started crying and yelling. 

“It was bad, but I just kept lying there, because I didn’t want to scare him or make him stop. He kept telling me how good I was, how much he loves me, and I didn’t want him to stop.” Tadashi hugs his knees to his chest, toes sticking out over the edge of the couch.

“Don’t you think that this might have been the trigger for a full scale panic attack? That you became uncomfortable, and then decided to sacrifice your comfort for his?”

Tadashi thinks back. He’s right, maybe it wasn’t a full blown panic attack right at the start. Maybe, when he thinks about it, he’s hated that position this whole time. He’s hated not being able to see, he’s hated feeling sort of lonely. Even if he trusts and loves Tsukki more than anything. He’s hated it. 

“I think so. I think I get it now. I was just focused on him, but I was putting myself in a situation I didn’t want to be in. And my body reacted.”

“Right. Sex is an incredibly vulnerable, emotional state. It’s very possible that what he was saying to you, or how he was feeling, was making you want to stay, while your body and mind were telling you that you had to go. So, you pushed yourself to stay, and your mind went into override mode, and triggered a panic attack.” Ren’s voice is always so empathetic, it makes Tadashi want to cry sometimes, for no reason. He doesn’t, though.

“Oh.”

“I have a strategy for this problem that I sometimes give to married couples during counseling. I think it could apply here.” Ren grabs his notebook and flips open to a new page.

“Okay.”

Ren makes a T chart on the paper, then labels one column, ‘assertive’ and the other ‘complicit.’ 

“You can do this for any of your situations, but I think it applies here well. Assertiveness doesn’t necessarily mean that you have the power in a situation, or that you control everything. It’s a state of being, where you feel in control of yourself, your emotions, your actions. Complicitness is any situation where you don't feel in total control, for some people it’s most often anger issues, drugs or drinking, depression. For you, I’d say it’s anxiety.”

Tadashi nods along. This part of therapy always feels good. Tadashi calls it, ‘the Fixing part’ in his mind. Where he learns to understand how to change what’s wrong.

“During sex, and nobody needs to see this but you and maybe your partner if you want to show them, you can switch from being assertive to complicit easily. It’s a vulnerable state. So, not only do you have to have the self confidence and love to speak up about how you feel as it happens, you should know beforehand what state each action might put you in. So I recommend you make a list, divide it up into these two columns. And I challenge you to really think. Sometimes with sex, it’s hard to push past the initial attraction and pleasure, so the question isn’t are you interested in this action, it’s are my body and mind comfortable and able to participate in the action?” 

“So this is like my homework?” Tadashi asks, halfways kidding.

“Well, I’d recommend doing this before you attempt to have sex again. Again, sex is a vulnerable state. If you get hurt, if you feel violated, if something goes terribly wrong, you’re looking at an immense amount of trauma that victims must deal with for the rest of their lives. Wouldn’t you try your best to avoid that, for both you and your boyfriend?” Ren flips his notebook back to the old page.

“Yeah. I guess. Definitely.”

…

  
  


“Hey man, what the fuck is your problem?” The tone of Tsukishima’s voice is deadly, and it makes Tadashi snap up from where he’s been stretching down at practice.

“Wha-What?” It’s that first year again, Hansuke, and Tsukishima is in his space, too close.

“The fuck do you keep looking at?” Tsukishima’s incredibly threatening when he wants to be.

“Hey, what’s going on?” Tadashi calls out to the two of them, concerned.

“Don’t worry about it, Tadashi.” Tsukishima shrugs him off, glaring at Hansuke, who looks scared to death.

“No, I’ll worry about it. Come outside with me.” Tadashi grabs his hand and pulls, but Tsukishima doesn’t budge. 

“You still haven’t answered. Why’d you keep staring at your captain like that?” Tsukishima ignores Tadashi and asks Hansuke again.

“I’m, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, I wasn’t paying attention.” He looks so panicked, and Tadashi instantly feels awful. He knows what that type of anxiety feels like, that ambush of fear and discomfort.

“We’re going outside, Tsukki. Now.”

“Pay more attention, then.” He’s still not paying attention to Tadashi. “Or ask him out and see how it goes for you. But stop just fucking looking at him like a thirsty bitch.” He still won’t budge.

“Tsukishima Kei! Get  _ the fuck _ outside! Now!” Tadashi finally yells, and if the entire gym hadn’t been staring before, they are now, as Tsukishima gives Hansuke one final glare, and steps outside of the gym.

“Go get water, then tell Kageyama to lead warmups. We can talk about it after practice.” Tadashi tells Hansuke in his most captainy voice, before joining Tsukishima outside.

“What the hell is wrong with you?!” Tadashi erupts the second the door closes behind him. “What do you get off on giving the first years heart attacks?”

“He was being fucking gross. And Kageyama heard him talking about you in the locker room earlier. Like being disgusting. He deserved to get called out.” Tsukishima crossed his arms.

“I don’t care  _ what _ he did, you don’t get to embarrass him in front of everyone and make him freak out. You don’t get to try and make him feel like shit in front of the team. You don’t get to have this weird power trip over him because you’re older.” Tadashi’s getting exasperated.

“I get to scare off creeps, Tadashi. That’s part of the deal, with us dating. I’m not gonna sit around and watch him sexualize you.” 

“He’s not a creep! He’s a 14 year old boy with a crush!” Tadashi throws his hands up in the air. “He’s me three years ago, Kei! If someone had done what you just did to that kid, to me when I was a first year, and in constant fucking pain over this crush I had on you, I would have stopped playing volleyball. I would have given up on a lot of shit.”

“He’s not you. You wouldn’t do what he’s done. You didn’t make people fucking uncomfortable.” 

“Leave him alone. He’s an awkward teenage boy, not some fucking creep you’re making him out to be. You can’t project this label onto people every time they like me. You can’t just let your possessiveness ruin your ability to work with people. To be on the team.”

Tsukishima is quiet for a minute. “Okay… I’ll be nicer to him. But, he has to stop, too. It’s driving me fucking crazy.” 

“You could have just told him we’re dating, I don’t think he knows.” Tadashi’s still annoyed. “I’ve been your best friend for almost ten years. I’ve been in love with you for at least five of those. You don’t think it was annoying, painful even, when girls would come up to me just to ask about you? Just to see if you were single? To ask what was your ideal type? They still do sometimes. So fuck off, I get it okay? But you can’t just treat people like that.”

“I know. I’m working on not getting so angry, okay? He just pissed me off.”

Tadashi sighs. “I’m going back inside. I have to talk to Hansuke after practice, too, if you don’t want to wait for me before you go home that’s okay.”

“I’ll wait.”

…

  
  


“I’m sorry about earlier. Tsukishima is protective, and probably a little too possesive. He’s sorry too, but he won’t tell you that.” Tadashi tells Hansuke as they take down the volleyball nets together.

“It’s alright. Um, I’m sorry too, by the way, I really didn’t mean any harm. It’s just, you know, a stupid crush.” He’s blushing, not looking at Tadashi.

“It’s alright. Really, I know what it’s like. And I’m flattered. We don’t have to talk about it. I’ll forget it.” Tadashi promises him.

“Please. So, you and Tsukishima are… together?” 

“Yeah. Two years now. And Hinata and Kageyama, too, if you didn’t know. None of us are super public about it. But I guess the team should know. We all just kind of assumed everyone could tell.” Tadashi starts picking up the last few stray balls.

“Yeah, well maybe it’s just because we’re new here, but like, none of the first years knew. Well, I could tell Tsukishima didn’t like me, but I didn’t know why.”

“I really am sorry about him. And I know he probably feels bad now too. He’s not usually so mean.” That’s not entirely true. “Well, he’s not usually very outwardly rude.” Not that either. “I mean, it’s usually just his sense of humor, and not mean spirited.”

“Right.” Hansuke says, grabbing his bag from the bleachers. “So we can forget anything ever happened?”

“Yeah. Just, if you have something to say, maybe do it out of earshot of any third years, especially Tsukishima.” Tadashi offers him a handshake.

“Right,” Hansuke says again, taking Tadashi’s hand. “Thank you, Yamaguchi. You’re really kind.”

“Of course, Hansuke. Anytime you need anything.”

He nods, then he’s out the door and Tadashi can turn off the lights and finally leave himself.

Tsukishima’s waiting for him outside. They walk silently, side by side for a few minutes, before Tadashi says, “I’m still mad at you.”

“I know.” Tsukishima stuffs his hands into his pockets.

“But, I get it. I get why you got mad. I get jealous of you all the time. I hate feeling like someone else has any claim to you. So I get it. But I’m still frustrated that you don’t know how to deal with that emotion on your own. That you had to take it out on a poor kid with a crush.”

“It wasn’t just that. He’s not all  _ innocent and naive _ . Kageyama told me he said some shit, Tadashi, about you, your body, to his little friends. I’m not gonna stand around for that.” His voice conveys his irritation even if his face doesn’t.

“You don’t have to protect me or my honor or whatever you think you are. It’s fine. And don’t tell me that you weren’t fourteen at one point, and you never told your friends anything sexual or stupid like that. If I ever need to,  _ I’ll _ correct him. You don’t get to control how people interact with me.”

“I wasn’t trying to. The whole point is he did everything behind your back. I’m not angry at him for having a crush or whatever. I’m angry he was a dick about it. I’m angry he looked at you like, like an object.” Tsukishima stammers on the last words.

Tadashi sighs. “Well, I don’t think he will anymore, after today. I’d be surprised if he looks at me at all.” Tadashi takes a few steps in silence before saying, “Okay. I get it. It would have made me uncomfortable if I had seen him, and it probably would have made me mad if I was in your shoes too. But I still think you could have just talked to him. Alone.”

“I know that. I won’t do anything like it again, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Are you still mad?”

“Not really.”

“Can I hold your hand?”

Tadashi smiles a little. Tsukishima doesn’t even care for holding hands. He’s said it’s the least valuable way of showing affection. He must just want to know if he’s truly forgiven or not. He is.

Tadashi doesn’t answer him, just slips his slightly smaller hand into Tsukki’s bigger one. 

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided not to wait till Tuesday since I already had this chapter written. Next Update will be Tuesday though! Thanks for kudos and especially comments. I love reading them so much! You guys make me so happy and motivated to write!


	7. Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mothers should know their children.

Tadashi doesn’t think he’s been this tense sitting on the brown leather couch in Ren’s office since the very first visit this year. His stomach is churning a little, and he’s sitting so stiffly, his neck is starting to hurt. His mom looks equally uncomfortable sitting next to him.

Her perfume is making Tadashi want to barf for some reason. It smells like it’s trying very hard to be vanilla but it’s too sugary and Tadashi can feel in the back of his throat. She’s too close.

In the weeks since their argument, it’s not like it’s been total radio silence between the two of them, but it hasn’t been comfortable. It’s been strange, that for the first time since the divorce, his mom’s house feels less like home than his dad’s. He misses her.

“Thank you for coming by today, I know Tadashi and I appreciate you being here to talk.” Ren addresses Tadashi’s mom, first. Tadashi doesn’t mind that Ren’s speaking for him, he actually kind of appreciates it. He’s not really sure how to start this anyways.

“So, in the past few months, Tadashi and I have been working on dealing with some of the root causes of the anxiety he’s experiencing. One way of doing that, is through conversations about possible triggers, and why those triggers exist. For him, it’s been a lot of looking at his childhood, and how it might have affected him then, and how it still affects him today.” Ren’s still not really addressing Tadashi. “We just want to open up the communication between you two, today.”

“Sounds good.” Tadashi’s mom smiles at Ren, and her voice is tight and businesslike, and fake. Like it’s some sort of meeting instead of therapy. It’s pissing Tadashi off.

“Alright then. So as you know, the majority of the panic attacks have happened at home. I wanted to give Tadashi the chance to tell you why some of those have been happening, and to specifically talk to you about how you can help him prevent them. Tadashi?”

Tadashi knows that it’s his turn now, but his voice doesn’t want to come out for a solid fifteen seconds. He feels bad for this now, he’s not mad at her anymore, he just feels guilty. He’s supposed to sit next to her and tell her the things she did wrong as a parent. He knows what it feels like to have all your flaws thrown in your face. 

“Um. It’s like...um, well, when we talk about Dad and my family and stuff, it’s really hard for me when you tell me that they don’t like me and that they don’t want me.” Tadashi manages to get out that much, and he’s proud of himself for it. Ren gives him an encouraging nod. Tadashi feels a surge of appreciation for him in his heart, and it makes it a little easier to relax some. 

“I know, Tadashi. I’m working on controlling my emotions concerning your father around you. I understand you have a hard time seeing things the way I do.” His mom is so stiff, and Tadashi gets it, he really does, it can be awkward to talk in therapy, but her tone is pulling at the anger in his throat.

“It’s not about how you see it. I feel like you’re always angry at them, and then you’re angry at me whenever you feel like I pick them over you,” Tadashi edges his attitude into his voice, but looks at his shoes.

“What do you want me to feel, Tadashi? Happy? That you decide to spend more time with him even though he abandoned you for a brand new family? That you’ve decided that they can give you something more important than I can?” His mom is getting annoyed now, too.

Ren stays silent, but he’s writing things in his notebook when Tadashi looks at him. Tadashi’s never seen actual notes in the notebook. A part of him thinks it’s full of doodles and Ren might just use it to look cool.

“I never said I felt abandoned by him.” Tadashi examines his cuticles.

“Maybe you should have.”

“Maybe you already do enough for the both of us. It doesn’t make it true.” Tadashi knows he’s being harsh. But beyond everything, beyond the anger, the hurt, the drama, he’s  _ exhausted _ . It’s been years of this. Years and years of feeling this little tear get bigger and bigger each time his mom brought up his dad. Each time she said things to make him feel a certain way. Each time she tried to teach him that he was discarded, tossed aside, left alone by his dad. It fucking sucked. He’s tired.

“What do you think happened, Tadashi? What happened to our family? Why do you only see what you want to see? What could you possibly think is this  _ truth  _ you reference?” She tosses her hands around for emphasis next to him. It’s annoying.

“Don’t ask me why your marriage ended. You don’t want me to answer, you know that.” 

His mom scoffs, letting out an airy “ha”, wide eyed. “You seriously,  _ seriously _ , would blame  _ me _ for everything? After everything that happened with our family, you blame  _ me _ ?”

“I didn’t say I blame you.” Tadashi says quietly.

“You implied it.”

“Well Mom, let’s not make a case of everything wrong you and dad did to each other, like remember when you put me through divorce court and a custody battle, but between the two people on this couch, one was ten years old when it all happened, and the other cheated on her husband.” Tadashi can’t really believe he’s said that. It’s mean, unnecessarily mean, but he’s wanted to say it for so long it feels  _ good _ . He watches his mom’s face fall a little.

“Your father and I were over long before that happened. Is it really your business?” She looks at her lap when she says it.

“Maybe not. You kind of made it my business when I was twelve and had to listen to a lawyer explain it to me.” Tadashi hasn’t looked at Ren in a few minutes. He’s embarrassed.

“I wanted what was best for you. I fought for you, Tadashi. That’s why I put you through it, it was better in the long term for you to be with me.”

“Okay. It still sucked.”

“What could I have done, Tadashi? What do you want from me?” She sounds like she’s starting to tear up.

“Nothing anymore. You just don’t  _ understand _ . You don’t even try.”

“I’m here,  _ trying _ , and you just keep victimizing yourself. I did my best, Tadashi! Everything was for you!”

“I’m victimizing myself?” He tastes pennies in his mouth, and heat builds behind his eyes. “I’m sorry. No really. When I was ten years old, I said hello to a man that you fucked that wasn’t your husband before going out to play, then a week later saw my dad cry for the first time because of it, but  _ you _ were the victim. When I was eight, I cut myself breaking a glass in my room, but was too scared to ask for help or go clean the cut in the bathroom because you and dad were throwing shit at eachother in the living room, but  _ you _ were the victim. When I was six, you left me home alone for an entire day and night because you were mad at Dad and had forgotten that he was leaving on a business trip, and I had to figure out how to call Grandma to come get me, but you’re the victim. Again.” He wipes at his eyes, but his voice is still strong. Angry.

His mom is crying, now. She’s fully sobbing, and Ren finally moves, leaning over just to hand her a box of tissues. “There’s a lot of very valid feelings coming out right now.” Is all he says.

“I tried my best, Tadashi,” His mom tells him between breaths. “Everything was always for you. I made mistakes, but I never thought I was hurting you.”

“Yeah well mom, I get that, but, you were. And you don’t stop. You act like because I chose to stay with you, and because Dad didn’t win the custody battle, that I owe you my loyalty over him. You act like it’s still a war between you guys. Like there’s still anything to fight about. It’s over.” Tadashi feels his own tears trickle down his cheeks, but he’s still trying his best. She has to know, and she has to know now, or she might never know. He has to keep talking, or they’ll just forget.

“However Dad and I feel, or whatever problems we have, they’re not your business anymore. He’s not your husband, and I’m just your kid. You can’t tell me that he doesn’t like me. You can’t try and make me feel bad for being a part of his family. And you can’t try and make me hate Miya or feel any type of way towards my siblings. Mom, you don’t even know them. Which is fine, it’s good. It’s not a part of your life, and that’s fine. So you don’t get to say shit about them.”

There’s a pause in the conversation before she responds. “You don’t get to tell me how to feel either, Tadashi. You don’t understand what it’s like to be an adult and have adult relationships. You can’t understand what your father and I felt towards one another or what our relationship was like. It hurts, okay, to see him doing so well, with a whole other wife and family. You don’t get that.You still lack maturity.”

“I’ve been mature for so long, you don’t even know! I’ve been way too mature my whole life, mom!”

“You don’t show it.”

“You aren’t around enough to see it.” Tadashi chokes down a whimper. His voice is hoarse and scratchy when he says “I took care of myself, and when it was too much, Tsukishima or his family did. You disappeared after Dad did, too. If you say he abandoned me, you did the same!”

There’s a beat of silence, where he and his mother are making eye contact, and Tadashi feels like maybe she might be understanding. That she might suddenly get it, that he gets to exhale. That all he is, all he’s ever been, is lonely. He longs for the contact of a hug, he longs to feel the warmth of a body holding him close. He thinks it’s about to happen. She finally sees him, sees Tadashi as the scared, exhausted, lonesome child he’s been for years now.

But she breaks eye contact. And it all disappears. And he feels as cold and empty as ever. Colder, even.

“I didn’t agree to come here to get blamed for everything wrong in your life. Take some responsibility, too Tadashi, if you’re so mature. Sometimes, things just happen because of who you are.” She’s back to being businesslike and cold, and it’s digging a knife straight into whatever wounds had just been opened.

_ Sometimes things just happen because of who you are. _ Tadashi supposes she’s right. Tadashi also supposes he never wants to do this again. He wants to leave and be grown up, and disappear into his fantasies and never return to real life again. He wants to fall asleep for a very long time. He feels so fucking alone. It’s in the way his heart beats pounding in his head, but there’s no panic or anxiety like before. It’s so empty and cold. It hurts so fucking bad. 

“Okay, Mom.”

“Tadashi, do you need a minute with me alone?” Ren looks very worried. Tadashi’s grateful, but it’s already passed, he figures. This is the norm now.

“No…” Tadashi glances at the clock. “I think our session is over.” His eyes are glazed over and half lidded. It doesn’t really feel like he exists anymore.

His mom is standing up. The world is moving blurrily. He wonders if he can make a run for it. Run for where, who knows, anywhere, away, somewhere warm, an apartment with plants, and dinosaur figurines that Tsukishima swears aren’t toys, and a balcony, and a kitchen, and a big comfy bed, and a lizard.

It’s not that comforting.

…

The drive home would have been agonizing, but Tadashi couldn’t find it within himself to care, anymore.

“Can you stop at the corner?”he asks groggily once they’ve reached their neighborhood. 

“Why?” His mom hasn’t said anything since they’ve left Ren’s office.

“I’m staying at Tsukki’s tonight.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Tadashi. You don’t have to do that.”

“I want to.”

“No.”

“No?”

“I’ve never put my foot down about these things before, so you think you can pull stunts like these. No. You cannot stay the night at Tsukishima’s tonight.” Her eyes are glued to the road ahead.

“Why? It’s the weekend. I want to stay with him. Am I in trouble for something?”

“No. But you’re staying at home tonight.”

“No, I’m not. If I can’t stay with him, I’m calling Dad or Miya to pick me up.”

“You aren’t allowed to just threaten me with staying at your father’s when I say no to something. That’s immature, Tadashi.” She’s clenching her jaw.

“I’m not threatening anything. I just don’t want to stay at home tonight. I feel sick about it, please can I just stay at Tsukki’s. His mom doesn’t even let us sleep in the same room if that’s what you’re suddenly worried about. Please just let me go see him.” Tadashi really does feel sick about it. He might barf.

“I already said no, Tadashi. Our family is going through something, and you just want to run away?”

“What family?” he mumbles under his breath. His stomach is hurting badly, and the nausea is getting to him. “Mom, please.” he pleads out loud.

“Tadashi-”

“Pull over, I’m gonna barf.”

“What?!”

“Pull over!”

She does, just in time for him to unbuckle his seatbelt and crouch over a bush on the side of the road and meet his lunch again. He feels so fucking disgusting. It takes a few swishes of water around his mouth that he spits back out for the taste to go away, even a little bit. 

His mom is still in the car.

He takes a minute to catch his breath and gain his balance. Then makes a split second decision.

He’s running before he even realizes it. Down the streets he knows so well, down the streets where he used to run away from home, the streets he used to run away from bullies, the streets where he Tsukishima jumped over cracks, where he’d raced Hinata on before, where he ran as fast as he could now, just away, to the only real home he’s ever known. Tears might be running down his face, but he can’t really tell, it feels as if his head is just floating along with his body. 

His mom isn’t following him yet. He supposes she’s given up. 

He only stops running when he’s in front of Tsukishima’s house. He sits on the front lawn, and catches his breath while he texts Tsukki to come outside. He doesn’t want everyone to see him like this. It takes a minute for him to get there, and in that minute, that Tadashi had told himself to pull himself together, he loses it completely.

He’s sobbing, red-faced, ugly crying, sitting on the Tsukishima’s front lawn, at 8 pm on a Saturday. 

“Oh, fuck,” is the first thing he hears after the door opens.

“What happened? What’s wrong?” Tsukishima kneels next to Tadashi and puts his arms around him. It’s an awkward position, but the sentiment gives Tadashi such comfort. The scent, the feeling, the familiarity.

“I don’t know. Everything. My entire fucked up life.” Tadashi is saying, in between sobs, but he’s not very coherent.

“It’s okay, you’re okay, we’re okay, right now, you’re fine.” Tsukishima tells him rubbing his back.

“I hate it, I hate it, I hate her, and him, and all of them for making this so hard, and maybe just for making me exist in general like jesus fuck if you didn’t want kids wear a damn condom.” Tadashi rambles on, his sobs subsiding a little.

“No, stop that. You’re supposed to exist, baby, I’m so happy you exist.”

“Nobody else.” Tadashi sniffles.

“Everyone else. Everyone loves you.”

“No. But I’m happy you do. You’re enough, just don’t disappear on me.”

“Never.”

“I hate everything so much. I hate existing like this.” Tadashi isn’t thinking, just rambling everything he feels like saying.

“I know, I know, it sucks okay? But it gets better, right? We get to leave in half a year.”

“Too long. I want to leave now. I want to forget everything about this place. I’m so  _ tired _ , Tsukki. Why does everything have to be so  _ hard _ ?”

“I don’t know. The world sucks.”

“Make it stop.”

“You have no idea how much I wish I could.” Tadashi kind of does. Tsukishima’s always taken such good care of him. He’s always protected him, made sure he was okay, even now, he cleans him up after he’s been hurt. For ten years, it’s been like this. But, it’s like the only people Tsukishima can’t really protect Tadashi from, the only people who are supposed to be closer to Tadashi than he is, are the ones who hurt him the most. Tadashi always hears that frustration in Tsukishima’s voice.

He’s stopped crying now though, and he’s alright enough to stand up.

“You’re sweaty,” Tsukishima comments. 

Tadashi rolls his eyes. “I ran here from two streets down.” 

“Why?” Tsukishima helps him stand up.

“My mom told me I wasn’t allowed to come see you. So then I barfed. And then ran here.”

“What?!”

“Can I brush my teeth? I have a toothbrush here still I think.”

“Yeah, come on.” He pulls Tadashi indoors. “You have to tell me what happened, though. This isn’t gonna distract me from the fact that I’m harboring a fugitive right now.”

  
  


…

  
  


He’s downstairs, watching a romcom of his own choice, even though it’s not his turn to choose. He’s wallowing in how much power crying gives him over his boyfriend a little, when Tadashi finally gets a text from his mom.

Mom: Are you at Tsukishima’s?

Tadashi: Yeah

Mom: When you come home tomorrow, we’re having a talk. You’re in a lot of trouble.

Tadashi leaves her on read. She makes him want to run again. He’s already wondering if he can call his dad to pick him up tomorrow.

Tsukishima comes in with a bowl of popcorn and two cokes that he sets down on the coffee table. Tadashi makes grabby hands, like a baby, both at his boyfriend and at the snacks.

Tsukishima sighs. “Scooch over, you’re in my spot,” he says, handing Tadashi the popcorn.

“Sorry, Tsukki,” he complies, but leans right back into his space as soon as he sits down. 

Tsukishima rolls his eyes, but still snakes his arm around Yamaguchi’s waist. It makes Tadashi shut his eyes amd lean into him even more, putting his head on Tsukki’s shoulder.

“You’re so pretty.” Tsukki mumbles, and Tadashi snaps his eyes open to see his boyfriend blushing a little as he looks down at him.

“Shut up. I’m all puffy and red from crying. I look ugly.”

“Again, we’re done with giving Tadashi compliments. Every time I try, I learn my lesson.”

“Shhhhh.” Tadashi gives him a wet kiss on the side of his neck. Tsukki hates them.

“Aaagh! Gross.” He wipes Tadashi’s slobber off, making Tadashi giggle.

“Oh, yeah, you’re a real comedian now.” Tsukishima sends him a glare, which makes Tadashi laugh even more.

“You’re cute,” Tadashi tells him.

“No.”

“Very cute. Baby animal cute.”

“Ugh, Yamaguchi.” Tsukishima scoffs. Then quietly, “Nobody is baby animal cute. Not even you.”

“What?”

“You can be a close second.” He grumbles.

“What about a baby lizard?” Tadashi pokes him in the cheek. 

“What  _ about _ a baby lizard?” He swats Tadashi’s hand away.

“Am I at least cuter than a baby lizard?”

Tsukishima groans. “If I say yes can this conversation be done?”

“Yes.”

“Then, yes.”

Tadashi smiles smugly then settles back down and watches Sandra Bullock do her makeup and get dressed in a montage on the TV. He gets bored.

“My mom texted me.” He tells Tsukishima after a minute.

“What’d she say? Are you gonna get killed?”

“Maybe. I dunno. I don’t care. I don’t want to deal with it.” 

“You could just stay here. For six months, and then we could move to college together.”

“Is that what we’re doing?” Tadashi whips his head around to look at Tsukki. “We haven’t said it aloud yet, but it’s what I keep thinking. Can we stay together? I don’t care where we go, if I can go with you.”

“I thought we just knew this.  _ Yes _ , Tadashi. Yes. Of course, we’ll stay together, and live together, if you want, and get a baby lizard.”

And that’s a weight lifting up off of Tadashi’s chest as he gives Tsukishima a soft kiss, Tsukishima’s big hand holding his jaw, caressing his cheek. And again, like it is every time, this is his safe place, his utopia from the rest of the world. 

He can exhale.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the angst Yamaguchi. Update on Thursday! Thanks for kudos and comments, love you all. Take care of yourselves.


	8. List

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In sickness and in health, no matter how embarrassing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Made a playlist for this fic if you’re interested!  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3v0ekzA3qcV1gFh1sVjZwv?si=9iZKPmNWR8W382UYZamMTw

Tadashi cancels his therapy appointment for the week after his session with his mom. And the week after that. He’s not up to it. His philosophy right now is to ignore any problems until he has the energy to deal with them. Though, he rarely has any energy.

He’d also been grounded for the first time in the past five years, which is strange. He doesn’t get why his mom was so mad to be honest, because if she’d just let him go to Tsukki’s in the first place, he wouldn’t have “disobeyed her outrightly” at all. He didn’t mind being grounded much. It’s not so different from his regular schedule, since on school nights, when they have practice and homework, there’s not much time to hang out. And on the weekend, he went to his dad’s house anyways. But it’s the morals of it that bother him. He doesn’t feel like he’s in the wrong here.

But, he served his week-long sentence, and is now free to do whatever he’d like. Which isn’t much. Freedom is such an impossible concept. There’s never really any truly free action. People are always chained up by something or another. Tadashi supposes his chains are just societal norms and expectations. If he were truly free, he might spend his days playing animal crossing for hours with Tsukishima, who doesn’t really like or get the game, or Yachi, who definitely does. 

It’s cold outside and Tadashi really, really doesn’t want to be walking to school. And when he gets there, he really, really, doesn’t want to be there. And during lunch, he really, really wishes he were in bed. And he’s so tired during practice, Kageyama and Hinata look really, really annoyed, but concerned when he half asses it. 

Tadashi has this creeping fear, because this level of exhaustion supersedes his normal teenage bleh, and he’s slept pretty well for the past few nights. He’s getting sick, and he knows it. There’s a terrible headache beginning behind his forehead, and his skin is clammy and cold. It’s starting. 

Tsukishima’s noticed all day, and Tadashi can tell, because despite his insisting that he’s “okay, don’t worry about it,” Tsukishima keeps putting his hand on Tadashi’s forehead like he has any idea what he’s doing or how to tell if someone has a temperature. 

“At least it’s Friday,” Tsukishima tells Tadashi as they leave campus together.

“What do you mean?”

“You’ll get to stay home for the weekend and get better.” He takes one look at Tadashi shivering next to him, even in his tracksuit, and rolls his eyes, pulling off his own sweatshirt and tossing it at Tadashi. “You look like you’re dying.”

“Thanks.” Tadashi struggles for a second to put on Tsukki’s sweatshirt, even though it fits well over his own, since it’s so big on him. “I really, really hope it’s a one day type of sickness and I wake up tomorrow all better.”

“I dunno, Dashi, you really, really don’t look so good.”

“Again, thanks for that.” Tadashi pouts. “I don’t want to be sick and home alone. My mom is leaving this weekend, not that we’re talking much these days, but still. It’s gonna suck.”

“I’ll go check on you.” Tsukishima ruffles Tadashi’s hair like he’s a kid.

“I mean…”

“Hmm?” 

“You could just stay over for the weekend. Nobody’s gonna be there.”

“You’re trying to infect me.”

“You don’t have to stick close to me.” Tadashi shoots him his best puppy eyed look. “I just don’t wanna be lonely.” He whines, trying to make himself sound pitiful.

Tsukishima scowls and looks at the floor. “You think you’re so cute.” He’s blushing though.

Tadashi just blinks up at him and pouts a little harder.

“Fine. Only because you’re sick, and you don’t know how to take care of yourself.”

“Yay!” Yamaguchi smiles, then frowns. “Hey, I can  _ too _ take care of myself though!”

“No.”

“Yes I can.”

“How do you make soup, Tadashi?”

“You pour the boiling water in the cup and put in the packet of seasoning!” Tadashi sticks his tongue out at his boyfriend.

“Oh, God, Dashi.” Tsukishima laughs a little. “Real soup. Not instant Ramen. You’re too pitiful. How will you ever survive alone?”

“I won’t have to know how to make soup to survive, Tsukki!” Tadashi glowers at him. “And you know how to make soup, so why doesn’t it matter if I don’t. You can just always make it for me.” 

“...Okay.” Tsukishima says after a minute, “Reason number six to keep me around. I can make soup.”

“Six?” Tadashi snorts. “More like five hundred and seventy six. What do you mean?”

“Reason number one, I help you study. Reason number two, I can keep away the douchebags. Reason number three, I’m tall. Reason four, I love you. Reason five, I can drive. Reason six, I can make soup.” Tsukishima recites, like it’s a well known list.

“What?! You think that’s why I keep you around?” 

Tsukishima shrugs.

“God, Kei, you’re kind of dumb.” 

Kei sputters out a laugh. “What? I like my list.”

“I obviously have more than six reasons to like you, Kei. I feel like you should know that.”

Tsukishima shrugs again.

“Do you make lists for everything?” 

“No. But lots of things. You don’t?”

“No, Tsukki. Normal people don’t make lists about why they are useful to their significant others.” 

Kei just shrugs again. “Normal people should try it. It helps organize your thoughts.”

“What’s your list for why you keep me around?” Tadashi blurts. “I mean, if you have one for you, what about the other way around?”

“Hmmm.” Tsukishima doesn’t look at Tadashi, but he blushes. “Too long to memorize.”

“You have one?!” Tadashi exclaims. “You have to show me now. Where do you keep it?”

“None of your business.”

“Your notes app.” Tadashi guesses. Judging by the pained expression on Tsukki’s face he guessed right. It makes Tadashi cackle. “What’s your password on your phone?”

“None of your business.”

“I bet I could guess. If I was your crazy girlfriend who thought you were cheating you’d be so screwed. I’d find all your dirty texts and evidence.”

“What?” Tsukishima looks disgusted. “You have weird fucking fantasies Tadashi. I don’t tolerate other people. There’s nothing bad on my phone.”

“Except for the list of why you keep me around that I’m gonna read later. And they’re not  _ fantasies _ , it’s just what happens in every TV show ever. Engage with the culture sometime, Tsukki.”

“No.”

…

Tadashi wakes up feeling so shitty he could cry. His head, in the middle of the night, must have decided to empty itself and be restuffed with needles and cotton balls. His nose is runny, his face is puffy, and his entire body feels like slush. It’s awful. 

And it’s the type of sick where he knows he needs to sleep, he craves it so much, but his brain just doesn’t listen, and no matter how many times he closes his eyes and thrashes his body around on his bed, trying to get comfortable, he ends up feeling annoyed and wide awake. 

Thankfully, Tsukki gets there before he goes insane with it, and he brings Tadashi a type of porridge that Mrs. Tsukishima swears will make him better. It makes Tadashi feel better, whether it’s the soup or just the thought of her caring so much.

“You look awful.” Tsukishima tells Tadashi as he brings another spoonful of it to his mouth. They’re sitting on the couch in the living room, Tsukishima keeping two feet of distance between them. It’s annoying Tadashi even more, not that he blames Tsukki for keeping his distance, because he wouldn’t wish whatever germs he has murdering him on anyone else. 

But, it sucks, because Tadashi loves touch and expresses affection through touch, and he’s cold and clammy, and all he wants is to bury his face into Tsukishima’s chest, which looks so comfortable. He’s wearing loose jeans and this t-shirt Tadashi bought him last year from the Tokyo National Museum when they visited. It used to fit a little big, but Tsukishima had filled out and somehow gotten even taller, and now it’s just a little tight, perfectly tight, across his dorito shaped chest and torso, and Tadashi knows just how soft and worn that shirt is and all he wants in the world at the moment, is to feel it.

Tadashi swallows before saying, “Stop, I know. I feel like shit.”

Tsukishima gives him a sympathetic pat on the head. “You should sleep. It’ll help.”

“I tried. I can’t sleep. It's the worst thing ever. I should have gotten the stupid flu shot. I’m all cold, and everything hurts, and no medicine is helping.” Tadashi knows he’s being overly sensitive, and he feels tears start to form behind his eyes that he doesn’t want to let fall, but he’s just so frustrated. He hates being sick so much.

Tsukishima looks at him for a few seconds, then sighs and scoots over the two feet distance between them, wrapping his arms around Tadashi and pulling him in. Tadashi lets his stupid tears fall a little, and he’s even more frustrated that he’s crying, but at least he can touch the stupid shirt now.

“I got the shot.” Is all Tsukishima says.

“Still, you could get sick.” Tadashi mumbles into his shirt.

“Nah.” There’s a soft, quiet moment where Tadashi feels a kiss pressed to his forehead. 

Tadashi sniffles. “I like this shirt. You’re so big now. How come I don’t grow like you?”

“Genes and lack of willpower. I made myself this tall by the sheer strength of my mind. Because I believe I am six feet and five inches tall, I am.”

“You’re only six two.”

“For now.”

Yamaguchi laughs. “I don’t want to be  _ that _ tall. Just at least six feet.”

“That’s too much.”

“But  _ you’re _ taller than that.”

“Too tall for you.”

There’s a few minutes of comfortable silence as Tadashi laughs, then closes his eyes, and even though he still can’t sleep, it’s a nice moment.

“You should take a bath, though.”

“Am I stinky?” Tadashi doesn’t budge.

“Maybe.” Tsukishima gets smacked in the chest. “Ow. No, it just might help with the fever.”

“Hmmm. Only if you go and make it nice with bubbles and stuff.”

“You’re a child, Tadashi.” Tsukkishima scoffs, but he gets up and heads towards the bathroom anyways.

It’s never lost on Tadashi, in the moments like these, that this is what he wants his future to look like, too. 

If Tadashi were feeling like himself he might have spent the next thirty minutes obsessing over how sweet Tsukki was being and how much he loved his boyfriend and how much he wanted to stay with him forever, and all the other romantic thoughts that he constantly had in the back of his mind. He probably is a little too obsessive, to be honest. His therapist would say he just likes to feel like a part of something bigger. But, his body really is significantly hurting, and the idea of a bath is really appealing, and it leaves no time to consider anything else.

The steamy water does help clear his sinuses, and makes him feel a lot more awake, less drowsy. And Tsukishima’s like a housewife in the best and weirdest way Tadashi could have never imagined. By the time Tadashi’s done in the bath, he finds a fresh set of pajamas and slippers laid out on his bed, and by the time he’s changed and dried his hair enough that it’s bearable, he finds Tsukishima in front of the stove, making what looks and smells like chicken soup.

“You feel better?”

“Meh. Yeah.” He rests his head on Tsukki’s shoulder, not caring that his hair is wetting the spot on his shirt.

“Wanna learn how to make soup?”

“Okay.” 

“Really, it’s all about broth, the noodles and veggies come after. So I just stole some of my mom’s but you just make it by boiling spices and chicken. And then you make the noodles like normal, and add whatever veggies you want.”

“Seems hard.” Tadashi pouts. “You should just make it for me always.”

“What if I can’t make it one day and you have to make it?You should learn.”

“Why wouldn’t you be around?”

“Work or something.” Tsukki shrugs. “What if you had to make it for someone else? Like what if I was the sick one?”

“You never get sick. You make sure to always get all the shots.”

“You should be getting the shots too, by the way, next flu season I’ll force you to come with me.” Tsukki’s cutting up vegetables now, and it’s starting to smell good.

“I hate needles, you can’t make me.”

“Do you enjoy being sick or something? We have this conversation every year, and every year you promise you’ll get it next year.” He tosses cut up carrots into the pot.

“Bleh,” Tadashi sticks out his tongue.

…

Tadashi really doesn’t think things through sometimes. Especially now, when his brain is all muddled, he doesn’t see how it might have been kind of stupid to fall asleep in his room, with a fully awake Tsukishima, who’s restless and itching for something to do.

Tsukki has a really annoying habit of cleaning when he’s bored or just because a mess might bother him. And his version of clean means putting everything into a logical, hidden spot, whereas Tadashi has his own chaotic system for arranging his things that just makes more sense to him, even if it is cluttered.

Tadashi would say he trusts Tsukki more than anyone. He basically has no secrets, in fact, Tsukishima might be the only person who has the full picture of what Tadashi’s life is. His perception is the most complete, he sees him and knows everything about him more than anyone else could.

But still, some things are hard to share. 

Tadashi opens his eyes to see Tsukki bent over at the desk, eyebrows furrowed as he looks down at a journal,  _ the _ journal, that has all the lists and columns that Ren had told him to make. The very private, very scary journal. It takes a few seconds for his sleep muddled brain to catch on, but when he does, the reaction is immediate.

He’s blushing, and embarrassed, but also angry, and he jumps out of bed as soon as his body will comply with his brain’s orders, walking over to his boyfriend and slamming the journal shut, startling Tsukki.

“What are you doing?” Tadashi asks him, out of breath for some reason. “Don’t, don’t look at that.”

“Oh. I- um. I didn’t know what it was,” Tsukki stutters out, and it means he’s seen enough to know how weird the contents of the notebook are.

“What did you see?” Tadashi hugs his arms to his chest and doesn’t look at Tsukki. It’s embarrassing.

“Not a lot.” Tadashi thinks this is a half lie. “Just some lists and stuff.”

“Don’t go through my things like that without permission. It’s, it’s private.” Tadashi scolds Tsukki, trying to calm down and rationalize everything. It’s mostly just emotions and stuff about his parents and siblings in there, but there is that one list. The one about them and doing it, that’s really weird and if Tsukki had seen it, Tadashi might have seemed like some sort of perv.

“I just thought it was a school thing, and then I saw my name and stuff and got curious. I didn’t really think about it. I won’t anymore.”

Tadashi sighs. “You saw your name? So you saw...that list?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

Tadashi plops himself down into his bed and covers his head with a pillow. His body is not in the mood for this kind of panic and distress. His head feels like it’s throbbing still.

It’s not that bad, really. If anyone had to see it, it might as well have been Tsukki. And all it really was was vague descriptions of actions, not detailed smut or anything. But there’s a certain feeling of helplessness that comes with having his privacy violated. He’s not really mad. Seriously, if it had been the other way around he’d probably have done the same. But, today just feels like the world is laughing at him.

He flips over on the bed so he’s facing up again. “I had to make them for therapy when I was going. It’s about being in control and when I do and don’t feel in control. If you’re curious.”

Tsukishima nods, and the room is quiet for a while. “I don’t care, you know. I don’t think it’s weird or anything. And, it’s good you know yourself better.”

“I guess. I just feel weird. Like, normal people don’t have to do that.”

Tsukishima nudges him over and joins Tadashi on the bed. “That’s not true. Unless I’m also abnormal. I have lists for everything, too.”

“You’re definitely not normal.” Tadashi gives him a weak smile. 

“The list isn’t bad or anything, Tadashi. I think it’s actually smart. It’s things that are good to know about yourself, so you don’t get hurt.”

“Makes me kind of boring, though. Inspontaneous ”

“Definitely not boring.” Tsukki’s blushing a little, and it makes Tadashi smile a little more.

“Hmmmmm. Maybe later you tell me which parts you found not boring, then. Or show me.” 

Tsukishima rolls his eyes and gives Tadashi a kiss on the forehead. “I’ll let that slide because you’re feverish and might be dying.”

“I’m on so much Nyquil, I might be hallucinating this right now,” Tadashi admits.

“I can tell.”

A few minutes pass like that, as Tsukishima pulls out his phone and watches some video about science-y shit, and Tadashi closes his eyes and tries his best to sleep even though his body is feeling restless.

“Tsukki,” he mumbles after a while.

“Hmm?” 

“Let me see your phone, then. I want to see the list about me. It’s only fair.”

“There is no list.” Tsukishima grips tighter onto his phone.

“Liar.”

“It’s not on here.”

“Liar.”

“You wouldn’t be able to guess the password anyways.”

“Pants on fire.”

Tadashi reaches for it, and maybe Tsukishima really does feel bad for reading his journal, because he doesn’t put up that much of a fight when they wrestle for it.

“Fuck, it’s embarrassing, don’t.” Tsukki whines as Tadashi opens the Notes app, and types in the numbers 6718, their anniversary, into the password bar protecting the note called, “Reasons for Dashi”. It’s too fucking cute.

“Reason One,” Tadashi reads aloud as Tsukki looks away and buries his face into his hands. “Cute freckles on nose.” Tadashi touches his nose, surprised that that’s the first thing. “Huh.”

Tsukki stays silent.

“Reason Two. He grew his hair out and he puts it in buns and stuff.” Tadashi could have guessed the hair thing. Tsukki is nothing if not consistent.

“Reason Three, loyal. Sticks with me for some reason, doesn’t stop supporting me. Aw. That’s sweet, stop being embarrassed.” Tsukki still hasn’t looked up.

“Reason Four. He’s nice to everyone, even if they’re really annoying, which balances me out when we’re together. I’m not  _ that _ nice.”

“Yeah you are. If you weren’t usually next to me, doing some of the talking, everyone else would hate me.” Tsukki finally says, scooting closer to Tadashi.

“Not really. You’ve gotten better at censoring yourself.” Tadashi leans his head again Tsukki’s shoulder, “How many of these are there?” he scrolls down in the app, but just see’s line after line of text.

Tsukishima groans. “Like three hundred.”

Tadashi’s eyebrows raise. “Reason fifty seven, the way he says ‘Kei’ either when he’s mad at me or when he feels really good.” It’s a secret thing, that one.

Tsukki blushes. “You don’t have to read them all!”

Tadashi smiles. “Just the highlights. Reason sixty two, he still plays with dolls like a baby. You always say you hate Blue!”

“Shut up, Yamaguchi.”

He smirks, “Sorry, Tsukki. Reason seventy one, the one piece of hair at the back of his head that has stood up since we were kids. I hate that piece of hair so much.”

“It’s cute.” Tsukishima shrugs.

“Reason seventy nine, he sticks to me like a koala sometimes. Reason eighty, he’s light so I can carry him around and throw him. Reason eighty one, he’s small and shorter than me. It sounds like you want a pet koala, not a person.”

“Maybe.” Tsukki raises his eyebrows.

“Don’t leave me for a koala, they'll give you chlamydia if they pee on you.”

“Gross. So will Oikawa, though.”

“The chlamydia thing was a rumor, Kageyama said! His ex spread that about him because he dumped her.” Tadashi still laughs.

“Just don’t let him pee on you, and you’re fine either way.”

“Gross, Tsukki.” Tadashi feels the Nyquil start to work it’s magic in his brain. He’s drowsy again, and sleep is pulling at his consciousness.

“Reason eighty eight. It just says ‘legs’.”

“And I’ll stand by that statement.” 

Tadashi smiles. “Reason ninety six. Too scared to ask for ketchup at restaurants. Somehow endearing. It’s scary, Tsukki.” He yawns. “Reason one hundred and three. Doesn’t snore, but breathes out really hard when he sleeps. Stop watching me sleep, creep.”

“Stop sleeping in the middle of the day, then.”

“No.” Tadashi finally puts the phone down and lies his head onto Tsukishima, closing his eyes. “‘M tired okay?”

“Okay, Tadashi. Sleep. Feel better.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Sorry I was missing for a bit. It was my birthday and then I started a summer class, so it’s been busy. But here’s a fluffy lil update! Thanks for kudos and especially comments, yall make me so very happy!
> 
> Also tell me if you listened to the playlist or if you have recommendations for it, music inspires me!


	9. Burnt Rubber and Perfume

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As if he didn't have enough trauma.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist while writing this fic here https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3v0ekzA3qcV1gFh1sVjZwv  
> cuz i still cant figure out how to make links on here

The worst day of Tadashi’s high school experience starts with the smell of burnt rubber. When he steps outside in the morning, there’s tire tracks in the street that he doesn’t think much of. But the smell bothers him all the way to the corner where he meets with Tsukishima to walk to school, even though Tsukki says it’s very faint.

Everything has felt off for a while now, wrong somehow, in a way that nags at the back of his mind. His mom, at least, has been trying to reach out more, and get back to normal, but honestly, Tadashi hasn’t been open to it very much. He doesn’t think he’s even mad, really, just exhausted from everything being so much drama and work.

It’s been weeks now, since the last day Tadashi had gone to therapy. Nationals and college entrance exams are around the corner, but in the days that he should be feeling the most stressed out, with the weird relationship he’s fallen into with his mom, the pressure of being captain, and studying so hard, he’s felt fine. So, he hasn’t felt the need to see Ren anymore. 

Therapy had been safe, up until those moments. He’d always known he was ‘reopening old wounds’, and it was going to hurt, and it was going to be awkward, but he’d never felt so violated as he did that day. He’d invited someone into where he held his innermost feelings, and even if he was harsh, Tadashi doesn’t think getting hurt that badly was fair. So, therapy feels useless, now that it isn’t safe. Besides, his anxiety really is getting better. There haven’t been any major panic attacks since that day with his mom, and a lot of the coping strategies he’d worked on with Ren have helped the smaller issues he’s dealt with. Still, sometimes Tadashi longs for the safety that he felt in that staged, ugly room and brown leather couch. And Ren had been his friend, in a weird way. Like, the man was really good at his job, he made Tadashi feel better most of the time. But he feels ready to move on, be independent. This house, the town, the school, they’re all suffocating him.

There’s something about burnt rubber that feels apocalyptic. 

The worst day of his high school experience starts off fine. He’s early to meet Tsukki to walk to school, he’s well prepared for his math quiz, lunch goes by with no monumental meltdowns from any of his friends. Until practice. It didn’t start until seven instead of six, so most of the players had gone home, and planned on going back later. The gym was open though, so Tadashi had decided to help a few first years practice their serves while they waited for the official practice to start.

“Try and visualize where you want the ball to stall more, I know everyone always says that, but it really does help,” Tadashi calls out to a shaky first year.

It’s six thirty now, so most of the players are showing up and making their ways to the locker rooms. Tadashi figures it’s time for a break, to get some rest before practice really begins. He’s walking out to refill his water bottle at the fountain outside the gym when he hears yelling. Just messy sounds, vowels being shouted out loudly, nothing with meaning.

The voice belongs to a short redhead, crumpled up on the floor, hands grasping a wrinkled piece of paper. Tadashi walks up to him. Hinata yells a lot, but his eyes don’t normally look so empty while he does it.

“Hinata? What’s wrong?” Tadashi crouches beside him.

“I’m over. It’s done and I know it.” Hinata's voice is eerily quiet. “All of it was for nothing.” He laughs a dry laugh Tadashi’s only heard so bitter from Tsukki before.

“What do you mean? What’s over?” Hinata isn’t responding, so Tadashi takes a glance at the paper he’s crushing in his hands. It’s a letter from a team that Tadashi knows Hinata’s been in communication with, that he might be signing with later this year, but it’s unopened. 

“I don’t get it, what’s going on?” Tadashi tries again.

“Kageyama texted me earlier. He got one of those package envelope things from the same team. It was an offer for him to sign on and stuff. I got a letter. So. That’s it for me, I bet.” Hinata’s not teary, he just looks defeated. And sort of angry.

“Oh,  _ honey _ .” Tadashi wraps Hinata as best as he can in a hug. It’s always hard to know how to react when people are hurting, but at least he’s trying. “You don’t know that. You haven’t even opened it. And, even if this isn’t your path, there’s other ways to get there.”

“You don’t get it. This wasn’t just a club for me! This is my life. This is all I have. And Kageyama. He’s all I have. And he’s going to  _ leave me behind _ , Yamaguchi! And he’s going to win, and he’ll be everything he’s supposed to be, and I have to be  _ nothing _ !” Hinata is limp in Tadashi’s grasp.

“No, Hinata. It feels like that now, but you’ll figure out a way around this.” Tadashi’s not entirely sure himself what one could do, but he knows Hinata can figure it out if anyone can. That as long as his friend never loses his spirit, he’ll succeed.

“I just. I thought we were finally equal. Or near equal. He treats me like I’m equal. Why did nobody tell me I suck?”

“You’re so good, Hinata. You’re so good, that I know you can still make it somehow.”

“You keep saying that. Stop! Stop getting my hopes up!” HInata shakes free of Tadashi’s hug, standing up.

“I’m not, Hinata. But even if you don’t do professional volleyball, there’s other skills you have that you can make a future out of.”

“Volleyball was my only thing! And now I don’t even have that! I care about volleyball more than anything! You wouldn’t understand, so stop trying to make me feel better! I’m not Tsukishima, I don’t need you to baby me so I feel better about being a shitty person! Because I guess I am just a shitty person. I’m a loser. I have nothing.”

“I-” Tadashi starts, getting cut off by Hinata, who doesn’t seem to have heard him.

“And me and Kageyama aren’t gonna be like you and Tsukishima, and you guys already think you’re better than us, and you guys always get good test grades and Tsukishima gets to be one of the best middle blockers ever, and you get to be captain and Kageyama gets to be one of the best setters, and I get nothing anymore! I get nothing! I get to be nothing! So you don’t understand, and you won’t, because you’re  _ perfect _ ,” Hinata spits out, kicking at the floor. “And going to a perfect college, and have a perfect relationship where you never even fight, and you’ll have a perfect future, and Kageyama is probably gonna break up with me when he finds out how worthless I am. So don’t tell me how I just have to work hard, get better, figure it out, when you never have to work for anything!”

Tadashi feels his heart rate spike up and his breaths turn shaky. “I was just trying to help, Hinata. I’m sorry, I guess.” He stands up too, and takes a few steps away, towards the exit of the school before turning around and saying, “And Hinata, Tsukishima is not a shitty person. Please don’t say that about him.” His voice is surprisingly steady for how panicked he feels, but even above the panic in his chest, there’s anger choking him. 

“You say that, but you know how much he hates everyone but you. He treats everyone like trash, and you let him. You just think everyone is much better than they are,” Hinata spits out bitterly.

It’s the fact that Tadashi has only seen Tsukki cry a handful of times, and one of them was because he felt like a bad person, that makes his voice come out so icily. It’s the way Hinata isn’t being himself, the way the Hinata that Tadashi knows and loves wouldn’t say these things.

“Tsukishima is a good person. If you want to tear yourself down, you want to pity yourself and wallow in it, leave other people out of it.” Tadashi responds, his voice again coming out much calmer than he feels. It’s weird, that instead of the feeling of self hatred and embarrassment he used to get in fights, he’s just mad. His anger is fighting out all his other emotions, and winning, for once.

“I’m not just feeling bad for myself, Yamaguchi. I’m finally saying things how they are. You don’t like getting told the stupid, depressing truth, that Tsukishima isn’t a good person, that I’m a failure, that these past three years were a waste of time and effort, and that you can’t sympathize because you don’t understand what it’s like to always be working, straining, hurting, to do better.”

And Tadashi gets that Hinata is just hurt, he does. He himself has been angry and hurt and mean too many times to count these past few weeks. But it’s not fair. It’s all too fucking much at this point, that he’s got shit flying at him from every direction, and he’s expected to make it work somehow. It’s not fair that he just got told that his life has been perfect, like Hinata wasn’t one of his only friends he’s trusted enough to tell about his family situation. Like Hinata didn’t know how much he’d killed himself studying and training for the past two years. Because fuck that, Tadash’s over it. 

He supposes there’s a point where your life is so messed up, everything starts to feel like a stab wound, no matter how small.

“I work hard for everything. I’m captain because I worked for two years to become good enough. I get good grades because I study for hours every night. My relationship is good because we work at it. And I’ve never thought I was better than you. I’m not perfect, my life is really fucking far from perfect, but you haven’t asked me about it in a really long time, so I can’t have expected you to know.” With that, he turns back around and makes his way to the entrance of the school.

The second he turns the corner, out of Hinata’s sight, he starts running, his emotions pouring out of him with every step, not his sadness or hurt, but his anger. He must be distracted though, because he barrels right into Tsukishima and Kageyama, who’re walking to practice together.

“Holy fuck,” Tsukishime breathes out, catching Tadashi by the arm before he can lose his balance and fall onto his butt.

“Shit,” Tadashi says, catching his breath. “Sorry.”

“What’s wrong, do you need something?” Kageyama asks, eyebrows knit in confusion. “Why’re you running?”

“Oh, it’s nothing.” Tadashi shrugs it off, trying to seem nonchalant. He’s sure Kageyama will probably hear about it from Hinata. “I guess I just felt like it.” Tsukki narrows his eyes, though, like he can tell something’s up, but he doesn’t say anything.

Kageyama seems to buy it though, because he shrugs, and then pulls out something from his bag, one of those padded, really big envelopes. 

“Guess what?” He looks so excited, and genuinely happy, that Tadashi doesn’t have the heart to tell him he already knows. “They want to sign me. Right out of high school, they said I’d even be on the starting line up.”

“Wow, Kageyama. Congratulations.” Tadashi smiles weakly at him.

“Thanks. Is Hinata here yet? I wanted to show him in person.”

“That’s not a great idea, I think, um, maybe you guys should hold off on that.”

“Why? I thought he got a letter too.”

“Um, maybe talk to him?” Tadashi winces.

“Oh. Uh, alright. I’ll go find him, then.” Kageyama nods before he makes his way to the gym. 

“What happened? For real.” Tsukki finally asks Tadashi once they’re alone, eyebrows knit, giving him a once over.

“Ugh. Hinata’s going through it, and I tried to help, and he was mean.”

“Are you okay? Anxiety wise and stuff.” 

“Yeah. I’m mostly mad. Like frustrated. I really, really don’t wanna go to practice. And I really, really don’t wanna go home.”

“I’ll tell coach you’re sick and make Kageyama run practice if you want,” Tsukki offers.

“Yeah, maybe. I just feel so… weird.”

“Do you want to talk about it? What do you need from me?” Tsukishima really has changed a lot these past few years, and the way he speaks so softly is both calming and even more angering. Tsukishima made so much progress, and honestly, fuck Hinata for not seeing it.

“I think...um” He can’t really stay here today, deal with it, seeing Hinata either pretend that nothing happened or have another meltdown would be too much right now. But his mom is home, and having to deal with that awkward, cold, empty conversation they’d been making for weeks now just sounds awful, too. 

At the end of every therapy session, Ren always said that in case of an emergency, which Tadashi had assumed meant, ‘if you feel like offing yourself’, his door was open and his phone was on. And while today felt more like a minor, frustrating inconvenience than a major emergency, and it’s been weeks that he’s been skipping his sessions, Tadashi supposes it might be time to test it out. Honestly, he does kind of miss Ren, and talking things out tonight might be much healthier than wallowing in his feelings and letting them control him.

“I think I’m gonna see if I can see my therapist today. I dunno. I just feel so off and weird and like, angry. Um, yeah.”

Tsukishima gives him another look with narrowed eyes, then sticks his hands into his pockets and rummages around, pulling out his keys. “It’s your lucky day, because I feel ‘sick’ too, and so I can drive you.”

“I can take a bus or something. I’ve been using public transportation my whole life.”

“Tadashi, you seem kind of weird. And it’s getting dark. And, I have my car, since Kageyama and I were shopping earlier so please, just let me drive you. So I know that you’re safe.” 

Tadashi rolls his eyes, but he doesn’t really mind either way, even if Coach might whip their asses tomorrow for skipping out. “Fine. I’ll go tell Kageyama he’s in charge and grab my stuff. And if I tell Coach I threw up he’ll go easy on me.”

“No, here.” Tsukki hands Tadashi his keys. “I’ll go. I have to grab something from Kageyama’s bag anyways.”

So Tadashi’s left sitting in Kei’s passenger seat in the car that Kei’s dad swears is the family car, and not Tsukki’s, even though Tsukki is the only one who drives it. It’s actually kind of weird that Kei even has his car, because he doesn’t usually drive to practice. But he’d said that he and Kageyama had been shopping. Which is actually pretty weird in itself. The two of them are what Tadashi would call Reluctant Best Friends, meaning that excluding each of their boyfriends, they’re pretty much one another's closest friends. But that doesn’t mean that they do normal best friend things like  _ shop _ . In fact, Tadashi can’t remember the last time Kei had ever voluntarily gone shopping by himself. It’s weird.

Everything’s weird today, though, everything is too much effort to read too deeply into, everything is giving Tadashi a major headache. And he’s not sure what going to therapy for an unscheduled visit that might not even be possible will do, but he feels about two steps away from a mental breakdown at this point, and like three steps away from going manic. So maybe this is an emergency, like Ren had said. If he stays here, and something bad happens with Hinata or literally anybody else at practice, he might snap. If he goes home and his mom wants to talk or argue, he could lose it. So it feels urgent, but also lame, the way his brain is mushy and slow right now, emotions checked, but at risk of boiling over, and burning him badly.

Tsukki opens the driver's side door, startling Tadashi. “Coach says that if you’re still gone tomorrow, I’d better have a doctor's note or a death certificate to vouch for it.”

Tadashi sends him a weak smile. “Sounds about right.”

“Alright, let’s go then.”

…

Tadashi should have noticed three monumental clues. He’ll hate himself for a while after for not getting it.

Kei walks him up to the waiting area outside Ren’s office, where Tadashi goes up to reception. The first clue should have been the most obvious. The receptionist is weird.

She doesn’t look confused when he walks in. She just nods at him like she expected him or something. 

So when he starts saying, “Hi, I know it’s not technically my time for a session, but-”

She cuts him off, “Oh, sweetheart, they’re waiting for you inside, it’s totally fine. Dr. Yamamoto won’t mind that you’re late. Go right ahead.”

So Tadashi thinks maybe she’s confused, maybe she thinks he had a scheduled appointment. And if she’s ushering him inside, Ren probably doesn’t have another patient in there right then. So it’s fine. He doesn’t overthink the word “they,” nearly as much as he should.

The second clue should have been the smell in the hallway leading to Ren’s office. It’s familiar, though Tadashi doesn’t like it at all, too sugary sweet, kind of makes him gag. He knows it, recognizes it from somewhere, but he doesn’t dwell too hard on it. Maybe he should have.

The third is right after he opens the door. There’s a fucking high heeled shoe on the floor in front of him that he almost trips over, before he raises his eyes over the rest of the room. 

Ren is on the couch where Tadashi used to sit, his back to the door, and some lady is practically under him. His tongue is definitely down her throat. 

“Oh shit,” Tadashi starts, “My bad,” he starts to turn around, to walk back out. But then Ren moves away in surprise at hearing Tadashi’s voice, and so Tadashi gets a good look at the lady he’s with and-

She’s in a pantsuit that looks too familiar. And her face...

There’s some moments in life where your stomach drops to the floor. It can be a pleasant feeling sometimes, and others it can feel like the final step before death. Roller coasters, happy announcements, airplane flights versus jump scares, bad news, car crashes. It’s almost the same but the context makes it either feel like a heart attack, or like a zap of electricity, or like you’re flying.

Tadashi has felt it before but never like this. Never with this much hurt accompanying it. Like all his insides were ripped out of him and shot out of a cannon into the fucking underworld.

A part of him wants to kneel on the floor, let his eyes cloud over, pass out. Another part wants to scream for hours, until his voice is gone. But his instinct makes him run. So he’s running, dodging past reception, opening the door to the stairway, and just fucking sprinting. He’s faintly aware of Tsukishima following him, of voices calling after him, but all he can do is fucking move, not stop long enough to process what he’s just seen.

But the image is there burned into his mind, and he can’t get away from it really. 

They had the same expression on both of their faces as they’d looked at Tadashi of shame and surprise and pity. 

It made too much fucking sense now, his day had started with the bitter scent of burnt rubber, and ended with the sugary, disgustingly sweet scent, of his mother’s perfume.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lols more angst to come. Probably gonna be writing a bokuaka short fic before i finish this one, though. Thanks for all comments and kudos. ;)


	10. Thoughts From Your Greatest Loves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The support system he doesn’t know he has.

Contrary to popular belief, Tsukishima Kei doesn’t hate people very often. 

Hate is a strong emotion that takes a lot of effort to produce and to keep, and Kei simply doesn’t have time for it. He prefers simple and uncomplicated emotions, like disdain or annoyance, comfort or joy. It would take a lot for Kei to feel love or hate towards a person, though it’s not impossible. He loves his parents, his brother, maybe even his friends if he forces himself to accept it. And he loves Tadashi. Like, with so much strength that it would knock him out if he sat and thought about it too much, he loves Tadashi. 

It’s with that same vigor and power, that he hates Tadashi’s parents. He’s not vocal about it, though it can be frustrating as fuck, when Yamaguchi will talk about something majorly fucked up his parents are doing or have done, and Kei just has to listen quietly. It’s been years and years of this for Kei. He remembers things Tadashi probably doesn’t even remember, knows which memories are so bad, Yamaguchi must just block them out. It hurts him more than almost anything, it frustrates him more than anything, to feel so helpless.

Sometimes, looking at Yamaguchi, Kei still sees the little boy that was crying, blinking up at him with big watery eyes the first time they met. Or he sees the eleven year old Tadashi that smiled up at him with a grin so large his eyes became tiny slivers as he gave Tsukishima a hug and said something cringey about being best friends. Or the Tadashi who blushed so hard his ears turned fiery red the first time Kei had kissed him. They’re all the same person, Kei supposes, but it's in those moments that he remembers all the different versions of Tadashi he’s seen and loved, that he loves so intensely. He doesn’t know how to handle it. 

When Tadashi dashes past him and the chair he’d sunken into in the reception area, Kei runs after him instinctively. Because for a long time now, that’s all he’s felt he knows how to do. To run after his love, to try and stay there and match his pace, to be important enough for him to stay by his side. 

So Kei puts all the energy and power he has into this, just running behind him, unsure what’s happening or what’s going to happen, but sure that he needs to be there for it. 

It’s ugly. It’s catching Tadashi standing in the parking lot, with his chest rising up and down as he struggles to breath. It's worse than any horror film Tsukishima has ever seen, worse than any fear he’s ever felt, to see Tadashi crumpling to his knees, unable to catch his breath, no matter how much Tsukki tells him to calm down or tries to help him breathe. The worst part is when Kei doesn’t know what to do, or how to help him anymore, and he just tries to grab him to slow down the shaking, to help him breathe or something, and nothing works.

No. The worst part is when Tadashi looks up at him and finally seems to register him, recognize him, and Kei exhales and remembers to breathe himself for a second, and then Tadashi is limp in his hands and his eyes are rolling back into his head and Kei wants to scream out of fear. He doesn’t.

He calls an ambulance, for real this time, and he watches as first responders make Tadashi breathe and then put him on this machine in the ambulance, and as they board Tadashi up into the back of it, they ask him if he’s a family member. Kei almost lies.He doesn’t think enough though, and so as soon as he says no, they’re all leaving, telling him which hospital to go to on the way out.

“It wouldn’t have been a lie,” Kei whispers to himself as he watches the lights flash and the ambulance drive off. He doesn’t give himself much time to sit and catch his breath though, he doesn’t have much time to question what the fuck just happened, he just has to move, get into his car and drive, and run to catch up with Yamaguchi again. Like he always does.

…

Yamaguchi Ryota has a lot of regrets. He wishes that when he was six he’d never stuck gum in his sister’s hair. He wishes that he hadn’t cheated on his middle school entrance exams. He has bigger ones, sure, ones he doesn’t like to dwell on. But he never once regretted being with her. He regretted marrying her maybe, he regretted feeling pressured to do so because of her pregnancy, he regretted staying for so long, he regretted the fights, the pain. But at the end of the day, he had Tadashi. He got Tadashi, and he loved Tadashi. 

It sucks knowing you’ve failed at the most important thing you have to do in your life. Ryota wanted to be a dad since he was a kid. He used to take care of his little sister and imagine doing the same things for his own kids one day. And sure, maybe getting his high school girlfriend pregnant wasn’t really ideally how he wanted everything to happen, and maybe he had been planning on breaking up with her before he knew she was pregnant, and maybe they should have listened to the nurse who recommended that they get rid of it early on, but fuck, Ryota really wanted to be a dad. And when he felt true, pure love for the first time, holding this gross looking, wrinkled baby, after seeing his girlfriend literally give fucking birth, he knew he’d made the right decision.

Tadashi was the happiest thing in Ryota’s life. Tadashi was sunshine and smiles, and an obnoxiously loud laugh that he got from his dad. Tadashi liked yellow, and playing with clothing hangers, and to be spun around on Ryota’s office chair until he got dizzy and fell on the floor, still bubbling with laughter. Ryota’s heart burst every time he saw the kid. Tadashi was everything good in his life.

The problem was, Tadashi was everything good in his life. His marriage was a joke, his job was a joke. He’d sleep on the couch so often, he bought one of those nice reclinable ones as an investment in his back health. He had taken the first job offer he’d gotten, working in sales at a medical equipment company, and it was trash. He was depressed really, and never noticed it.

His wife was unkind. Ryota supposes he, also, was unkind. He knew he had a bad temper. He yelled and maybe threw things and got unreasonably angry. She lied like it was fun, was cruel and foul mouthed. He was toxic, she was toxic, it was bad all around. She hated him for existing, for ruining her life, and he hated her for the same reasons. Then he tried his best to love her, he tried his best to remember that they were a team, and they were making it work. But sometimes he didn’t even remember liking her at all. He might have just been a douche when it all started, who just wanted a girlfriend. 

When she cheated, it woke him up. He realized what a fucking nightmare he was living. He knew it was time to end it, and he knew he had to take Tadashi with him. His happiness, his biggest love. He knew he’d hurt him too much, but he also knew he could take care of him. He knew his mom was struggling, she had her own problems, and Tadashi would be safest with him. 

When they first had spoken about it, she had agreed. They would figure it out, but Ryota could have him for the most part. Two weeks later, she’d gotten a fancy lawyer and was taking a shit ton of money he didn’t have, and was pulling his kid away from him.

The custody battle was maybe the worst pain of it all for Tadashi. He had gotten to see everything wrong with his parents, everything twisted and dirty. At the end of the day, Ryota knew he had the better case. He made more money, had more family, could send him to the better school, could really give him a better quality of life. And she had cheated.

He lost. The judge had said something about growing boys needing their mothers. It was bullshit. It was the worst loss he ever felt. At that point he had already met Miya, and was already in love. He was pretty sure Tadashi didn’t like her. He was pretty sure Tadashi had thought his dad didn’t want him anymore. It was the worst. He broke the best thing in his life. His biggest regret wasn’t having Tadashi. It was never being good enough for him.

These thoughts are the ones that crowd his brain as he speeds through the highway, turning a one hour drive into a half an hour drive. He hadn’t known what to expect when he’d gotten a call from Tadashi’s boyfriend, telling him in a tight voice that his kid was in the hospital, and he had no idea what was going on, and that nobody would tell him, because he wasn’t related to him. 

There’s no worse panic than thinking your child is in danger. The fear is brutal, the pain is crushing, the world falls apart. It’s his greatest fear finally come to life, his worst nightmare appearing in reality, that the distance, the space between them was too far for Ryota to protect him, To be there for him.

If he’s honest with himself, the distance has been there for too long. The drive has been too long, and the silence has been too much. He hasn’t connected with his son in the way Tadashi deserves, and now, he’s paying the price.

Ryota tries to keep driving.

…

“Kageyama?” Tobio has never heard Tsukishima’s voice sound quite like this before. It’s breathless, almost like he’s been crying? But it’s not really believable, because it’s Tsukishima on the other end of the line.

“Yeah, what’s up?” Practice has just barely ended, so it’s a miracle that Tobio had his phone on him when it rang.

“I’m at a hospital.”

“What the fuck? What happened?! Shit, are you alright?”

“I’m good. Yamaguchi is in there, he had some sort of asthma panic attack thing, and he passed out, and now I’m outside the hospital because they won’t let me see him cuz he’s a minor and I’m not family, and they won’t even tell me what happened to him, just that, he’s okay, and that doesn’t really mean anything unless they tell me what’s wrong right? Fuck. And his dad is on his way and I tried calling his mom but she didn’t answer so now I have to wait for his dad to make the drive and I’m freaking out sort of dude.”

Kei wasn't really one to talk too much, or too quickly, but he said all that in one breath. He wasn’t okay. And fuck, maybe Kageyama had some shit going on, but he had the feeling Kei needed a friend. For real, needed him.

“Shit. Do you want me to meet you?” He can’t drive, so he’d have to figure out some sort of Uber or a Taxi or something, but he’d do it. For his friend, he’d do it. He might even hijack a car or something.

“No, it’s fine. There’s not much you can do here. I just...I needed to calm down, and I didn’t know who to call.”

“Hey, if they say he’s okay right now, that’s the most important thing, right? Just, you have to wait it out.”

“I know.”

“Call your mom. She’ll go and she can help. Adulthood, you know?”

“I guess. I should call her, yeah. I’m gonna hang up.”

“Call me if you need something, Kei. I’ll figure it out. I...Everyone loves you guys, alright? Anyone here would do anything for you guys.”

“...Thanks. Bye.”

…

Yamaguchi Miya, mother of two, weird step-mom-ish thing of one, loved people with an incredible amount of force. She had met her husband at an age where people told her she was going through a phase, that she shouldn’t settle for an older man, that dating a divorcee was a scandal. She didn’t care. She loved him. He was a sad, broken thing when she had met him, and she had seen how a person could build themselves up and mend themselves. She saw him grow, she saw him learn and change. And she loved him so.

The first time Miya met him, Tadashi wore the same tired, defeated look on his face as his father. And just looking at him, she knew she loved him. He was so kind, so pure, and so broken. She wanted to help him. He was scared of her. 

But she tried her best. She watched from far away as he caught ladybugs and examined them closely before letting them go. He liked cute things, his favorite Pokemon was Jigglypuff, his favorite color was pink, he had stuffed animals and plushies decorating his bed. He liked playing by himself, he was quiet around her, he liked listening to 90s grunge rock in the car with his dad. Miya loved him.

She loved him even when she knew he didn’t love her, didn’t even like her. She loved even more strongly as he started to warm up to her. She loved him the best when she was pregnant, and he would touch her belly and grin. He would dash to pick anything she dropped up from the floor to prevent her from bending down. He would make her sandwiches and scrambled eggs and anything else he knew how to cook, even though he was awful at cooking, and tell her she was eating for three. She loved him the best when he took care of his siblings and loved them so deeply. She loved him the best when he carried them around on his shoulders, when he held them to his chest and rocked them to sleep. 

Miya tried her best. She tried to respect his boundaries and never call herself anything he hadn’t called her. She never wanted to force a relationship. She just loved him.

She got a call from Ryota as he’d gotten to the hospital. She grabbed the kids, hauled her pregnant ass into her Toyota Camry, and started driving. She loved Tadashi too much not to.

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it’s been awhile cuz i started classes again but yeahhhh. I almost abandoned this fic but imma finish it no matter hoe much i dont like it. So it might take awhile but it’ll get done. I hope you guys enjoy this shitshow of a chapter and leave me a comment if u did ! Have a good day/night!


	11. aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The dust settles. He’s still standing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> playlist here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3v0ekzA3qcV1gFh1sVjZwv?si=vC29LBbUR0aX18YdvvP60g

Tadashi’s first memory is of his father’s shoulders. When he was little, his parents would take him on lots of little trips, to toy stores, zoos, museums, amusement parks, and Tadashi would get tired of walking, and so his dad would hoist him up onto his shoulders. He was solid, comfortable. Safe. His dad was safe. 

For as long as he could remember, Tadashi had separated people, experiences, and things into two different categories, things he was scared of, and things that were safe. And even though his dad was a mess, and his dad was an ass sometimes, and his dad wasn’t even always there, his dad was safe.

When he was in middle school, right after the divorce, Tadashi was in a school play. They basically forced all the students to participate, and Tadashi was cast as the family dog, but he had gotten excited about it. He had made some friends in the cast, and they had gotten him really pumped to bark and wear the stupid costume on stage. And Tsukki had laughed at him about it, which didn’t really bother Tadashi, because Tsukki laughed at everything, and he had to play a stupid singing tree anyways. 

Tadashi had told his mom but she had to work. He had mentioned it to his dad, not really putting much thought into it, just kind of offhandedly talking about rehearsal, but he had been there. And then he took Tadashi out for ice cream. 

The thing was, it wasn’t a big deal. Tadashi knew that it would have been okay if his dad hadn’t gone. But, he  _ had _ . And that was what made it so nice. Because at every other event, every volleyball game, every award ceremony, every school festival, Tadashi had to look into the eyes of the adults from around the neighborhood and cling to Tsukki’s arm as he felt them whisper things about him. About why his parents weren’t there. Everyone always knew, everyone always pitied him. But nobody could pity him when his dad was there, in the audience clapping, there, scooping him up into a big hug after the show. 

Tadashi loved his dad in that moment. In his later years he felt that he didn’t understand his dad. That his dad had abandoned him. But in the moments when he wondered if he hated his dad sometimes, teary eyed and angry, his guilty conscience would remember that moment.

Tadashi had actually felt strong enough to tell his dad he was gay before almost anyone else. Tsukki was first in middle school, at a sleepover, Tadashi had broken down crying, confused and embarrassed about finding boys attractive. He told Yachi in first year, they’d bonded and become close pretty quickly, and she had been accepting and fine with it. He told his dad during Christmas Break of his first year. 

They were driving in his dad’s car listening to David Bowie, of all things, and his dad was talking about how he had broken the twins’ crib accidentally when he was trying to assemble it. 

Tadashi was nodding along to the story, but in the back of his mind was freaking out a little about how Tsukishima had called him cute earlier that day. He didn’t know what came over him when he suddenly blurted out, “How do you know if you’re in love?”

His dad had paused for a minute before saying, “You already know how you know.”

“What do you mean? I really don’t.”

His dad had winced, then said, “I guess your mom and I were never a good example but...Everyone always says there's these different types of love. But that’s not really true. I mean, romantic, platonic, familiar, they’re all expressed differently, sure. But, love is simple. Love is when you would do anything and everything to make someone happy. And when someone matters to you more than anything else. You know love, Tadashi.”

Tadashi had sat there for a minute, feeling something in his chest. “Dad, I’m gay.”

His dad hadn’t even twitched. He just kept driving, and nodded. “That’s fine.” There’s a few seconds of silence. “Were you worried about telling me? I’m sorry, kid, if you were.”

Tadashi’s eyes had swelled up and heart had crumbled a little. “It’s scary. I don’t think it’ll ever not be scary.”

“That’s fair.” His dad winced again. “Tadashi, you know I love you, right? I love you so much. I know...I know I haven’t been the best always, but I hope if there’s one thing you know, it’s that I love you.”

It’s uncomfortable and awkward, but Tadashi feels it. “I know.”

…

Tadashi’s alive. Sometimes, it’s hard to feel that way, but he’d check his pulse just to make sure if he ever doubted it too much.

His dad wants to sue Ren and his mom. Tadashi doesn’t care. He’s stopped calling her “mom” in his head. He started thinking of her as separate from him, from his home, from his family. It helps.

His dad wants him to move in permanently. Tadashi’s been living with him ever since the night he woke up in the ER, he hasn’t even been able to go home to get his stuff yet, but his dad says he never has to go back to her, ever. He says Tadashi’s mother and him have been talking, and that she isn’t fighting him on it. He says Tadashi never has to deal with her if he doesn’t want to. Tadashi doesn’t know and doesn’t want to think about it.

His dad wants him to transfer schools. Tadashi won’t do that. There’s no leaving at this point. Nationals are coming up, graduation is coming up, everything he cares about is there. 

There’s a month and a half left of school. He’s been doing his work from home for a week, because he can’t do the whole hour drive thing every day, but Tsukki’s mom offered to let him move into Akiteru’s room until the end of school, and Tadashi thinks it’s a good idea. It’s really kind of Tsukki’s mom. She had always been like that, though. Kind, generous, always putting everyone else before herself. Tadashi sometimes wondered what it might be like if his mom had been just like her.

Everything is weird to think about. He has to try and detach himself from the situation and explain it objectively, the way his dad had told him everything. His mom and Ren had been speaking since the day of their joint session. It started out as him attempting to help her through her problems with Tadashi and his dad, but they realized there was a “mutual attraction”. That’s how his dad had put it, with a disgusted look on his face. It got messy, and illegal for awhile, but since Tadashi had stopped going to his sessions, his mom essentially decided to fire Ren, and had Tadashi removed as a patient of his without telling him. They started dating. And never said anything to Tadashi.

Nobody has asked him how he feels about it yet, which is good, because Tadashi doesn’t want to think about it. He hasn’t cried since that day, and he thinks if he thinks about it, he’ll break his streak. Sometimes he almost breaks it just looking at his Dad, or at Miya, or at Tsukki. It’s okay. It’s been okay.

Tsukishima has been the only one who won’t look at him with those big pity filled eyes that everyone else does, and it’s refreshing. Tsukki went to get Tadashi’s things from his room, and brought him Blue the Brontosaurus without him asking. Tsukki climbed into the hospital bed and hugged Tadashi until he stopped sobbing and shaking that day. Tsukki drove an hour to come visit him on a Wednesday, and let Tadashi hold his hand until he had to leave. Tadashi is sure, has always been sure, he has the greatest love of his life right here, right now. 

So it’s working out. It’s okay. Not really but. Okay. He’s breathing. He’s here.

He wonders sometimes, what’s left to do anymore. He wonders if his life's tragedies are a joke to someone, if there’s a God somewhere, laughing at him. He hopes not. 

He wonders if he’ll have to see another therapist. He wonders what the notes that Ren will pass onto that therapist will say. “He was a kid, his parents fought, he got trauma. He was bullied, added to the trauma. Parents divorced. Trauma. Custody battle. Trauma. Panic Attacks. Therapy. Meds. Eventually stopped taking them. More panic attacks. More therapy. Stopped going. Had a panic attack. I made out with his mom. He saw. More trauma. Had a big panic attack. Ended up in hospital. Doctors think he is depressed.”

But yeah. He’s okay. Fuck.

If anything, Tadashi is glad to be with the kids. His siblings don’t understand what's going on, they’re just super happy he’s been with them for this long. And they’re a good distraction, having all their energy and excitement.

Miya has been really good to him too. She showed him her little painting studio she has in the garage, and lets him mess around with paint and canvas, and talks to him about her plans for turning the twin’s nursery into a painting room and moving them into their dad’s office, which he doesn’t need anymore since he got a promotion. She taught him how to make a decent plate of eggs, and told him that she always had known he was an awful cook, but she didn’t know if he knew he was an awful cook, and she wanted to spare his feelings. It’s sweet and funny. He’s started feeling a real kinship with her. He thinks that if they’d met in highschool, they would have been great friends.

He’s planning on going to Tsukki’s by the next school week, but he’s decided to come back to his dad’s on weekends. If he’s realized anything, it’s that he wants a family. A single cohesive, happy family. And for the first time it feels like he might deserve it. Might get to have it.

…

“Was she home?” Tadashi walks next to Tsukki on their way to school for what must be the hundred-thousandth time. 

“When I got your stuff? No. She left a note next to your bags but I left it there. I didn’t read it.” Tsukishima is stiff, Tadashi can tell he feels some type of way about the note, and maybe he’s lying a little. It’s alright. Tadashi doesn’t really care.

“Do you think…” Tadashi’s voice trails off. “Nevermind.”

“Do I think what? It’s okay, Dashi just say it.”

“Do you think she broke up with him?” Tadashi looks a little pale as he says it. He really didn’t want to think about it, but he wonders sometimes. His thoughts always end up going back to her. 

“I don’t know. Does it matter?”

“Maybe. I dunno. I dunno if I want her to be alone.”

“You don’t have to worry about her. Or take care of her. She’s grown.” 

“I guess.” It’s quiet for a second, and Tadashi takes Tsukishima’s hand. “Do you remember when we were little and we had to do a play for school?”

“Yeah. I was a tree.”

Tadashi smiles weakly. “I was thinking about that when I was in the hospital. I dunno why. I think it just made me remember my dad going and my mom not. Our relationship, me and my moms, was always so weird. Like, whenever we were at home together, she was really good. Like she took care of me and was cool and whatever. You know? I really loved her. But. She never tried to go see anything I cared about. She worked a lot. She didn’t like to be at home with me, and I never understood why. I still don’t get it.”

“Can I be honest?” Tadashi nods. “Whenever I saw her, and how she interacted with you and stuff, even as a kid, I didn’t get it either. Like, she always was the best in person. But, I just think she’s selfish. She picked herself over anybody.”

“Yeah. Fucking sucks.”

“Are you mad? Or, upset?”

“...I dunno. Yes. I’m always mad. And sad. And I just want her to be happy. But I also never want to see her again. But I want to see her become a better person.”

“You’re too good for this world.” Tsukishima squeezes his hand. 

Another few beats of silence. Then: “Tadashi. I like it when you talk to me. Talk to me like this more, okay? It makes me feel...useful.”

Tadashi smiles weakly again. “I think you’re the only person at this point I want to talk to like this.”

…

Practice ends early. It’s the week before Nationals, and Coach says he doesn’t want to over exhaust everyone. Tadashi has sort of regressed back into his elementary school identity for the day, hiding behind Tsukishima in every class, eating alone with him at lunch. He’s barely talked to his friends and teammates. He hasn’t known what to say.

He’s in the locker room, changing, when Hinata finally bursts. It’s been fairly obvious he’s been jittery and itching to say or do something all day, and with how they left things off, Tadashi has been avoiding him. But, the little orange haired friend basically runs into him as Tadashi slips off his shirt, and for a split second, Tadashi worries he’s about to be hit.

Hinata runs straight into Tadashi and wraps his arms around him though, in a forceful hug. “I’m sorry, Yamaguchi!”

“Oh. Oh, it’s all alright Hinata.”

“No! I’m so sorry, everything was my fault!”

Tadashi’s not sure what Hinata thinks happened, but he’s sure there's no way it’s all his fault. “It really wasn’t. Why don’t you let me change and then we can talk if you want?”

“Ay, dumbass get off of him, he’s half naked.” Tsukishima says, walking into the locker room. 

Hinata sticks out his tongue. “This is friendship Tsukishima. Real friendship. Not all of us are afraid to touch other people like you and Kags.”

Tsukishima just rolls his eyes. “Kageyama and I don’t feel the need to grab onto one another while changing, no.”

Hinata sticks out his tongue and looks at Tadashi as if saying,  _ Can you believe this dude? _

“Anyways Yamaguchi,” He still hasn’t let go of Tadashi’s waist. He’s getting kind of cold. “I really am sorry. And, I figured some stuff out. So, I’m okay now, too. I shouldn’t have blamed you for how I was feeling.”

“I get it, Hinata. It’s okay. We’re good. Can I put on clothes now, though?”

“Oh! Yeah!”

…

Yamaguchi and Kageyama are the only ones left in the gym after about ten minutes of cleaning up together. Tsukki is waiting in his car to drive them both to go get fast food after practice. It’s nice, normal. Tadashi had severely missed this.

“Just so you know, Yamaguchi, I didn’t tell Hinata much about what happened to you. Just that you had a bad panic attack and had to take some time off. I think he blamed himself.” Kageyama says in his gruff, quiet voice as they leave the building together.

“I’ll tell him eventually. And, thanks Kageyama. You’re a good friend.”

Kageyama blushes and tries to wave him off, “It’s nothing.”

“No, really, Kags. Thank you. Not just to me. You’ve been really good to Tsukki too. He needed a friend like you lately, I know he tends to bottle things up, and he was probably really worried. Thank you for being there for him.”

“I-” Kageyama starts, then shakes his head. “He would do the same for me. It’s...what friends are for.”

Tadashi nods, and smiles. “He would never say it, but you’re his best friend, Kags.”

“After you, maybe.”

Tadashi laughs. “I guess.” They’re getting closer to the parking lot. “Suga texted me the other day. He says the third years need to have a night together before Nationals. To celebrate, or whatever.”

Kageyama hums, listening. 

“I think we should save it for after we win Nationals, don’t you think?”

“We won’t lose.” Kageyama smiles. “We’ve come too far to lose.”

…

Sato Yui, formerly Yamaguchi Yui, knew she was a bad person. A bad mother, an awful wife, a bad daughter. She was good at one thing: marketing. She sold herself as the image of a beautiful girlfriend, a kind wife. Then she broke down early on. She sold herself as a goofy mom, a cool mom, the kind the kids have a close bond with. She couldn’t keep it up. She learned early on in her family, she had to be a pious child, a studious child, a well behaved child. She got pregnant at sixteen and embarrassed her family. 

Family was an odd concept. Her mom and dad didn’t see her. Or, if they did see her, they saw her as they wanted to, not as she was. She was never abused or hurt, but she was always alone. She never felt like she was even being looked at. When she got pregnant, she vowed she would never be like them. She didn’t know she could be worse. 

Family was a difficult concept. She was fifteen when she met him. He was different than any person she had ever known. Her family was devoutly christian, he defended atheism with passion in her morality class. Her family told her not to stand out too much, to be a good student. He was the person everyone had their eyes on in class. He had this laugh, loud and distracting. Loud, and distracting, and adorable. She wanted to be like him. She wanted to stand out. She started trying, talking more, laughing with him, making him smile made her feel fulfilled. She confessed her love to him outside, with half their class watching, and kissed him right then and there. And she felt all their eyes on her, and she felt his eyes on her, and it was something amazing, something different than she’d ever felt before. She thought it was love. At best, maybe it was admiration. Surprise. So they dated. And at some point, she stopped feeling like enough. She felt his eyes wander off of her. She felt him look away. She didn’t know what else to do. How much more she could be for him. So she wanted to have sex. She wanted to feel like enough, like she was everything for him. And for a while, it worked. He was back to being hers, seeing her, wanting her alone. She knew it would fade, though. She knew something had to change. 

Family was an insane concept. She didn’t poke a hole in the condom. She didn’t stop taking birth control. But, she secretly hoped. She prayed in her head to a God that she hadn’t believed in for a year. But she knew he wanted kids badly. She knew he could never stop looking at her, if she was more than just his girlfriend. He could never stop seeing the mother of his child. It was a miracle. Really. Everyone else called it an accident, a terrible unplanned pregnancy. She knew it was a miracle.

Family was a graspable concept. At least for the first few years of it. They were married. He only ever looked at her. And Tadashi, her baby, could only ever look at her too. She lived for it, she thrived in it. They were happy like she had never been before. But, it wasn’t long until he ruined it again. His eyes started falling to the floor. She wondered what else she could possibly do, what more could she give him than this. She felt like an angry monster, frustrated with him, with herself. How dare he? How could she let him? 

She went crazy for a while. She went fucking insane. But it was fair. She was his wife. She deserved certain things. She deserved his full attention. She shouldn’t have to feel jealous of their child. Of the fucking receptionist at his job. Of a lady he looked at five seconds too long on the bus. 

What else did she have but him, though? She realized she had to fight for him. She assured herself she would not lose. Thus it began. If she had to show him the crazy fucking wife for him to look at her, she would. If she had to go through his phone and make sure he couldn’t possibly be looking at anyone else, she would. If she had to show him that she could make other men look at her, capture their full attention, she would. 

It wasn’t really her fault, was it? She was a good person, wasn’t she? This is just what wives deserve from their husbands. He wasn’t giving it, so she had to take it. And she did, most of the time. They would fight, and would look at her with that fire, that passion from when she first knew him. He got so angry, but she was never scared. It was what she wanted.

She’s embarrassed now, to think that she never really put much thought into Tadashi. And that was her biggest mistake. How could she keep him there, as the mother of his child, without being a very good mother? And Tadashi deserved a good mother. Whenever she could, she would try her best to be one for him. Whenever she thought of him, she loved him. She just sometimes forgot to think of him.

When Ryota left her, she didn’t know what to do. She didn’t think it could really be over. When they spoke about it, she was dazed unready for the future without him. 

She needed Tadashi. She needed the eyes in her life, the ones he shared with his father, the ones she could never deal with being off of her. It was a bad idea. Soon enough it became too much. She couldn’t deal with having this part of him, but not all of him. She couldn’t deal with feeling so alone. She buried herself in work. 

Tadashi always deserved better. She knew that. Tadashi always needed serious help. That was why she’d paid for the therapy and tried to help him. Tadashi was a better person than her for still loving her for all those years. She tried her best to be there. But she struggled with it. And she knew that her best wasn’t enough. 

Ren was entirely different from Ryota. Ryota never noticed anything. He never realized how much she pretended, how much she changed for him, how hard she tried. Ren noticed everything. Every lie she told, she was sure he caught it. Every issue she tried to hide, he knew she had it. And he couldn’t keep his eyes off her, she was sure, That was what was so different. He saw all of her, and she didn’t even have to try. 

She knew it was wrong. She didn’t think about it.

There’s a date circled on the calendar hanging on the fridge. She and Tadashi would rarely look at it, but she knows there’s a date there. He never asked her to go to his games anymore, he knew she would find ways around it. But that date, it’s not just a game, she supposes. It’s nationals of his last year, and he’s captain. She’s very proud. 

The date gets closer every night. If she could ever have a redemption story in her life, this might be it. If she could ever be a good person, this might be the one way.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Thank u for reading. I actually had good therapeutic ranting sesh here at the end. If u can’t tell, these r similar experiences to my own life, and I really am so happy to see that you guys also relate. i love those comments a lot. i live ALL comments a lot actually. but yeah. Nationals next chapter. more drama and angst to come. I will try to get it dome within a week. bye guys! plz tell me if u like the playlist i made if u listen to it!
> 
> ps should i make a tumblr? i haven’t had one since like middle school lol but i really want to make friends from this stuff.


	12. Thank You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Almost the End. Happy Tears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ AUTHORS NOTE AT THE END
> 
> its been a helluva chapter to write

Tadashi doesn’t think there's ever been a moment in his life that feels so exclusively his own, as the moment he steps out onto the court at Nationals, and hears the announcers call out his name in the starting lineup.

“ _ Number One, Yamaguchi Tadashi, Captain, and Wing Spiker!” _

Tadashi doesn’t think there’s been a moment he’s wanted to cry more than the moment he has his team standing around him on the court, waiting as the other team is called. It’s sort of a crazy thought, crying, almost comical. His life seems to have been full of tragedy, this  _ year _ has been full of tragedy. But this feeling is different. It’s not sad, he isn’t torn up about this possibly being his last time on a court like this. He’s not overly anxious about winning and proving a point, or not letting his teammates down.

It’s love. Love for the game, the court, the ball, and the boys standing around him.

One time, when Yamaguchi was a kid, a teacher had caught the boy who sat behind him throwing things at him and pulling his hair. She had told the boy to apologize in front of the class. He had crossed his arms, rolled his eyes and said, “But he’s weird. Nobody even likes him. He doesn’t have friends or anything and he grosses everyone out.” The class had laughed. Yamaguchi had wanted to cry as he sat there, with his face red and heart breaking. The kid got sent to the principal’s office. The teacher moved on. 

Tadashi had never really moved on. He’d stayed pretty quiet around people. When he became friends with Tsukki, he clung to him tightly, so that he’d never run away and leave him friendless again.

Because what an awful feeling it was. What a terror it was. To be alone, fully, entirely alone. Loneliness was a dark corner in a cold room. A room filled with mirrors that only show back the ugliest parts of yourself. And fuck, Tadashi was tired of that room.

But here he is. Out on his own, but not alone. Independent, but together. About to play this game, this wonderful game that changed him, this game that saw him gain friends, fall in love, become confident. About to play this game with some of the people he loves most in this world. And it feels right. It feels the most right out of anything.

His dad and Miya are out somewhere in the crowd, his little siblings are sporting shirts that say “Karasuno Volleyball” that are way too big. When he saw them all this morning, it felt like family. It felt right.

There was always something in his chest that he didn’t understand when he saw Tsukki’s perfect family. Or when he saw strangers, kids at the grocery store holding their parents hands, dads teaching their daughters to ride a bike in his neighborhood, grumpy teens out to lunch with their moms. It might have been jealousy, or longing, or lonesomeness. Whatever it was, it was always unpleasant. Today, it felt like that wound was being slowly mended, like there was some sort of progress. Like there was another feeling in his chest beating it out. 

Once, Tadashi had asked his dad what love was. Today, he recognized it thrumming through his body, to the tips of his fingers.

The ref blows his whistle. Tadashi won’t lose.

…

Sato is, to say the least, uncomfortable. She didn’t know how she was supposed to look, on the day one begs for forgiveness. All black, like she was mourning? White for purity and honesty? It was like there was a code for some of these things in life, and if she just figured out the code, she would blend in a little better. 

She’s out of place here. It’s a pretty big stadium, with multiple courts, and it took her awhile to find the one Karasuno was playing on, in her high heels that clacked against the metal floors, and her businesswoman pantsuit that stands out next to the crowd’s T-shirts and jeans. She didn’t know the dresscode for events like this. She’d never observed any of them before. 

When Tadashi steps out onto the court, she feels a twinge of pride, then suddenly, and more deeply, guilt. It’s how she redeems herself sometimes, that feeling constantly wounding her, like a stabbing pain each time she’s almost happy. She can tell herself that feeling the pain there is her price for existing like this, for doing bad things. 

Tadashi looks so beautiful, with his hair in messy french braids that end in pigtails, his uniform with that number one on it across his chest. He could never figure out how to braid his hair neatly. Sometimes, when she was home, he would sit at her feet as she sat on the couch, and bring her a brush and hair tie, his way of asking for her to to his hair. The day he’d received his uniform he’d thrown himself on the couch next to her, and kicked his feet in the air, giddy and excited. He wanted his hair braided, to see how it would look all put together for a game. He’d tried the black uniform on for her, let her pretend to be as excited as he was. 

And she was excited to see him so happy that day, proud to see him grow so much. She doesn’t understand why that went away. Or rather, why she never tried harder, why she never cheered him on, why she never talked to him more, never loved him more. 

She knows she’s a bad mom. But she wishes she could understand why.

She’s always wondered if it’s the freckles. Well, the resemblance, more so, than just the freckles. He looks like his dad. He has similar eyes too, eyes she’s tried so hard to just let go of.

She should have paid more attention to what made Tadashi different. Tadashi is quieter, more introverted. His smile isn’t as charming, it’s more goofy and innocent. His father always seemed to draw people into him, but Tadashi is more simple. He looks up to people and asks, “please love me.” It’s a fault, one she probably gave to him, but it’s also a beautiful thing. She wishes she had seen him sooner. 

The game is boring, and doesn’t make sense to her, but she claps when others do, cheers with the rest of the crowd. She doesn’t get why he loves this so much, what it does for him, but she’s happy he has something. It’s the same when she sees him hit the ball onto the other team’s side of the net, and run into Tsukishima’s arms, that lift him off the floor for a second in an embrace. She doesn’t understand Tadashi’s immense love for the tall blonde kid, who’s always seemed cold in comparison to Tadashi, but she appreciates him. He’s always taken care of Tadashi. 

The game drags on for her. She watches her kid’s every expression and movement; his emotions always have shown on his face. He learned that from his father. She was always different, an actress. Most of the time, the emotions she shows on her face aren’t the same ones she feels. Being so easy to read is a weakness, people can use that against you. Tadashi’s weaker than her in that way, for sure, she knew that. People who wanted to hurt him probably could, and easily. He’s always emotional. He learned that from his father.

His father, who she knows is there at the game. His father went to more of these events and things. He’d gone to Nationals the first two years, too. At one point during the game, Tadashi points out to the crowd and waves. She tries not to follow his gaze. Ren had told her she needed to be disciplined. To let Ryota go, cut him out already. To be there for only Tadashi, to be selfless for once.

It’s much harder in practice than in thought. A part of it is curiousness. She wonders if his kids look like Tadashi. She wonders if he still has a stubble beard. She wonders if he has seen her here yet. Another part of it is jealousy. The wife is pregnant with their third kid. Ryota had said he never wanted more kids. The wife is younger, with clear skin and bright eyes, and no wrinkles. It sucks. Sato looks. She can’t stop herself.

Ryota is sitting there, a bit higher up than she is, and to the left. She wishes she didn’t feel anything, looking at him. She wishes she felt more. All that's left is some resentment, some bitterness, and a twinge of hurt from the knowledge she might never be able to stop loving him. He looks good. The stubble beard is there, with some bits of grey in it, and his hair is neatly combed back. He looks elegant even for him to be wearing just an orange T-Shirt. 

He’s carrying a little girl, who does look a little like Tadashi in a way that makes Sato feel uncomfortable, and next to him is the wife. She’s very pregnant. That’s all Sato allows herself to acknowledge.

If she can hold out here, for just until the game ends, she can get it done. She has to remember that it’s for Tadashi, that he’s all she should be caring about.

…

Miya curses being pregnant sometimes. Yeah, she’s happy to have created life, and women are goddesses and yada yada yada, but, damn, having a baby pushing on your bladder isn’t her favorite thing. This is the third time she’s had to pee since being here, and it’s incredibly annoying, because the game is about to end, and there's only a two point difference between the teams. It’s anyones set, and the crowd is on the edge of their seats, and Miya had to waddle off to find a bathroom at the risk of pissing herself. 

She gets her business done as fast as possible, but is still in the process of pulling up her pants with the stretchy waistband when she gets a text from Ryota. 

_ Tadashi’s team won. Gonna wait for him to change and meet him in the courtyard _ . 

So she scowls, and washes her hands, and tries to find her way to wherever the courtyard is. She must look kind of weird, the pregnant lady waddling around as the players crowd around and tower above her. She’s definitely lost, in a sea of colorful uniforms and exceptionally tall boys. She’s about to yell for help in fear of them trampling her 5’1 ass when she finally spots a familiar face. 

Tsukishima stands alone, ducking behind a wall next to a less crowded hallway. He doesn’t see her come up, his focus on whatever was happening in that hallway, so she touches his shoulder in greeting.

He startles, almost jumps. Suspicious. 

“Oh, hi,” he whispers.

“Who are you spying on,” she whispers back.

He just points out to the hallway, one hand on his lips in a shush.

Kind of a weird interaction, but she’s had weirder. It makes sense when she follows his gaze into that hallway, where she recognizes Tadashi standing there, in his uniform, his back to them, talking to a woman. It takes Miya a second to recognize her, but the second she does, the anger erupts in her chest. She takes a step forward, to do what exactly, she’s unsure, but to do something, anything that will get Tadashi away from his mom.

Tsukishima grasps her wrist before she can take another step. “He wanted to stay. I wouldn’t have let her get that close if he didn’t say it was okay,” he hisses quietly.

Miya pauses. She knows that Tadashi’s mom is dangerous, and that she can, will, and has hurt Tadashi. It’s in Miya’s instinct to help him, get him out of there in some way. But she knows it isn’t really her place. She sighs.

“Just shhhh, listen.” Tsukishima peers out to where they’re talking.

If Miya focuses, she can make out his mom saying something.“I just came to apologize. That’s it.”

“To my nationals? You thought it was a good idea to come find me on the day I’ve been working towards for three years, and psych me out?”

“Tadashi, I wanted you to see I’m proud of you. I’m cheering you on.”

“Okay. I see. Now leave.”

“Tadashi-”

“I don’t really have time for this. My Dad is waiting for me... My family is waiting for me.”

“Tadashi, I know I hurt you. I just thought you should know that if there’s ever an opportunity ever again, I want to be a part of your life.”

“Who told you to say that? Did he?”

“I know you’re angry, you have that right. But I think we can heal from this together. We can move on from everything together, that’s what we always did. It was always just you and me, right?”

“No. I don’t think so. I dunno. Not now. Definitely not now.” Tadashi pauses for a second. “I’m going to go. Please don’t come back tomorrow. I don’t have energy to deal with this. Honestly, I’m not even mad anymore, I just don’t want you here, okay? There’s your forgiveness you wanted. I’m leaving, please go home.” He takes a couple steps away.

“Tadashi-”

“You’re still with him, aren’t you?” He turns around, to face her again,crossing his arms. “That’s why you’re here. You feel guilty, you’re asking for forgiveness so you don’t have to anymore.”

She looks pained. “Tadashi, honey, I-”

“It’s okay. It barely matters. Bye.”

Miya doesn’t think it’d be good for her to follow him, as he walks quickly towards what she assumes is the locker room, not seeing her or Tsukishima as he passes the wall.

“Fuck.” She hears Tsukishima say as he leans against the wall. His voice is so calm, way calmer than she feels, but she can tell he’s angry. He’s got a scarier kind of anger than most people. He’s quiet, and stone faced, but his hands are shaking slightly. “He was so fucking happy. You should have seen how he had me carry him on my back, laughing and yelling cause we won. His face fell so quickly when he saw her.”

“She should have never been here.” Miya sighs. “I should go find his dad.”

“Yeah, I should go to the locker rooms. He’s probably gonna look for me.”

There’s the distinct sound of heels clicking against the linoleum floors as Tadashi’s mom passes them with a stoney, white face.

Miya flips her off. It’s the least she wants to do, and probably the most she can.

  
  


…

Tsukishima Kei is fucking exhausted, because Yamaguchi Tadashi is fucking exhausted. They’re sharing a room with Kageyama and Hinata, which at first Kei had thought was gross. The two of them have gotten disgusting these days, like they’ve realized that they’re running out of time and decided to love eachother twice as hard, and fight twice as much. It’s weird. As far as Kei can tell, with what Kageyama has told him, they’re not going to attempt long distance but are gonna stay friends. Kei doesn’t think it will work all that well. But, at least the couple had taken one look at Tadashi’s expression as he entered the room, and decided to take their leave. 

Tsukishima alone had been doomed to deal with a rare phenomenon: a truly angry Tadashi. 

“What happened?” Kei asks him, as Tadashi throws himself on his bed, yelling into his pillow.

“She’s. So stupid. I can’t.”

“I know, baby.”

“I wish I hated her.” Tadashi sits up and punches his pillow.

Kei scoffs.“That’s okay. I’ll hate her enough for the both of us.”

“Okay.”

There’s a pause.

“Miya told me something weird when I said goodbye. Cuz I didn’t tell her or my dad that Mom was here, and she told me to ‘stay happy’, and ‘still count today as a victory for me, no matter what else happens.’”

“She’s right. Today was your win, your day, okay? She doesn’t get to ruin that.”

“Hmm. I like Miya, y’know, I didn’t use to. But, she’s so… good. Nice. I think she loves me too.”

“I think she does.”

“Should I text her?” Tadashi flops back down onto his bed, apparently done beating up pillows. 

“Miya?”

“...My mom.”

“Why would you do that?”

“Because I need her to stop. And know that I’m moving on.”

“You don’t think she can tell?”

“If I write it, it’ll feel more real. And I’ll feel like I can move on. I dunno.”

“Maybe hold off on that for a minute. Like, just try and ignore her for the rest of the weekend. Just, it’s supposed to be your time, our time, with the team. We're happy, right?”

Tadashi takes a couple seconds, then nods.

“I promise you, we’ll have a good time. We’ll keep winning and winning.” Kei hasn’t moved from where he leaned against the door when they came in.

Tadashi turns onto his side, his brief fit of anger gone. “You can come sit with me, y’know. I’m not gonna punch you for spying on me.”

“...You saw?”

“No, but I figured when I got to the locker room before you.”

“Maybe I was peeing.” Tsukki finally moves away from the entrance of the room and sits on the bed, straightening out the poor disfigured pillow.

“No, you don’t pee this early.” 

“What the fuck, Tadashi. Why do you know when I pee?”

Tadashi’s nose scrunches up when he smiles teasingly. “You have a weird schedule. Like, early in the morning, then at-”

“Shut up about pee!”

Tadashi throws his head back and laughs, so hard that Tsukki cracks a smile too, then maneuvers his head onto Kei’s shoulder in a way that makes Kei’s heart melt every time he does it. He can’t help but start petting Tadashi’s hair, smoothing out his cowlick and watching it spring back up. Yamaguchi shuts his eyes and melts into Kei’s side for a second, his breathing tickling his neck. The peace of the moment almost makes up for the day of highs and lows. Almost.

…

Dinner was supposed to be at the dorms, with the rest of the team, but Coach said it was okay for the third years to skip out, to eat with the alumni that came to visit. Hinata was very excited about this, Kageyama could tell, as he hopped and stumbled and skipped along on their way to the restaurant. 

“It’s literally just Noya and Tanaka, dumbass, we see them all the time. Chill for a minute,” Kageyama says as Hinata stumbles over his own feet again.

“I’m so excited! We’re gonna win nationals, Kageyama, how are you not excited! And Noya is here, and Suga said he’s coming tomorrow and maybe Daichi will come, and I’m so happy to be here and finish what they started!”

It would be cute, if he hadn’t literally been vibrating with excitement since six A.M. this morning. Kageyama is, at this point, hoping they don’t have to sit together at the restaurant. He doesn’t want to fight. Knowing your relationship with the only person you’ve ever loved is gonna end soon has a way of making you more kind. You’d assume, at least that most people wouldn’t want to waste their time fighting like that. Hinata, however, is not most people. He’s been picking fights and saying extra dumb shit for weeks, ever since their talk about ending things after summer.

In some ways, even though Kageyama would never tell him, Tsukishima is better at these things than Tobio. Hinata was kind of right about one thing, that day he had his breakdown and cried at practice, and yelled at Yamaguchi. He’d told Kageyama all about the awful things he’d said, sniveling and messy, and he was dead wrong about most everything. But, Tsukishima and Yamaguchi seemed to have figured all of this hard relationship shit out a while back, they seemed so mature, so much better than everyone else. In first year, Kageyama would have hated Tsukishima for it. Now, he just wants to know how he did it. 

All this shit about growing up and being adults gets to Kageyama more than he’d like to admit. He worries about the future, wonders if he just got really lucky with Karasuno, finding people to put up with him, and if everywhere else, it’ll be a repeat of middle school, and he’ll be alone on that court. Mostly he worries about Hinata. He felt really mature, agreeing that they couldn’t do long distance, he felt like an adult making smart decisions for their careers. It still hurts.

He wonders if he can say anything, sometimes. But the only person he knows would listen is Hinata, and, well. It sucks that his boyfriend is leaving, for sure, but it sucks equally as much that his best friend is leaving with him. It wasn’t such a good idea for them to be one and the same.

There’s Tsukishima too. Kageyama hates to admit that they spend a lot of time talking these days. His first year self would be abhorred. But Tsukishima has changed, and so has Kageyama. They’re different now. Quieter, probably smarter. They look like men on the outside, taller, better posture, less anger in their eyes. They talk about the future sometimes, their fears and hopes. Kageyama never realized how similar they are until this year.

They talked about Hinata and Yamaguchi in the same way, how it felt like revolving around a sun, how it was being pulled in like gravity. The only difference was, Tsukki was always thought he had to keep up, to stay in orbit, try hard to stay by Yamaguchi’s side. Kageyama knew he was always fated to watch his sun explode, to burn and bask in its glory, and to end his universe in this black hole. He guesses he’d always known that his relationship was a time bomb. He just thought he’d have longer.

Getting lost in these types of thoughts is never a good thing. It makes him soft when Hinata sees the restaurant and starts skipping to it, giggling, and leaving Kageyama behind. He wants to chase him. He doesn’t. 

…

Dinner is nice. It’s a good distraction, from everything going on, honestly including volleyball. Kageyama loves the game, but he realized sometime in the past three years that he’d let it be his everything. He’d wanted to be something more than just that. So dinner is nice. 

They’re at a ramen restaurant, sitting outside in the cool night, just laughing and talking. Something in Kageyama’s chest feels off.

“So, Noya, you said something about seeing Asahi on your trip too?” Kiyoko is there with Tanaka, like  _ with _ Tanaka. As a date. It’s kind of funny, kind of full circle. Kageyama is happy for them. 

“Yep!” Noya smiles one of his trademark, shut eye smiles. “I’ll stop and visit him at Uni in Tokyo before I get on my plane!”

“Damn, bro, your life sounds dope. Traveling the world and shit, dude, seems so right for you.” Tanaka extends his hand across the table to fistbump Noya.

“I think I just realized I have too much energy to stay in one place. Like imagine me at a desk.” He laughs loudly.

Yachi giggles too. “I really can’t.”

“So what’ll you be doing this next year, Yachi?” Kiyoko smiles at her, and Yachi blushes. It reminds Kageyama of first year and his chest aches again.

“Kyoto University. I’m excited. Also scared. I don’t always make friends easily. It might be strange. But, I’m also really ready, I think.”

Yamaguchi pulls his arm around her from next to her. “You’ll definitely be fine. And me and Tsukki will be close by in Osaka, so we can see each other a lot.”

“You and Tsukishima are going to the same school?” Hinata pipes up from next to Kageyama. It’s weird he didn’t know already and Kageyama did. It makes Kageyama wonder just how close he and Tsukishima are, if he knew this a long while ago, and Yamaguchi hadn’t told Hinata. 

“Yeah, we’re actually gonna go look at apartments over there next week. Like a road trip from Miyagi to Tokyo, then to Osaka,” Tsukishima elaborates.

“Wow. How long have you guys been together, again?” Kiyoko asks them. 

“Like dating? About to be two years. But we’ve been best friends since we were eight, so like ten-ish years? Right?” Yamaguchi looks up at Tsukki, who nods. 

“I haven’t even had the same screensaver for more than a month. I dunno how you guys like eachother that much.” Noya laughs again. “So what about you guys? What are you doing after this?” He looks to Hinata and Kageyama. Damn. Sore subject.

Surprisingly, Hinata’s smile doesn’t falter much. “I’m going to Brazil to train more. Beach volleyball is supposed to improve your jumping and your balance, so.”

Tanaka whistles. “Damn, Brazil? Dope.”

“I’m going to train with Japan’s national team, and hopefully I’ll be playing at the next Olympics.”

Noya chokes on his food. “What?!” He shares an incredulous look with Tanaka for a second, before looking to Kageyama.

“Yeah, well. I’m pretty good.” He smiles a little, to himself.

“Really, really good,” Hinata corrects him, putting a hand on his knee.

“No kidding,” Tanaka says, eyes still wide.

“It feels like everything is coming full circle.” Yachi says. “I dunno if it’s a good thing. Something amazing is ending here.”

“You’re such a romantic,” Yamaguchi teases her. 

“You know what I mean, though. Tanaka’s in love, Noya’s leaving soon, Hinata and Kageyama have their futures figured out, and you two are moving on together.We’re grown up now, aren’t we?” 

“I don’t think I could grow up yet if I tried,” Noya offers, shrugging.

“You guys get what I’m saying though. It will never be like this again.”

“Yeah, we know what you mean.” Kageyama looks into his half empty glass of water.

…

Tsukishima watches as Yamaguchi’s face falls as the clock runs out. It’s the semifinal match. It’s the semifinal match and they’re  _ this _ close to winning,  _ this _ close to making it. It’s the semifinal match, and they’re sure they can win, they’re sure they’ll come out on top. It’s the semifinal match and it’s tied with only a few seconds left on the clock. 

It’s the semifinal match, and the ball drops onto their side of the net with a thud, then bounces with another, and another.

Yamaguchi had dived for it. He’s on the floor, and Tsukishima can see him as he hears the sound, and can see his face contort in slow motion as he realizes they’ve lost. It hurts. 

Tsukishima helps him up. 

Yamaguchi’s eyes are red and watery, but he’s not crying. He quietly tells the boys to line up, so they can shake hands with the referees and thank their supporters. 

They bow to the crowd. They walk out of the gym. It’s quiet outside of the gym. The first and second years shuffle into the locker room, a few of them crying. Tsukishima doesn’t know what to feel. It’s just a game. 

No. It’s a game, but it’s life changing, it’s the end of an era, it’s the end of his greatest achievements and greatest prides. His happiest moments and greatest losses. And it’s all over, in a span of a few seconds. 

Yamaguchi leans against the wall across from the locker room door, head tilted towards heaven, arms hugged around himself. When Tsukki approaches he opens his eyes and sighs softly. 

Tsukishima feels bad for thinking he looks beautiful right now, with wet lashes and a pink nose, and a look of disappointment. He opens his arms and Tadashi clings to him, fits against him like a glove, and Kei doesn’t know if he believes in soulmates, but this is probably as close as it gets. It's so comforting knowing exactly how the other feels, and just being there, just breathing together.

“Did I fail?” Tadashi’s voice is small and quiet.

“No, baby, no. You did good, you did so good. I’m so proud of you.”

Kei feels Tadashi nod against his chest.

They take a few minutes like that, before Kageyama and Hinata walk out of the gym together, both red faced and teary eyed. The four of them look at one another for a second, and just fall apart a little. 

Tsukishima Kei doesn’t cry. He can barely remember the last time he truly, honestly cried. He hates crying, he hates when other people cry, he’s fucking terrified of babies, because they cry all the time. 

Tsukishima sees fucking Hinata and Kageyama, and Tadashi next to him, and something in him breaks. It’s over, really, it’s finally over, and Kei wonders if anything will ever be the same.

They all slump against the wall together, sitting down. Tsukishima draws his legs to his chest as Yamaguchi reaches out a hand and wipes a stray tear from Tsukki’s cheek. 

“We’ll be fine, you guys know that.” Kageyama’s voice is gruff.

“Yeah. It won’t ever be like this, though,” Hinata responds.

“It could be better.” Yamaguchi lies his head onto Kei’s shoulder.

“I think we shouldn’t try and rank it. I think we should just let this be as it was, and always think of it as it was, and keep it with us. It was unique.” Tsukishima forces himself to be authentic. To try and be honest, no matter how embarrassing the thought is. It’s part of growing. 

It’s quiet among them after that, besides Hinata’s sniffles. Yachi runs into the room after a bit, takes one look at their sorry faces, and sits next to Yamaguchi.

“I just want to say thank you.” She says after a minute. “That’s it.”

“We should all thank eachother,” Tadashi responds after another pause, peeking his head around to look at Hinata on the far end of their little row. “Hinata, thank you. For showing me how to be bold, and a hard worker, and hopeful.And for being my friend, for showing me how to be friends.”

Kageyama speaks up too, after a second. “Hinata, you’re the greatest thing to ever happen to me. Both for me as a player, and as a person. You made me more.”

Hinata’s starting to full-on sob, but Tsukishima pushes down his embarrassment to say, “Hinata, I never cared much, until you cared too much. Thank you for teaching me.”

Yachi has to yell a little to speak over the redhead’s crying. “Thank you for giving me a role. For accepting me and loving me for whatever I could do, no matter how small. Thanks for loving Citizen B.”

It takes a while for him to calm down enough to say, “I never knew. I mean, I’m not really all those things, because it’s not like I was trying to be. But...I love you guys. Um. Kageyama, you made me who I am, and I love you too much, and I’m sorry I always fight you, but you give me passion and freedom, and everything I need.”

“Kageyama. I know we haven’t always gotten along and we both used to be shitheads. Well, you more than me, but,” Yamaguchi elbows him. “Thank you for being a friend, especially this past year. I never had anyone to talk to besides Yams, and I needed you. You’re strong, and dependable, and undeniably good. And you’re equally as amazing of a player and a teammate, as you are a friend. Thank you.”

Kageyama nods, at him, stiff, like he’s trying really hard not to show weakness. It’s almost kind of funny.

“Kageyama, you take care of me. I dunno if you even notice that you do, but you’ve always been here for me, in actions if not words, you always take care of your friends, and it meant a lot. You taught me what trust is, and what trust should be, because I always relied on you, especially this year as you were vice captain. You taught me to take advantage of my talents, and to give what I do my all. Thank you.” Tadashi hides his face in Tsukishima’s shoulder.

“Like what Yams said,” Yachi sniffles. “You take care of me, and you encourage me, and you’ve always been kind to me. To be honest, when we met, I was terrified of you,” She laughs weakly. “But you showed me that determination and confidence aren’t scary, that pride isn’t scary. You showed me that I could be all those things, too. Thank you.”

Kageyama nods at her too, then is silent for a second. “I never had friends before really. I guess I wasn’t much of a person outside of volleyball. I only cared about the one thing, so I never was able to be that great of a person. Like, people like people who care. So, yeah. And um, you guys taught me to expand, and become a full person. Especially Tsukishima.” Kageyama stares at his feet. “At first, it was frustrating that you didn’t care as much as I did. And you were a dick about it too. But, I think meeting someone who didn’t make volleyball their only care, shocked me, when it was my entire world. We were like opposites and the same. We both had skill and talent, but I pushed myself to the point where I knew nothing else, and you almost didn’t care at all. I think over time, we’ve balanced eachother out. I’d like to think you have more passion these days, and I finally feel like a whole person. So, thank you, Tsukishima.”

Tsukki nods, also looking down at his feet. “I’m sorry, you know. About the stuff I said in first year.”

“Don’t be. I’m not,”Kageyama retorts back.

“Tsukishima, I really did hate you for a while,” Hinata laughs a little. “You were everything I wanted to be. Tall, with good skill, good instinct, also, just like, undeniably cool and smart.”

“You have a crush on him or something?” Kageyama teases.

“Shut up! I just mean that I think I was always jealous. But, you were my motivator and my competitor. I wanted to be like you, so I had to be better than you in my head. I had to improve. And, you made me a better player. And you do really care for me now, I can tell, you know?”

“Don’t get your hopes up too high,” Tsukishima scoffs, but stays looking down.

Hinata grins. “So thank you.”

“Tsukishima, you were always so different from everyone else. You always seemed so down, or bored, sometimes. But, at some point, I was able to see you pick yourself up, regain passion, and have fun. Thank you for showing me how to change. How to find what I’ve lost. Thank you.” Yachi smiles at him, and he reaches out, knocking Yamaguchi off his shoulder to ruffle her hair. 

“My turn?” Yamaguchi asks, with his puppy dog eyes and pink nose and knitted eyebrows. Tsukishima almost wants to tell him no, to shut up, that this isn’t necessary. It’ll hurt if he talks, it’ll be too much. He doesn’t say anything though, so Yamaguchi continues. “I fell in love with you when I was eight years old, I just never knew what it was. You know, I never had any great examples of love to go off of.” He laughs lightly. “But, um, I saw you, and you picked me up off the ground, and you protected me, and I fell in love. That’s why I never believed anyone for a second who said you were anything but what I knew you to be. I always wanted you to be just for me, just my secret, too. Like, it might be kind of fucked, but you made me feel so special, when you would hold me in private, and take care of me, and tell me all these nice things, and you would never do that for anybody else. I felt so, loved, so incredibly proud to be with you. And I still am, that’s never gone away. You treat me too well, you treat me like I’m precious, gold or diamond, or something like that. I want to give you everything I am, and everything I can be, and everything I have been. You have me. I love you. Thank you, Tsukki.”

Tsukishima has been crying since the words, ‘eight years old’. He still says, “Shut up, Yamaguchi.”

Everyone laughs a little, choked laugh.

“Sorry, Tsukki.”

It’s quiet again for a minute, before Kageyama says, “Yachi,”

“Oh shit, ahaha, please no,” She hides her face with her hand.

“You said some stuff about me taking care of you. Honestly, it’s the other way around. I mean, not only as manager, but you’ve always gone above and beyond. From tutoring us dumbasses, to just being a friend anyone can talk to and trust. Thank you.”

“Yeah, you do so much more than you even think. You give us the stability and loyalty we need to be who we are. You’ve helped us build the foundation we needed, not just for the team, but, I don’t know if we would have all ever had become friends, if not for you. Thank you,” Tsukki chimes in.

“Yachi, you’re my favoritest girl in the world! You make me so happy, and so proud, and you drive me to be as good as I can. When I know you’re watching me, I can do anything, and I want you to see me do everything.” Hinata smiles over at her.

“You gave me some of the confidence I needed to be myself. You accepted me for who I am, no matter what, and you encouraged me to be as loud as I can. We’re too similar to be any ordinary types of friends. We’re special, and we’ll be friends for a long time.” Yamaguchi gives her a side hug.

“Oh, God. You guys, I love you all. Oh, God, Yams. I love you so much. You’re so strong. There’s nobody like you, like, people aren’t just genuinely beautiful like you. You showed me what real strength is, what real kindness is, and how to be genuine, and good, pure hearted. I love you. Thank you.”

“Like Yachi said. I didn’t know people could be so genuinely good until I met you, really. I maybe didn’t used to trust you, by association with Tsukishima, but I realized that if a person could love someone like him so fullheartedly, they’ve got to be either a saint or insane.” Tsukishima smacks Kageyama’s arm. “And you’re like the nicest person I know. You’re a damn good captain and player too. I always can rely on you.”

Hinata is next. “Crap, kay, Yamaguchi. I loove you. You’re the best. You always accept me and all my faults, and you never hold anything against anyone. You don’t judge people no matter what, and you’re always nice, unless someone is threatening someone you love. You’re the best type of person and loyal friend, and I love you. Thank you.” 

Fuck. It’s Tsukishima’s turn and it's too much. The pause he takes before talking is too long, he knows, but there’s something scratchy in his throat that won’t let him. Yamaguchi squeezes his hand. “It’s okay. I know, you don’t have to say anything,” Tadashi reassures him.

And there it is. His love, his baby, always ready to take nothing and give everything, and with a smile on his face. It makes Tsukishima sick with love, sick with hurt. “I don’t even know where to start. Kageyama might have been joking about you being an angel for loving me, but it’s the truth,” he chokes out a laugh. “I don’t deserve someone like you, the world doesn’t deserve someone like you. It feels sometimes like a cruel joke, like if there is a God, he really made you the best person, and said fuck it, lets fuck him over in every possible way.” He laughs a dry laugh again. “I think you’re stuck here, and all I want in life, is to give you everything you want. I want to see you happy, because you make me so happy just existing next to me. You just love people, so, so hard, and I don’t understand why you picked me to love the most, but I never want to let you go.”

Tsukki’s talking fast, tearing up, but he doesn’t stop. “You’re the greatest thing to ever happen to me. You’re a reminder that I can be a good person, that I should be more like you. You showed me what it’s like to be strong, but also that it’s okay to feel weak, and how to move on. I love you. Thank you.”

He turns his head to look at Yamaguchi, and sees his face, tear stained, peering upwards into him, in his signature facial expression that just screams, “please love me.” So Tsukishima does, he gathers him into his arms, holds him tight, and lets him shake, lets him breathe, and loves him.

After a few minutes, it’s Kageyama’s voice that says, “So this is it?”

They stand up and walk away.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Okay, this one is a lot. Or, it’s gonna be. Thank you all for reading and supporting me. Comments and kudos make my day if you want to drop one.
> 
> Alexa, play Ribs by Lorde and call my therapist.


End file.
